A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I apologize in advance for this being so long. I am in love with a boy I met in college, and as a result of his behavior towards me I am physically ill. I cannot sleep because I have nightmares of him leaving me, I cannot eat, I cannot function. I am losing weight. I met him last August, and from the day we met we became inseparable. We spent time together about sixteen out of every twenty-four hours. We did everything together; we ate together, had class together, spent our free time together. We were exclusively together all the time, completely isolated from the rest of humanity. We did not have a problem with this because from how I see it, everything I needed in another human being I found and loved in him. In September I found out that there is a guy that keeps text messaging him love poems and telling him he misses him and wants to talk to him. My friend denied him, saying that receiving these messages greatly disturbs him but that he does not know how to respond to them. In the beginning, he would share them with me and we would laugh, but as the months progressed we stopped talking about them and he stopped sharing. I found out in May that he has continued receiving them, but at first he denied it. The way he treated me, he seemed to love me. He went out of his way to help me, he took care of me when I was sick, he stayed up late nights with me when I had to study, even though he did not need to. He even planned on following me to a foreign country (Iceland) even though he hates the cold and dark. He seemed to have a crush on a girl earlier this year, but for the most part he hints that he is not looking for a relationship right now. He is effeminate, and he exhibits many gay attributes (ie he is very fashionable, wears tight clothes, goes to a high priced salon, does yoga, has a shoe fetish), but he told me that people misjudge him and that he once considered conforming, but then realized that's stupid. I don't exactly know what he was referring to with 'conforming.'I asked him if he is gay, and he denied it. He and I even talked about when we each want to have children; he mentioned he wants to have children when he is an older parent because he'll be wiser. Towards the beginning of the year we would stay up together, and we would sometimes stare into each other's eyes for several seconds. I tried to hold his hand once and he quickly moved away. I took him out on a romantic dinner once and he did not do anything physical to me. He did seem very grateful to me, though. He told me once when describing a married couple that in public they do not seem to love each other romantically because they do not embrace. I guess maybe that is his definition of making a romantic pass? I have kissed him on the cheek and hugged him, and he did not pull away. The last time I kissed him on the cheek, after we pulled away we stared at each other.He is very antisocial. I am the second friend he has ever had. He told me that he has confidence problems, and that he is a loner. He has some major confidence issues; he does not think girls like him or would be interested in him. There was this one girl he was remotely interested in and he told me that she would never be interested in him. He has never had a girlfriend; he said that in high school he wasn't looking for that. However, we were so close and bonded so well this year that I genuinely thought that he loved me. I love him, and I do not care to be with anyone else.He is his own person. He has all sorts of hobbies, most of which require solitude, and I suppose that is what he is doing now. He told me that he spends most of his time home by himself working on something.However, since summer has begun, he has cut off all communication with me. I called him twice, and he has not returned my calls. I wrote him, telling him that I miss him and want to speak to him, and he ignored it. His behavior is so abnormal considering the closeness we shared in college, and I am deeply, deeply hurt. I have reached the point where I don't even care if he is gay; I just miss talking to him and I miss him as a person.What do you make of him and what do you think I should do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2008): Well don't try and contact too much or he might find your attempts a bit off putting. Maybe write him a letter or something and explain you miss his friendship and regardless of what is going on in his life that you'd like to be friends again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2008): hi, this is the poster
First of all, thank you jay12toes for your response. I really want to get ahold of him, but he is purposely cutting off any method of contacting him. He won't pick up. I have my pride, so after two calls and a letter, I gave up.
I need to clarify a few things. First of all, he is several states away, so I cannot see him until August. Second, if a gay guy is texting love poems to you, wouldn't you as a straight male reply and tell him to leave you the hell alone? I had the wind knocked out of me when he said that he is "not sure" as to what he should say to him in this situation.
Thirdly, I forgot to mention that he is in fashion school and plans on becoming a fashion designer. He knows about pretty much everything there is to know about clothes, handbags, shoes, etc.
Forth, I agree with you in that I too am stumped as to why he no longer talks to me. The last time we spoke was when he got home; before he left, he hugged me, I kissed him on the cheek, and he told me that he would call me as soon as he got home. Five minutes after he got home, late at night, he called, and we talked until the battery on his phone died. I told him I would call him the next day, and he told me that he is not sure if the phone will be charged by then. I called him a few days later, no reply, and so it has been since then.
Anyway, any insight at all, however terrible, is appreciated.
Thanks!
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A
male
reader, jay12toes +, writes (8 June 2008):
 ok first just take it easy, try not to get so stressed out that it causes you harm. secound i dont think hes gay... i could be wrong but i dont think so. when you get complimented it feels good especially if you have low self esteem. he probably really liked getting text from the guy because it made him feel good about himself but he didnt want you to know because he probably felt embaressed about likeing the messages. now as to why hes not talking to you know is a little harder to explain, it could be that hes just too busy.... mabey hes even working on something for you. mabey hes avoiding you because he knows what he wants to say to you but just cant find the strength to. the best thing for you to do is get ahold of him, try to meet somewhere and talk to him about how you feel and find out whats going on.
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