A
female
age
30-35,
*mberNuttall
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for three and half years now, but last year and half I've been extremely unhappy. Me and my partner don't do anything together, no dates, outings, holidays, anything! Only time I see him is when I go to his, we sit in, eat dinner and watch television. I have tried so hard to get him to go out, suggest things to do, tried to get him to go on holiday.. But got no where. He knows I'm deeply unhappy but won't change. I want a partner I have memories and fun times with, but we don't have this. We don't communicate great, and I can't even remember the last time I made him really laugh or smile. I've asked him if he's unhappy or depressed, but he says he's happy how we are. I love him, but makes me wonder- does he really love me? Is he ever going to change, or is this going to be it forever?
View related questions:
depressed, on holiday Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (25 August 2012):
 Hi
Sadly your boyfriend is in a complete rut. And he may lack confidence in himself. People often do not even recognise that what they are experiencing is depression. He may think he is incapable of doing anything differently to how he acts now.
Maybe he is emulating what he has seen as far as how his grandparents live or as his parents live.
He may have a narrow vision of how interesting life can be.
Of course he might be trying to conserve his money. But more likely I think he may be depressed and in a rut. Any way you look at it you cannot change him. But you can change yourself. And by changing your actions you may spark a change in him or you may come to see that you are travelling in different directions.
If you want to try some interesting activities then just let him know that is what you will be doing, and invite him to join you if he wishes.
It is then up to him to either try some new activities or just sit home getting more miserable.
You are far too young to be living the lifestyle of a 70 year old couple.
To give him a chance to see that, initially, the aim is not to socialize and find a new partner. But that the aim is to find some interesting new activities. Activities that will take you both out of your comfort zone and get you into the wider world seeing some interesting things and experiencing some interesting activities.
If you just go to pubs and clubs he will feel threatened.
Suggest some activities that he might like as well, some of the time
Such as suggest that you visit a trout farm and learn how to catch a trout.
Of course it depends on how important he is to you.
Eventually though, if he refuses point blank to even try to join you. Or if he does join you but rubbishes everything you try, then yes, you may end up breaking up.
But at first you are offering him a choice.
Find out what activities are on in your area. Visit the Local Citizen’s Advice Bureau as they may know far more activities than you would ever imagine are happening in your local community and are activities where other people in your age group also enjoy the activity.
Map out some outings that you think you would enjoy. Even if you have to do some alone in a group of (at first) strangers. Such a walking over rural hills in a group. Can you hire bicycles in your area and cycle a nearby near-rural area? Can you take a train ride to an area you have never visited and look around the area, especially if it is a scenic area with places to visit?
Join an environmental group. Often you can learn so much in such a group and enjoy the energy in the group.
Is there a local community garden (there is often a long waiting list) where you could grow some herbs and vegetables or fruit for you and your family? It can be lots of fun and does not take much of your time.
Or a local group that puts on plays – where there are always many jobs to do behind the scenes.
Take up a new sport or start going to a local indoor pool to swim
Join a local group helping homeless animals or raising money for a charity (such as volunteering to serve in a charity shop) or help volunteer for a good cause in the community.
If there is a group in your community that helps young people learn about meeting procedure and public speaking then consider visiting one meeting to see if you think you might enjoy it.
Learning new skills is always enjoyable and improves your confidence level.
If you are able to learn a skill like making jewellery or something you could create then you could also help grow that into a business you could start up on-line at etsy.com
Join a local Writers group (of aspiring writers) and start learning the craft of writing.
And if those suggestions don’t excite you then maybe check out some of the suggestions below:
http://www.visitnorfolk.co.uk/things-to-do-norfolk/family-fun.aspx
http://www.derbyshiresport.co.uk/news_events/news/2012/february/default.asp
http://www.cisabroad.com/
And you will make new friends when you try enough new activities. It is inevitable. Your Boyfriend can either join you or lose you. It is his choice.
AND if you need further inspiration then borrow some Biographies of women who have achieved good things in their lives and in their communities.
Because it sounds like you want so much more out of life than you are currently experiencing. Best wishes with your more exciting future.
|
