A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Back story: My husband and I have been married for a year. We dated for two years and our families were involved in setting us up. I moved to a foreign country to live with him. He helped me build a career and life here. He's been loving caring and attentive as a husband. He's however a porn addict. Our sex life has been average in frequency but really great in how it feels emotionally and physically. Situation: He had confessed to me about having hired hookers when he was single and lonely. I appreciated his honesty and trusted him. He promised to be monogamous and faithful to me. Everything was going great in our relationship. We planned to build a life together and raise a family. The first huge blow to me was a few months into our marriage- I found him googling for escorts in our town , a few days before I was to leave the country for a visit home. I confronted him and he convinced me that he wasn't planning to act on it at all. He claims it was a fantasy he likes to feel risky and masturbate. (is that a thing??)When I got back from the visit, I checked his phone and discovered that he had looked up again. I looked for all other evidences and found nothing except looking up- no calls, no texts etc. We had a fight about it again and he promised not to do it again. I warned him that it would be the end of our marriage. I confided in my mother and told her a few things. She asked me to not end the marriage unless I'm sure he has cheated.I never lived away from him for the next 9 months. We travelled to our home country and back together. A few more months after, we celebrated our anniversary. Everything was going great between us. We have a fairly open communication between us and I let him share his fantasies and help us try out new things. For eg. he likes to fantasize cuckold. I don't want to do it in real but don't mind playing with the idea and talking.I stayed back at our home country for a week while he returned to our home. When I came back, I had no suspicion until he one day seemed protective about his phone. So one of the days, when he was outside, I sneaked into his laptop. He had again searched up for escorts. I found two text messages; both enquiring by just saying hi. They sent pictures and rates. No response from him to those. his phone history showed that he deleted one of these numbers and another number during this period that I wasn't around. I confronted him and he apologized. I was very angry and hysterical. He cried and was fully ashamed and said he didn't go through with it. He begged and rolled on the floor crying that he hasn't done and he's very sorry for what he did. I had already told my father and had decided to end it all. He rang up and apologized to my dad..said the same thing that he only messaged and nothing more. He claimed to me that the thrill and risk runed him on. When he's surfing porn, he typically uses chatting with strangers etc. as a way of getting off. He is not much of sex person and prefers to self pleasure sometimes. I understand and as long as it's not affecting our intimacy I've let it be. I never found him texting other women. It's always been some other men sharing their fantasies or random videos on youtube/porn sites.He is not this person at all in real life. The moment he's alone he does all of this. He claims that when he's alone in this house he remembers the times he had hired hookers- he says he's tempted to experience the thrill of texting them and fantasizing. This ofcourse hurts me and crushes my stomach. I feel extremely paralyzed by the pain of betrayal and am heartbroken. Completely shattered by all that's happened. I'm too weak to make sense of anything. Is it possible that he was doing it for thrill..when I took his phone (he had no opportunity to delete anything between my confrontation and taking the phone), I saw that the messages i saw on the laptop weren't there on the phone. He had deleted those chats. And thats exactly what he told me- "I only texted them and did not book anyone. I had deleted the chats and don't know how they remained on the laptop.". He couldn't have been sure at that point that there weren't other chats. I also texted these numbers posing as him and asked as though I want a repeat service from the person who came last time. They all said no, that they hadn't visited. We have our whole life intertwined. I cannot imagine losing it all. Please please tell me if there's any hope that he isn't been lying to me. He's getting help for PA and is leaving his phone in common space all the time. He's become spiritual and is trying to be a better man. Everytime I'm low and in distress about this, he's supportive and reassuring. He's ofcourse doing all this because he's shit scared to lose me. But I'm clear about it- if he's lied to me and cheated I AM NOT GOING TO STAY. I want the truth and am willing to suffer the consequences of knowing it. I just cannot be that woman who has no clue and is living a fake love life.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2023): Many couples seem to successfully involve fantasy into their love lives and use porn to enhance it. Good for them. I'm no one to judge.
There truly is a better way though. If a couple involves no one or thing else and just concentrates on pleasuring their partner, they will have a much better marriage and a much better sex life. This produces a much more gratifying life and sex life. Fact.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2023): In my particular case I'm a happily married man and being completely honest from time to time I take a look at those escort websites just for the thrill if you will and just to see what is out there. I have never hired an escort ever since I met my wife many years ago and I have never cheated on her. I don't know if by doing this and fantasizing with being with someone else qualifies as cheating. I think men and women fantasize and I find it mormal.
Only you have the answer to your question. If he is a good man and you have no evidence maybe he is like me and it would be fair to give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him to stop doing it. However my wife doesn't know that occasionally I visit those websites. I recognize it looks suspicious
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2023): Now that he's seeking treatment, try your best to be patient and supportive. You are suffering some PTSD from the discovery that your husband has a compulsive disorder; and your trust is tested, because you don't know when he will be tempted to repeat those behaviors that upset you the most. He is struggling with his addiction; but you haven't given him enough time in counseling and treatment.
Maybe you should get some counseling to help you with the anxieties you have that are attributed to his porn addiction. The partner of a person with addictions suffer from the fall-out and side-effects of their illness; so they may need help to cope with the behaviors that cause distress and anxiety, while their partner is under the influence and compulsive-behavior of their addiction. You need help too. I'd backoff tempting him with too much sexual fantasy or role-playing; because he already has a problem separating realty from fantasy.
Unlike many who come to DC who don't lay down an ultimatum; you've given your husband incentive and final warning as to what you expect from him to save your marriage. He will not be cured overnight. You have to give him time, and offer him encouragement. He knows you mean business, and realizes how he is hurting you. Not only that, you've sought family-support that you can fall back on if things don't workout as hoped. You didn't suffer in silence, or dismiss his behavior; you've bravely confronted the issue, and you've dealt with your husband directly.
Read-up and study about addiction and compulsive disorder. The more you know, the more you'll understand what you're dealing with. Not for the sake of letting him off the hook; but so you'll understand what happens in the mind of a person who has an addiction of any kind. They don't just snap out of it. I hate to suggest it, but you should get tested for sexually-transmitted diseases for your own protection.
Stand strong, but also try to be compassionate. The nature of addictions for what they are can be disgusting, overwhelming, and frustrating. You know who he is, and you love him; but you also know the demons he is battling.
Learn all you can, but stick to your guns to make sure he is committed and truly dedicated to saving the marriage. If he keeps having relapses, or he's just going through the motions, and isn't truly giving it all he's got; then follow-through on your promise. Don't put-up with it. You don't have to.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 February 2023):
 I'm so sorry OP
Yes I do think people can get addicted to doing "dumb stuff" - and they have to take it to a "certain" level before they get a thrill out of it, this level gets higher and higher. Which COULD (but isn't certain) mean that he WILL eventually go pay for sex.
People who are addicted to things are often good liars. Because they know they have to deceive in order to get the next "fix" of whatever.
You can't trust him. You know that.
He is seeking help, and he is making sure you have access to his phone. But in the long run, is this how you want your marriage to be? Where you have to worry and monitor your spouse? where you have to worry about his getting a STI? Losing his job if it comes out?
Since you HAVE given him an ultimatum, I'd say be 100% sure that you stick to it. That he can cry and roll on the floor but IF he does it again YOU leave, YOU divorce him.
Is that what you want? If so, I'd be VERY clear with him. And I'd talk to a lawyer and prepare the paperwork and HE needs to agree to all this.
Personally? This would be a total dealbreaker, I would have been done the FIRST time it happened. I don't have the patience for that kind of stuff or the disrespect. And I think YOU deserve so much better.
Can you really LOVE him knowing all this about him? Do you want children with this man?
Take YOUR time to decide. Then get your ducks in a row and do what you feel is BEST for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 February 2023):
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