A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please bear with the long description :/ Any reply is much appreciated.I have been in a relationship for 8 months with a guy who looks great on paper. He's a doctor with a prominent position and good reputation in the community. We met online. We're in our 30s/40s, so we appropriately became exclusive rather quickly because we know what we want/don't want. The understanding was that we were exclusive and we had retired our dating profiles online. He told me that the dating website was still emailing him if someone looked at his profile or "winked" at him. I told him that I thought this odd because I completely "hid" my profile and I never got those emails. He told me what his password is to his dating profile.About 3 months ago, I saw that he had been "online within one hour." I logged in to his account and found out that he used his online dating profile to "favorite" 3 women and even contacted one woman by "winking" at her. I confronted him immediately, and he denied it. He said someone must've hacked into his account. He was not upset with me for logging in to his account. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried to put it behind me.Last night I texted and he never got back to me, which is strange. I logged into his dating account. He "favorited" three more women since the last time I checked. If I confront him, he will deny it again. I need to know if I should keep seeing him. We are talking marriage and I don't want to worry that I can't trust him. What would you do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): Hello again...I wrote you before and want you to know that although it's painful now you did the right thing. It's obvious you are a strong person since you were able to end this relationship and see things clearly. You deserve someone to give you 100% and it was obvious to everyone he wasn't doing his part. This relationship you were in would only get worse since he wasn't doing much to rebuild the trust. As I mentioned before I did online dating. Had about a dozen bad dates, made some new friends along the way and ended in a strong healthy relationship. It might take time but hang in there. You're worth more than the stress you invested in this last relationship.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 December 2011):
 I'm blushing :)
Thank you
And Best wishes to you too
Abella
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbella, thank you darling. You're a gem and an asset to this site :)
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 December 2011):
You are articulate, you write well and I am guessing you are well presented too. And you have good logic and decision making skills to make you a good catch.
He was not ready for you, but I'll bet there will be a very nice presentable man who IS available and would love to meet you.
Best Wishes, Abella
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I just got off the phone with him, ended the relationship. There were several things wrong with the relationship but the main problem is that he's going through a divorce and custody battle, and I don't think he's ready for a real relationship. I'm unencumbered, available, and ready to commit. I told him all of that and more, and he agreed that I deserve someone who's totally available. I'm really sad right now. And oh god, I hate dating and can't bear the thought of being out there again, dating a bunch of people that aren't right for me to try to find the right guy. Ugh.
Anyway, thanks for your support, I appreciate all of your thoughtful responses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): "When we met, his dating profile said he was divorced. So he lied on his profile. I never date separated men. I made an exception for him."
I think it was a mistake to make an exception because he is lying about something major. This is a no brainer. He is lying about everything else also. Stop seeing him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011): Reading the responses and also your own about your man being 'allergic' to another woman. That sounds kind of odd - and he is a doctor so.... Almost like it is never him is it - he never takes responsibility - it is always the other persons fault. And you? What could you hear him say about you to his next girlfriend? She was obsessed with thinking I was cheating on her when I wasn't. No. Ya know something about this guy is not right.
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female
reader, boo22  +, writes (11 December 2011):
 Hi, I'm so sorry you are going through this. In my opinion someone who hacks a dating website account and then winks and favourites other women is as about as believable as the burglar who breaks into your house and then does the washing up and plumps up your cushions! xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011): I think you know the answer to marriage... don't. He is not being honest with you and is clearly pretty cool about not telling you the truth. My ex boyfriend gave me the password to his email because I was suspiscous of him. I resisted checking and when I did, did not like what I found. Handing over the password can mean nothing but a smoke screen - a gauntlet put down in the hope you don't take it. There is no way somebody is 'hacking' in to his account - surely anyone would report this to the website organisation as hacking is a serious offence. I'm sorry to sound harsh but I think he is still looking for potential dates. As I type this it has crossed my mind he is trying to let you down gently and perhaps hopes you will find him out so he does not have to end the relationship. Worse he could be playing mind games with you and expects you to put up with this behaviour - very controlling. You could of course close his account / put him as 'hidden' but... will you still trust him? or is this the start of a pattern of lies on his part. I would take a step back from this relationship and ask yourself whether you want to be involved with someone for the long term that you cannot fully believe.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChigirl, thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful answer. He clearly has lied to me twice. I hear what you're saying about your ex requiring you to never imply that he's lying. Your ex tried to manipulate you first by lying, then by telling you you can't call him on lying. Wow.Abella, thanks again. I am actually not the first girlfriend after his separation. There was one before me. She didn't last long because apparently he was "allergic" to her, when they had sex he had a bad reaction, and that's the reason they broke up. I freaked out saying she probably had a STD. He said he went for STD testing on two separate occasions and never had an STD. Anyway, yes you are right about rebound relationships, even though I'm not the first girlfriend I'm still a rebound girl.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 December 2011):
 Change his passwords, since they get "hacked". Then don't tell him. If he truly never goes on there then he wont notice, and these "hackings" will also stop...
But in all honesty, "my account was hacked" is a bullshit excuse. Who has an interest in hacking his dating profile only to wink at women? And if so why hasn't he changed the password? Very likely... not. He also lied in his profile regarding his status of divorced. When people lie about things they tend to continue lying. Really! It's sort of how they survive, they lie a little bit here, a little bit there, unnecessary lies for most part, but so many small lies you in the end don't know where you stand with them or whats true and whats false.
I have an ex who was lying about everything and anything and denied that he did it so much that he swore if I ever accused him of lying to me again I would be dead to him, and I was not "allowed" to imply that he was lying, even if he did it right to my face. He would throw a huge fit about it if I did and make me regret it. I told him my definition of lying was to say something that is not true, and he went against it and said that's not what lying is...!
So no, I think I am with SoVeryConfused here. Watch out. If he could lie about something as important as whether or not he is divorced then what stops him from lying about other things? It took me a year and a half to dump the liar, and it takes others even longer, because we so desperately want to believe them...
My ex also got ditched by ALL his friends because they called him a liar, and stupid me didn't see that huge red flag, I supported him and believed in him. And how did he repay my trust? He took off with money he borrowed from me and deleted my computer files.
So maybe it isn't just about the dating profiles.. there could be a zillion other things he's lying about, such as finances, the real facts of his separation and custody case, his whereabouts, his feelings for you etc. Be careful.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 December 2011):
 I"m sorry as a wife who had a man who LIED to me about anything involving the online ego stroking he needed I vote for a lying cheating man here....
even if he never actually does anything with these women and uses them to just stroke his EGO and not his penis.... he is saying loudly that YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH FOR HIS FRAGILE EGO...
I thought I could deal with is and stayed married for 6 years and it just wears on you that you are not enough emotionally for a man....
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male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (11 December 2011):
 if he needed a story hes cheating. and hes not a good lier so he made up a story instead of just lyin.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 December 2011):
Your BEST advantage is that you live close by - you have an advantage over any more distant woman. And you can also see what he is up to and drive over. This is a major PLUS and puts you in a good position.
But...
That is a tough position to be in - his first important and major relationship - and technically a Rebound relationship - before he has fully resolved his marriage and while he is still in turmoil over the custody issues. And while he is still separated.
It was inevitable that the first really nice woman he met would interest him enough to offer marriage. But that marriage should take place within one year of the offer. It is not like you are 15 year old teens who know they need to wait. Once he is free and if he is serious then the marriage should take place in the not too distant future. The offer starts to lose some gloss the longer he takes to marry you. So the delay while he is still separated is a negative.
But 12 months after offering marriage, some serious resolve to get engaged by a particular date and marry by a particular date should be on the cards.
But he is not able to make it official with an engagemet (impossible situation as he IS still married), especially if he can still play up with other women on the side, and still promise marriage to one woman - (one hopes it is only one woman) - then that offer made in good faith initially, may start to lose some gloss the longer the time still drags on (while he remains only as "separated").
Because he will wise up to the fact that so many women will willingly offer themselves to him, as FWB/LDR and other, without him also needing to offer a more permanent commitment to continue to enjoy that intimacy.
I often think a first rebound is the most vulnerable relationship as often the person has not yet worked out why the marriage failed or is unwilling to face and own up to why it failed. There are often (not always) two sides to a marriage failure.
He's had eight months and still the custody issues are still in progress? He needs to negotiate strongly to resolve the issues.
Perhaps his wife is trying to restrict his access to the children (which is heartbreaking for any parent) while he refuses to give her the $$$ she wants.
Some give and take is required by him and his wife to resolve.
Even then YOU have no certainty either as, at any time, unbeknown to you until after the event, he and his wife could reconcile.
Suggests an ex who is also not going to make life easy for the next wife.
Is it that the wife is playing delay tactics as she wants him back?
This is a minefield.
He needs to get his marriage status resolved. In effect he is still legally married even though he has major custody issues and no doubt wants to maintain contact with his children.
Perhaps he could have resolved things more quickly if he put all his energy into resolving his marriage issues?
I hate to have to say it, but I know a neighbor who has been separarted for EIGHT years and has no intention of "resolving" anything but is certainly very actively playing the field. Because it gives him an "out" whenever he needs to back away from a woman who has asked for more commitment than he is willing to give. I gather his Mom chided him recently and his response was that he was waiting for a gullible millionaire widow! Meanwhile he is useless as real marriage material because now he enjoys the chase more.
Like a lion playing with prey, where the lion has finally had his first success at securing something, it empowers the lion to try again and again. Then the chase becomes more fun for the hunter than resolving anything.
Your man is a successful man who had failure in his marriage he now has "issues" proving to himself over and over again - to confirm to himself that he is still attractive, even if his wife no longer attracts him or does not want him?
Did he and his wife have cheating issues that have driven him to repeatedly seek validation that he IS still attractive to the opposite sex?
Here is my favourite Player article by AnonymousMale1
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/10-situations-that-scream-hes-a-player.html
Please take care of you and do not patiently wait too long if he is not doing the right thing by you. Words are easy, it is his actions that tell all about the man. Protect your heart from being too kind in this situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCiar and anonymous, I thought about hiding his profile for awhile. Figured I have already been logging into his account, why not take the next step and hide his profile for him? :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous, thank you so much for responding. I have been sick about this, it helps to hear what you and other people think. I logged back in to my old dating account, the same site that he's on. I checked for another account that he might've set up, checked near his home zip code and work zip code, checked the profiles without photos and screened the basic info, found nothing. When we first started dating, he said he was on another dating site in addition to the one we met on. I put his username and password into the other dating site, it worked, he still has an account there. Women have "requested an introduction" to him, but he hasn't responded to any of those and it appears that this account is inactive. I also checked two free dating sites, no sign of him there. Thank you so much dear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011): I'm really sorry but I don't buy it. How is it possible his account keeps "winking" at different women? Seems like a hacker might do more damage than that. Do him a favor and retire his account the same way you did yours. If he questions it, this will only further prove he keeps logging on. If he doesn't notice then it will also show his innocence. What can his argument possibly be? He was logging on to make sure it was closed? You're being too controlling? Beware though that he doesn't turn around and open a new account on you. I have also been cheated on with online guys and know from experience that they will also open new accounts with different sites to not get caught. The good news is that good guys do exist online. I've been in a healthy relationship with someone I met online and we are going on 2 years. So good luck and keep us posted.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (11 December 2011):
 'His story is vaguely plausible, but I wouldn't buy it.' I concur.You have an account with the same site and without any difficulty you were able to hide your profile. Why can't he? You have his password. Go in and hide it yourself and see how easy it is.It is possible he is telling the truth, but highly improbable. If he has lied about something this big this soon, he is most definitely not boyfriend material, let alone husband or father material.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Abella, thank you for your response, I so appreciate you. We live 5 min drive away from each other and see each other 2-3x per week on average. He is separated from his wife and going through a custody battle for his two kids. When we met, his dating profile said he was divorced. So he lied on his profile. I never date separated men. I made an exception for him.
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reader, Abella +, writes (11 December 2011):
Sounds like he is still flirting adinfinitum? Surely if he was genuine he would have removed all mention of himself from the dating site?
How many other women has he 'promised' himself to? And has he visited you yet?
Look at his actions = does he appear to take the initiate most to contact you at least as often as you initiate contact? He seems too good to be true at the moment.
What would be his reaction to you
suggesting that you spend Christmas day with him? If even a tad evasive or hesitant or excuses then I would start to wonder.
Eight months in contact/talking marriage/ you are under the impression it is 'exclusive' / he is very time poor due to his job/ but even Doctors know they need a break sometimes' so tell me, how much 'face to face' time have you had together so far?
Surely he could afford too, to fly to see you? Or if follows another religion, and so has agreed to work over the Christmas New Year period?
If he tries he the 'I have to work over Christmas and new year' i would be even more sceptical than I already am
Suggest that you are happy to make arrangements to fly to see him (just proposing, no need to book) and watch if he does a fast scramble and suddenly has an excuse why you can't come? Then yes I am very sad to say I would be reaching the end of my tether with him. Perhaps he has an ideal woman in his mind and he really liked you. And you are so nice that it made him bold. On the premise that he did well to find you. But now he is thinking that maybe he can do better?
He's a very cool customer under fire, that's for sure. I think he's done this before and knows to react very calmly, with an excuse for everything. In fact I think he's even read the manual on how not to react.
Check out the article on players by AnonymousMale1 in DearCupid to see what I mean by that.
The Doctor is not getting ten out of ten from me, based on what you have said so far.
Maybe he has more good points that I am aware of? Maybe I mis-reading the situation? So I will look forward to your follow up to clarify the real situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Eddie, thank you so much for responding. Your points are logical. He is not paying for a membership now, his paid membership expired soon after I found that he had favorited 3 women 3 months ago. Even if you are not a paid member, you can still have a profile online, you can receive winks and email from people, you can browse other people's profiles, but you can't wink or email anyone. Thanks again.
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (11 December 2011):
 His story is vaguely plausible, but I wouldn't buy it.
The fact that he didn't seem concerned that someone hacked his account is very weird. In addition, if someone had hacked his account, why wouldn't he want to change his password and why would the hacker go about winking at only 3 women? A hacker would probably send out malicious emails or use it to make a mockery of your boyfriend's account or go nuts winking and flirting with everyone woman online. And most hackers don't make it a priority to hack dating sites...
I smell something extremely fishy here and I think you are on to something. If possible, check his computer and see when the last time he accessed the site on his computer's browser.
In addition, why is he still paying for a dating site if he is an exclusive relationship with you?
Either way, I think you and I are both seeing smoke -- the question is where is the fire?
Good luck.
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