A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am devastated and I need an opinion...I met this guys 5 years ago while I was travelling. I fell for him and I believed he fell for me as well. It was my first relationship with an older man and because our cultures and language backgrounds were different sometimes it was a struggle to fully understand each other. According to him from the beginning I appeared to be quite a demanding person whereas he was much more relaxed and very much aloof at times English is not my first language and there were many misunderstandings with him because of that.. After 5 months we had been together, we had a huge fight as I snapped at him for a stupid thing and he got really hurt. We were supposed to go on holiday together after few days but he told him he did not want to go anymore and he wanted to break up..My world collapsed and I apologised to him and I pleaded him to stay and come with me. I realised straight away I had been wrong and from that moment I promised myself to be more careful. I was blaming my inexperience in relationships. He decided to come away with me but he told me he would have not gone back as a boyfriend..in my head I was hoping he would have changed his mind and I spent the entire holiday asking him and crying to go back..Back from the holiday we dragged each into this NON boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. We would call each other every day and we had sex and we were intimate but he never showed a commitment. The more I cried the more arrogant he became .. However he was always there for me and when I was calm and I didn't push, he was nice to me but he didn't bring me out much with his friends and he never introduced me as a girlfriend, even to his parents I was just a friend. Then he decided to take time off work and go for a 3 months trip meanwhile I moved on my own to his apartment and during that time he was calling and emailing me every so often. However I became really depressed and I started being desperate with all the situation that I wasn't a `proper girlfriend` and I wanted to have a commitment from him. I could not understand why he could be so close and intimated but at the same time he didn't want any label of girlfriend. He kept on repeating that first we should have worked on the friendship and he did not like labels. He was upset with me for asking him constantly to go back together and just before coming back from his trip he told me to leave the apartment as he did not want to find me there. I moved out but we started being intimate again but he was getting angry at me so easily and that made me cry continuously. When I started feeling better he told he was reconsidering going back to me but after few days he started blaming me to be too much demanding and intense. I was only asking normal things that every girlfriend asked including respect and communication. Something that really drove me crazy as well was the fact that he was always going out only with female friends and he was drinking a lot. We went away for a weekend and that was the first time I snooped on his phone and I found out flirty texts with this girl who was living in another country and he met when he was away. I told him and he threatened me to leave me as he got so mad at me for looking though his stuff and he claimed me she was only a friend. I forgave him...but in the following years I discovered he flew over quite often to see this girl and she came to see him as well. Of course I did not know anything about all this till I actually snooped on his phone a second time as he was always making excuses he was busy or he was visiting his family when they were meeting..but he still called me every day and he was always intimate with me. I also discovered a letter written by her..but every time he denied everything and made me believe I was mad. He walked away blaming me to be abusive and manipulative and I always pleaded him to give us another chance. ..Last year I decided once again to believe him and get over the past and give him another chance (I had nightmares for years about this woman and I even contacted her by email once and she replied to me that they were together and to leave their lives but still he was God to me) but last February he told me she had booked a flight to come and see him again. I was not happy with that and I felt a little bit stronger and I started thinking I would have rather lost him for good than kept up with his lies and the situation, so I told him to choose and I told him that considering the past I was not ok with him seeing her even as a friend. At the point he went down on his knee and he told me he had chosen me and he wanted to be together again and he also agreed to fly over to my country for the first time to meet my parents..I finally felt like he had changed. But..two weeks ago he left his email account open on my computer in my house and I could not help myself..it seemed like the computer was left there for me to look at (as normally in 5 years he had always been extremely careful and private with his stuff).. I even thought he did it on purpose to test me. Anyway I found out he was still lying to me and I felt my heart torn apart like ever before. Even after he met my parents and he told me he chose me...he lied. In february she had came over anyway and she came over last new years eve after he told me an excuse not to spend it with me claiming he did not like to celebrate that day with anyone. I even found out naughty emails with an other girl. Once he was drunk and he even flirted with my best friend.. I told him on the and he just started abusing me by calling me names and he told me he did not want to see me ever again, he said I was dead to him, I was the total opposite of a nice person for invading his privacy and with that action I chose to end it...and since then he disappeared without an explanation. And I really fear I won't see him ever again. I coped with all his lies and arrogance and lack of commitment and I believed in him when he said he loved me ..on the contrary he leaves me with no explanations and he just blame me for reading. He told me he felt violated and no other woman he knows would have done something like that. I know I shouldn't have looked and I am feeling really guilty but we had a past and I could sense something. I feel extremely guilty for reading it because maybe she was only a friend at the end and I feel so bad for having been so demanding with him. I know I always took him back as I believed in our relationship and I always blamed the fact I was too demanding and he could not manage his anger. I haven't slept or eaten since then and everyday I starred at my mobile hoping he would call.. I want to know why 5 years of relation have finished like that after I gave him the world.. I always stood by his side. I want to know why did he decide to end it because I read?? Did he not take in consideration what he did ? What I read? I need a strong advice on how getting over this.. I do not understand nor accept how he can walk away like that because I read those stuff and not actually because he had another woman? How can he gets angry and blame me for violating his privacy why I was entitled to know the truth? cheers...
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best friend, depressed, drunk, flirt, moved out, older man, on holiday, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Queeny  +, writes (30 May 2008):
 its true wat Daniel Pew is saying. It is a way for him to say goodbye.. i just don't know why he texts you.. but i think he is apologising indirectly. on the other hand, there seems to be something telling him that yu want to move on. he may even be devasted at the thought of you not moving on coz he wants you to 'adore' him. do not reply the text this will make it difficult. this is a chance for you to gain your self esteem back 'he is thinking about you..hahaha...' so don't complicate the issue by going back into the past. if its possible change your SIM card for a while and block his email address. this guy will never make you happy, you were not meant to be his... heal and in time a good man shall come along only be careful not to fall in the same trap (its sometimes 'same scripts only different casts') so be the starring person in this script called love. its not only the text that you have recieved he may even want to see you. i don't know but i think the devil is real, he likes it when people are captives. do not fall into the snares of the enemy .. he shall bring "opportunities" like this so that you go back and be miserable. just don't take 2step forward then only later to take 10steps backward..that text doesn't mean anything.. ignore it.. take care of yourself as we have all earlier spoken..
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (29 May 2008):
 In my opinion, he knows full well that he did wrong, but he is saying goodbye. I think you should move on and find someone who won't treat you like this.
All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question....i just got a text him from him saying: `I hope we get over everything . Heal our hearts. And meet somebody on the same page. Miss you but I am devasted`..what does he mean? why did he change his mind? is it a way to tell me he forgives me for snooping or he feels guilty for cheating????
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A
female
reader, Queeny +, writes (29 May 2008):
Your welcome that shows you there are many good people in this world just tht one that didn't turn out good doesn't mean all are bad. you shall surely get a better one. There is no break-up that is sweet. even when loved ones die it is a pain we all have to heal.. don't keep in touch with him..be strong for the sake of the future...
gud luck lol..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am really glad to know there are wonderful people like you guys out there who are willing to give an advice and listen to me as many other people and their pain.. I know I will get over and I know I should not ask myself too many questions in my head about if, what, when...How could I be so addicted to him I wonder? How could he not see his mistakes..Do people like that sleep at night....?Thanks..deeply
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A
female
reader, Queeny +, writes (28 May 2008):
Gal, to me it seems that you are the one that has decided not to move on even when i believe your heart tells you that it was not meant to be. i will also comment on the guys part so as to be fair, you seem to have trapped him by always dragging him back into the relationship. you got to stop the tendancy of snooping into your bf's private stuff as it will only make you feel bad.. it is difficult but you got to stop it in future coz you may do it to a nice man and this will destroy the trust you have for him. as i will also comment on how this man has treated you like a piece of rag, i think you have allowed him to do that. try and build on your self confidence and get back your self esteem. you can only do this if you decide in your heart to let go. in time you will see that it is better to be by yourself than going through the drama. you are feeling this way because you have given him your all; sexual bond. he did not deserve it when you did this in exchange for love. but you can heal this and its only a matter of time. remember " you are beautiful, words can't bring you down" .... You are fearfully and wonderfully made in God's image.. there is someone out there for you and he will not come when you are in that state of lingering in the past. i know it breaks the heart and feels like the world is torn apart... but guess what...the world is still the same and there is so much goodness that it wants to give to you. Get out have some fun do what makes you feel good, shoppin, walking in the beach ... styling up, just pamper yourself.... this man is not God!! for crying out loud..you need to love yourself more so that you don't expect others to love you supernaturally. Learn from the mistakes you did in the relationship.. be strong next time and take control of it... this guy may have liked you before genuinely or not. Remember.. you cannot force someone to love you... it is okay to love someone even when you don't have them.. in time these emotions will fade away.. u just got to give yourself time to heal and its okay to cry at it coz you'll have to one day get tired of crying and feeling sick about it... then you'll realise... Damn.. wat the f**k was i getin on you'll just laugh..
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (28 May 2008):
From your post, it is easy to see you're in serious pain. That makes me wish I could say things that will make you happy, but, unfortunately, I can't.
In my opinion, it's quite clear you're good enough for him. That's why he was able to have this relationship with you for five years. In my eyes, your first discussion or your snooping aren't important, either. He just wanted to have you and still be free to see other women. He had no intention to take the relationship with you any further.
I don't think it's a coincidence that he is sustaining that communication, relationship, whatever, with that other girl. He met her in the same situation he met you. It is very likely that he is playing with her, too.
I'm sure you won't agree with me, or at least not at this moment, but I think your luck started the day this man decided to end it with you. Now you're not involved with a man who plays you, and are free to find someone else who will love you like you deserve.
I think you need to see the world around you. There are plenty of reasons to be happy. Focus on that. You used to be a happy person before you met him; now you can be happy again, because you're strong enough not to need a bad man by your side. Pamper yourself, wake up late, do eat, do try to do things you enjoy. Let the memory of him go away, and one happy day it will have happened.
Love yourself and don't fall prey to things that make you sad or men who keep playing you.
I wish you the best.
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