A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of one year has a son with a woman he was never married to. They split custody for the most part, but all according to her preference, she uses him mostly like a Baby sitter and this bothers him. He constantly complains about her and all the stupid fights they get into about pick up times and days being switched etc. Also in the begining of our relationship he cheated on me with her! It was hard for me to get over and I seriously considered breaking up with him.So I have issues with this woman and I do not trust her. The problem for me is that she is always asking for his help, she wants him to go shopping with her, to the doctors to watch the kids (she has two boys and the older one is not his), wants him to come over to her house for breakfest on easter and spend the day together on Holidays. It really bothers me, when he spends his time with her and he thinks I am overreacting and being insecure. I don't think he needs to have any kind of a relatioship with her outside of their son and I don't think it is right for him to exlude me to spend time with her. Especially given the past. Am I right to be upset when her spends hours at her house because she needed him to watch the kids while she took a shower and fed the baby, when he said he would only be gome for a half an hour to drop his son off? Or should I just end the relationship because this is somthing that is normal for parents to do, spend time together like this?
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male
reader, alexnds +, writes (21 March 2008):
Your boyfriends ex is very much like an exwife and not like an exgirlfriend. They have kids together and they still have a relationship together, whether or not they were legally married or not, they have a very deep bond that is not easy to break. In fact, in her mind, you are the intruder. I would give him an ultimatum. Move away to a different city with him and put some physical distance between them and hopefully, emotional distance. He is still responsible for child support, so that never needs to stop, as this is the honourable thing to do. However, financial support is all he can give her, for at least 1 to 1.5 years. That way, you two can get stronger in your own relationship and get married or whatever is best for you. if during this one year of zero contact, he falls in love with you and fully commits to you, it was meant to be. Otherwise, he needs to get clarity in his head, and either stay with her, get married and forget you, or forget her and simply support his child. He is not obligated to baby sit: just financial support. In the old days, before visitation rights and stuff like that, a husband only sent financial support to the ex, and wasn't given visitation rights. Treat it like they are a divorced couple and he has financial support, but no other contact. Then see how it plays out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): You have a right to be upset. Hopefully, someone else besides you can bring this to his attention and get him to realize how he maybe being used by her. I feel sorry for his kid. He might consider a court action to better be able to see his kid. The current arrangement is not in the best interest of neither him or the child.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 No sweetheart this weird relationship is not normal. No two relationships are the same but yes she is using him and I would not trust her as far as I could throw her. Whilst she is so controlling of him you will never get a look in. He has cheated on you with her once and what is to say that she does not pay him back in kind for looking after the kids.
Sorry to be blunt but I just see it as you having to give in all the time.
I don't think for one second it is wrong for him to spend time with his son as that is a father's rights but it doesn't seem as though there has ever been a set legal timescale set out so she has always had the control over him.
I was never married to my ex but I spent almost 20 years with him and we have a 7 year old daughter together.
My ex has our daughter every other weekend and holidays we try to get round depending on work as we both still work together for our own business and I know the schedules for work so if he tells me he can't have our daughter due to work I know this is true.
Don't put up with this situation if all his time is spent with her and a half hour drop off is spun out to hours at an end, what are you supposed to do twiddle your thumbs.
There is a life out there for you with a man who will put you first and your current bf it seems will never do that as he is being pulled around by her and by whatever rules she decides upon. He is obviously very weak and that will never change.
Get yourself stronger and make your plans on how you want to handle this. Don't make a rash decision if you want to end it then decide on where you are going to live and plan your finances first as well. If it means putting up with him for a couple of weeks or months so that you can afford to move on then you may well have to do this, if you don't have to do that then make the break sooner than later otherwise this is going to eat away at you as you are the one standing on the sidelines the whole time.
Take care and keep smiling eh!
BFN
Country Woman
X
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): I think you are absolutely within your right to be unhappy with this arrangement. You are right they should not have a relationship outside their son.
If you suspect something is going on then gut feelings are usually right....how do you know he doesnt panda to her every need because she has something on him that he doesnt want you to find out about? Just a conspiracy theory but happens very often.
I think you need to discuss proper arrangements been put in place where he sees his sons at those times and no other, as the son gets older this can obviously change if he wants to see his dad more but whats stopping him staying with you guys?
Dont let 'YOU being insercure' cut it - if he cheated with her then you have every reason to lay the law.
If he is not willing to put his son and you first and leave her alone as much as possible then is the relationship really worth the worry? Thats just something you need to think about. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): Next time he has to go over to her house to drop off his son or pick up his son, you offer to do it instead.
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