A
female
age
51-59,
*o silver lining
writes:I've been married for 22 yrs. to a very wonderful man that any woman would be lucky to have. January 1 we had a bad fight that caused him to withdraw from me for two months now. He says that he loves me and always will but since that day the love is different for him and something has died for him toward me. He describes it as the connection that he once felt is no longer there. He's been very depressed, crying heavily in the beginning and now he said that he feels better and not crying so much but he expresses the healing as being detached from me. He said he's been trying to get it back but doesn't know how. He also seemed to be trying for a little while to make it work with me but has been seriously drifting away in front of me for the last 2 weeks to the point I felt I just wanted to be with him and not leave his side because if I did I would lose him but no matter what i tried nothing seemed to work. Saturday he told me he had feelings for his married with 2 young children co-worker possibly because through this turmoil she has been extra nice to him and it made him realize that maybe he could actually truly love and be loved by somebody else beside me so Monday he decided to tell her he had feelings for her and he wanted to see if there would be any chance for them and then he was going to come home and tell me after he proclaimed his feelings for her (but I followed them to a parking lot because I had a feeling he was going to meet with her that afternoon and I barged in on them so he said he didn't tell her anything at that time except that he was sorry for getting her involved in our mess) but I know they've been talking via their work phones the past 3 days and Tuesday he told me that I should have known he was going to tell her about his feelings because he told me about her on Saturday even though I confronted him with my feelings that I had about there being someone else between us and asked him a few times to tell me if he had feelings for her because I found her number in his cell phone not because he just volunteered the information. He even told me then that she was married and had 2 young children and weakly said that he was married. I had asked him Saturday to do me the honor of divorcing me first before he would choose to have an affair with anyone which he said he would do but yet 2 days later he did this. I do believe it's the beginning to an affair with her and he moved out with some of his belongings Monday night and told me he wanted to be free and wanted a divorce. For the last 2 weeks I could feel that our marriage seemed to be going in that direction more than ever by his actions and things he would say and do but definitely seemed to not want to hurt me but not want to be with me anymore. He kept telling me from the beginning that he feels responsible for me and that his job is to take care of me for the rest of my life and the life I have of being financially dependent on him is his fault; I think maybe that's what all the crying was about, the feeling of wanting out but feeling trapped. He says something is wrong with him. He is acting very out of character and he has lost interest in almost everything that he used to take pleasure in. In the beginning he used to cry so much and try to stay really busy because he'd express that he was thinking so much and nothing was making any sense and he is so confused and he doesn't know what he wants. Lately he even said that the thoughts he was having was scary; I guess that was the leaving me part and feelings for the other woman is probably what he meant and he was always telling me for me to know that never in a million years would he have expected any of this to happen to us and he asked me to please not hate him but never said why I was going to hate him. Monday and Tuesday he apologized for how things turned out. January to March he kept himself busy with coaching but when that ended and he had more free time after work, things started spiraling downward fast even though we tried to talk a lot. He even said that now was going to be the time we were going to try and put our marriage back on track. He would say positive things like making things work out and then do a complete 180 and say that he says things that he doesn't mean because I'm forcing him to say something and he doesn't want to hurt me and he's not really sure what he's saying and if things are coming out in the way he means for them to. Sometimes when we talked he'd say stuff like he doesn't see his future with me any more and that he doesn't even see his future, he questioned his life's choices, what is he in our marriage? (just a paycheck?) His marriage choice with me, if he was wrong to marry me when I was so young for his own selfish purpose just because he wanted to make sure I was his wife. He has expressed that our life together had too much turmoil in it and that he has been unhappy for a long time now and that I should have known this because he says that he told me he was unhappy but he didn't never say it like that. He'd say things like why don't you want me like I want you or you don't love me like I love you. He never said verbally that his heart was dying like how he told me straight forward after it seemed to have happened in January, but even with that, I didn't find that out until almost February by noticing his withdrawal from me, then I had to question why he was acting so withdrawn from me. He believes that he gave more to this marriage than I did and that he doesn't have any more to give to it and he doesn't believe that I can change for the better or love him as much as he loved me. Our home feels so lonely, and me my 2 sons (18 and 19) feel a tremendous loss and I don't want to let go, what is going on? I feel like I'm dying inside.
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female
reader, no silver lining +, writes (21 March 2008):
no silver lining is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer some of your questions: I did not follow them because I knew he was going to tell her that he had feelings for her, I did not know why they were meeting and really I did not think of what it was they were going to do. Maybe because I was so scared of anything happening I just didn't stop to think and yes I should have. Yes, I was told it was a mistake to do that. As we were all driving there to the parking lot he called me and was talking to me and asked if I was coming straight home because he needed to talk to me about something but I pressed him to tell me at that time and he said that he couldn't but did ask me if we can still continue to live this way and I asked him what way? What do you mean? He responded by saying, pretending? (Because for the last 2 months he said that even though he didn't feel the same way about me, he didn't know how to live without me and that he was comfortable in our home and that even though he didn't feel the same way about me anymore he thought we could just live together like this forever.) Getting back to the drive to the parking lot; He said that he'd call me back because someone was calling him. It was her calling to tell him that maybe they shouldn't meet and maybe they can talk on Tuesday instead but he convinced her to turn back around and come anyway. He did lie to me about where he was going and what he was going to do and also about who it was calling; I knew it was her because she had turned left after following him and his work phone rang right after that. As for what our fight was about, it was really stupid and a great deal of misunderstanding on both our parts and the willingness to accept what was really going on. It turned physical like most of our conflicts did in the past because of inability to either let things go because they really aren't that important to fight over and the willingness to be really open and honest about true feelings. This is where I feel I lost him, over years of inability to relate properly and for him to express his feelings because he is the type of person who buries what he truly thinks and feels because everyone else's feelings and happiness are more important than his own and that's how he's always treated me and I guess I ran with it and never thought much about it. I was good to him and he I but I guess in what Lonely Two was saying, it's the warmth, emotional intimacy, the feeling wanted, needed emotionally, and loved and now I know that he felt that lacking and I can't say he wasn't wrong but he never expressed it like that before this event happened. I loved him and did things to show him but not in the way he was looking for. I would tell him I iron his clothes, I do all these things for him but he would say I don't need you to do those things, I need you to love me and I guess I just didn't understand what that meant. I felt I was loving him the only way I knew how. For 2 months I was trying to give him the warmth, lots of cuddling and hugging and understanding but maybe I was pushing him too much and the struggling he is going through makes him unable to cope with any of it. He is not in our home. He is close by in his family's home since Monday night. He called me this morning and he was crying throughout our conversation and said that he still cries everyday. Told me he was sorry for what he did to me, told me he wants me to be ok and he cares about me. I asked him if that was what he felt for me, care, and he said he couldn't answer that. He said he made so many mistakes. I asked if he was getting what he wanted now and if things for him was satisfactory and he said he doesn't know what he wants. I told him to dig deep down into his heart and there he will find what he wants. The heart knows what it wants and the heart is where forgiveness and understanding comes from and the soul knows. He said he has no soul. I told him everyone has a soul because that's where our feelings come from. Without a soul we are just a shell. He asked about our boys and how they're doing and wishes he could talk to our oldest son because he's not talking to his father. I said they're ok, and he asked about our dogs, I told him they are depressed and that of course our home is not the same without him. I did tell him I would put the dogs out and he could come visit and play with them if he wanted and I'd stay in the house while he did that. He asked me if he could call me later on today and I said , yes. I hope that I'm not trying to give him his cake and eat it too by doing any of this but I guess I'm working through my heart and not my head. Am I wrong? Lonely Two, I just hope that your wife can figure things out and start to do what is important and what matters to her heart not her ego before she loses the best thing that she would have ever had.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 You say a lot, but what is missing from your post? You never make your feelings clear, he cries a lot, you don't? You say any woman would be luck to have him. Not that YOU are lucky to have him, anyway even that doesn't imply love.
How much have you done in this marriage to make him feel loved? A lot of women are so used to the passive role they never even think that the man sometimes wants to feel wanted as well.
He even says it, what is he to you, a paycheck? You don't answer it.
How is the sex life between the two of you, even if you always give him what he wants, 22+ years of always having to initiate sex can get you down.
When then a new woman comes into his life who does show him affection, who does special things for him, it may be such a novelty he thinks this is true love and you just don't care.
I am NOT saying you were a bad wife, far from it. But just raising the kids, cooking the meals, keeping the house, it is not enough. Just as some wifes feel as if they are nothing more then the housekeeper, this feeling is about a lack of "special" attention.
But that is in the past, the split has happened. About your only hope of saving the marriage is to first ask yourselve, what is he to you. A paycheck, stability OR a man you still love with all your heart and who you want sexually.
Then ask yourselve, have you slowly starved him of feeling wanted, if the answer is yes, then this woman is just a cup of rancid water to a man dying of thirst. It may seem like the finest wine but that would soon enough change when he gets enough of it.
If you still truly love him, tell him this. Don't be afraid to pour your hearth out because you want to break through 22 years of him feeling neglected.
Remember that it doesn't matter if YOU thought you were showing your love, it matters what he saw. You might have prepared his lunch each morning with a kiss, all he saw was brown bread with cheese. Did he ever buy you flowers for no reason (dying overpriced plants that you have to clean up) and melted your heart? Well what did you in return, socks on fatherday?
The fight (odd you don't mention the subject) might have been the catalyst for all the pent up frustration. He clearly was deeply affected by it. Most men are bottlers of emotion until it explodes.
You still have a chance, this other woman just seems wonderful because she still smiles at his jokes. 22 years of marriage has seemed all the things you do for him seem routine. In a way you need to rekindle the romance, don't be afraid to this time court him. If his love was dead he wouldn't be so torn up about it. You just need to proof all the stuff like him being only a paycheck is just in his head.
It is going to take a lot of hardwork to make this marriage work again, but what have you got to loose?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): I don't think you will like my answer, but still going to say it. You made a very serious error follwing him and as you put it barging in when they were meeting. That made hime look like a child, made you look a broken woman.
I totally feel all the pain you feel. But the fact is, he literally told you he was going to confess his feelings for this woman. You barging it did not and never would change that fact....You lost a lot of power with that move.
I would suggest anyone think long and hard before doing that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): I would like to add that what he needs (of course only he can really say for sure) is warmth. This is why he seeks another. Now I don't know how he will respond,only you know how bad he is currently, but if you both sleep in the same bed, cuddling up to him will provide that warmth he needs, that tender loving care that he might feel he is missing. If he complains, just tell him you love him and want to hold and feel like you want to protect him from his pains, or something like that that he may accept. Cuddling goes along way, and is part of the equation that men miss when they have fought with their significant other, and might be the medicine needed to open things up and begin to heal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): I totally connect with your husband, I am in the same boat as he with the same reaction and feelings, though there is no one else I'm interested in.I realize that it takes time to heal, I've been in his state for almost 2 years now and haven't had sex for almost a year now (I lost count). I feel she hurt me deeply, and I'm trying to heal from it. Confronting her is not an option, it only makes it worse because she doesn't know what she has done and refuses to listen, or sees it as immature or lame, but it is real. I do better when she is not around, I feel like I'm walking on eggs when she is around.You mention you feel like your dying inside, well I think he feels the same way, and he is severly struggling to get out of it to. I, in my situation find it hard to get involved in most things, such as work.It will take a long time to work this out. What will help is love, trust, compassion, sympathy, intimacy. For him and this girl, I went through that to a point, but realized why I was doing it, I had a need for intimacy, not just physical, which it seemed I was going to reach for, but mental intimacy, the kind that you feel wanted, needed, respected, trusted, wanted and loved.For me, it all began when she took on a full time job. It isn't an easy job, and things she said about me when I came home from a bad day a work, I see her going through it to, with the similar attitude I was reported having. I commented on this, but she threw it out the door as ridiculous. Now it seems whenever I say something, she has to counteract it. If I say I like milk, she will say she doesn't and even add that it isn't good for you (just an example I'm trying to make).Try not to presure him, this will only make it worse for everything else that he is going through. Belive me, he feels pressured just with the stuff he is trying to deal with and sort out. Hopefully he realizes that their is still hope for you two, but it will take openness, honesty, humility to accept mistakes made that has caused the pain, and the willingness to hold each others hand and train each other in how to repsod to each other so the trust can build up again.This is extremely painful for both pf you, as well as I know it is for my wife, and she probably feels the same way you do, but refuses to open up and dicuss it with the heart. Instead, she is using the cold male ice thinking and defensiveness that will keep us seperated.I too have children 17 and 19, the eldest is in the Navy, and the 17yo will be 18 later this year.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (21 March 2008):
 I believe that the fight you had in January was perhaps fueled by his feelings. Sometimes when you are not happy you pick fights or fuel them because you are so angry inside. If he was feeling loving towards you in January this fight, whatever it was about, wouldn't have gotten out of control. I believe he was truthful telling you he has been unhappy for a long time. In January he cracked.
Marriages that are in trouble usually have signs and one person or the other will voice their concern, maybe not in a direct manor, and the other partner just won't see the signs. Eventually they allow themselves to die in side and then bing, someone comes along and shows them the slightest attention and they are off, feeling loved again with the new found attention.
Then they start really evaluating their situation and during the decision making process it is touch and go with feelings of guilt, wanting to make it work, wanting more and filled with so much confussion the person doesn't make sense and seems to be going in two directions.
Eventually a decision is made and they go down the path to where their heart is drawn. You husband is going down the path without you. Is his path silver lined? No. The woman he is chosing is married with little kids. There is a better than 50% chance that will not work out for him. But he is going to try to fill his life with what he feels is his chance at happiness.
So what of your marriage? I think you should give him some space and try to evaluate what you want in life. Have you been happy? Do you love him? Can you make him happy? Does he make you happy? Sometimes life throws us a curve and when we really look at the situation, it's a blessing in disguise. If you determine that you want this marriage to work then give it a go with everything you've got. Approach him differently than you have in the past so that he knows you are all in.
Good luck to you and take care of yourself.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (21 March 2008):
 My ex husband and I fought about certain things. Not another woman, but about him not wanting to put my name on any properties that he owned, and about him not looking out for my future by making a "Will." I began to feel that he wasn't looking out for me, and I began to resent him. Plus he was a business owner who for 17 yrs forced me to work 24-7 in his stores. Plus, no intimacy at all, for years.
When we were still together, I constantly told him that I was unhappy. He would just shrug it off. When I realized that I wanted to leave, at first I would cry. After crying for a while, I began to heal, meaning that my feelings for him were dying each time I cried. I then developed an interest in a guy who worked in a business next to me, who gave me daily attention. I started to feel loved by someone, though it never went anywhere. Meanwhile, I began sleeping in a separate bedroom at home.
Finally after a few months, I packed my bags and left. Until this day, I have no desire to go back.
I don't know the circumstances of your fight, but it must have been a strong one, to make him isolate himself from you.
If you want to give it another chance, don't wait too long. The longer that he is involved with this other woman, the less chance you have of ever getting him back.
Talk to him. Tell him you want him back, you miss him, you love him. Take steps towards a "Marriage Counselor"
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): What on earth was said in this fight that you had? Whatever it was must have been truely hurtful for your husband to give up on what was once a loving enough marriage to have 2 sons and support you all.
I think that he has already moved on, in his head and in his heart. Who knows how long this has been going on, it sound as though a marriage that he was comfortable in, was tipped right over the edge by your falling out. I think you need to accept that things will never be the same, if your husband has a happy future with this other woman then you need to let him get on with it, your sons will heal, they are certainly old enough to understand and Im sure that they would rather you be apart and happy than together and loveless.
On the other hand if there is the slightest silver lining in the distance to all this, if you truely want to make it work and can see a way of that happening, grab it with both hands and do all that you can to make things right. When all your resources are exhausted, he may move on anyway. Just take time out, decide what it is you want, sit down with your husband, see if it is fixable or if he has no intention to make it work, then you will both know the way forward.
As for your heart....it will hurt for a long time but time is a healer. x
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