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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I have been having an affair with a married man for 10 years. We have split up during that period but after about 6 months or so we have resumed the affair.He has 3 grown up kids and he doesn't work--retired with a pension. His wife works as a uman resources manager full time.He is prettu unreliael and phones me about once every 8 days to arrange to meet up. I take a day off work and he stays for about 6 hours but the evening meetings have dwindled. I think his wife has become very suspicious which is why we just meet during the day albeit for 6 hours.I have great trouble in getting him ti talk about things that affect the relationship and he usually makes a joke which I take as a signal that he doesnot want to discuss things so there is no point in pushing.One day he phoned me 20 times just because I was out shopping and he couldn't get hold of me at home and my mobile was switched off. He demands to know where I was.When he suggested a meeting the next Tuesday I said I wanted a serious talk and he replied "Oh, is it the season for it " which made me very angry. I said if he didn't want to talk then we needn't bother meeting and he said that he would meet me and try and phone me before the meeting. Guess what he did not phone me and the meeting never took place.What am I to make of this. Is he avoiding me just because he thinks I may end it.Advice needed please
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affair, married man, period, split up Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (24 December 2006):
 To the question asker.....if you truly want to feel freeand fulfilled, find a guy that can give 100% of his love, openly and honestly. You will never have to look back. Tha is the only way to reclaim your self. It's worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2006): Okay...enough with the pesecuting of this woman.
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (24 December 2006):
Everything that has been said here is possible. What is true is this, we never get both sides of the story. Perhaps this woman seduced him 10 years ago. Perhaps she wanted him. Just because she wrote the question doesn't give her any edge on him.
You say.... no woman with a healthy state of mind would be number two for so long, willingly. Well, it could also be said that no man with a healthy state of mind would act like he acts, yet you call him a Prick.
Lets face it, they both have been sneaking around for a long time. They both knew it was wrong. How do I know this, because they we're SNEAKING AROUND. Innocent people don't do that. I'll bet they never went to see a movie, shopping at the mall, strolls through town etc. Why, because they knew they would get CAUGHT. Getting caught is what happens when you do something wrong.
Why does the guy who drives the get away car after a bank robbery get charged with robbery. He didn't actually rob the bank, he just drove the car. Because, he was in the plan up to his eyeballs. Again, many times we only fret and worry about consequences when they are staring us in the face. If you rewire the electrical system in your house before selling it, do a shoddy, quick, cheap and uninspected job, are you responsible when a fire starts and the new owner dies. Technically, quite possible, morally, 100%. Why, because you knew what you did was wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2006): Eddie, he isn't the one on here asking for help or support so...why take the time to say the poor bastard?
This is about the mistress who comes across very confused, very unhappy, very insecure and very vunerable.
HELL YES I think sleeping with another woman's man is Wrong and nasty.
However...
I do think this is more about her and why she would feel that she expended 10 years with an unavaiable man. No woman in her strong, healthy state of mind and who can view herself as a woman of worth and value would lower her standards and settle for second choice...she is an object at this disposal and that is going to further spiral her self worth to next to non exsistant.
I still say she needs to get some counselling to get herself to a strong emotional and mental state to where she goes...I don't need this PRICK...I can find someone who will love me and treat me the way a woman needs and deserves.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2006): I think all the answers below are wonderful and are the diverse opinions of good, moral people. To the Anon reader below, who is ranting about 'moralists'- Mother Teresa should never be put into the same category as this man and his mistress. (martyrs? I don't think so)
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being moral and having some principles, some ethics. Aren't they truely the best example and blueprint/map for all of us, our children, our families to retain when making the right choices in life. In this case, the mistress and her lover are not making right choices are they? Personally, I think moralistic people are good. They are people make their decisions based on that 'moral blueprint'. Our life paths, based on ethical choices choices, are really much more clear cut. There is a clarity. In fact, decisions and choices are easier when one thinks and rationalizes their life choices using morals. All that you read on this site, are individual, personal opinions from a diverse range of people who express themselves, in their own way. If you feel most of it is a moral rant...fine. Just don't judge the moralists, yourself becaue you are judging others, without compassion. When I hear someone, come on here and put down the moral people, it makes me wonder..why are 'they' so defensive. Quite often people do this, to justify something in their own life that they did, that was bit hurtful and immoral, perhaps? Everyone of us will face tough choices, in our life. Some of us 'duck' these choices and take the easier way out. So rather than agonize or brood over a possible outcome to a bad circumstance, moral people just make decisions based purely on their principals and ethical beliefs, they address their problem head on and use common sense and yes, anon reader...they use morals and rational self-reflection to learn and to choose the right way. Hey, most of us like living that way. What do you others out there, think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2006): To anon reader below: the basic set of morals in common society are the ones that contribute to your localized society as a whole, to benefit and/or cause no harm to the individuals that reside in that society. You expect that 'absolute morality' are the people who cause absolutely no strife in any form in their common localized society, however as far as specific morality goes, I suggest you stop with your generalizations and concentrate better on the specifics.
I for one, will never cheat on my partner for any reason. The mistress here seeking for help has contributed to the wrongful temptation and doing of the man in view, who cheated on his wife for the last 10 years. The specific criteria of this moral concept is this fact. You cannot possibly bring other points of 'morality' in this specific topic. It's like saying, "I recycle most of my paper and aluminum products that I have acquired, but because I still throw away greasy paper and aluminum products, I am a bad person." You fail to see the topic in question, and you fail to see whatever morality we have exerted is for this one topic only.
Morality isn't one entire thing that spans out to everything. Morality is a collective of situations that may benefit and/or cause no purposeful harm to those involved. Mistress here has obviously caused purposeful harm to at least one person involved, benefitting herself and the cheating husband, hurting the wife.
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (23 December 2006):
to anonymous...you don't know the definition of a martyre. Just because you're unhappy, doesn't make whatever you do OK. It might explain it btu not justify it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2006): To all the moralists out there, cast the first stone if you are totally moralistic in every sense of the word in your lives.Dear anonymous,if you have been treated badly all the time and gets no satisfaction in return from this man then yes move on after so long.You stayed because there must have been something you found it is worth your while.Maybe you don't really like commitment as well and the occasional trysts is enough for you because a single man will probably ask for more commitment from you. Not to be too blase' about the situation,it seems you are not too sad about it, he is not too sad about it and his wife who doesn't know is not too sad about it. But if he leaves his wife,she would be devastated.If you break up with him, he will be devastated and you may not feel too good for a while as well.May be he is a true gentleman believing in his vow that death to us part and you are his little bit of sunshine in a loveless marriage that has run it course. Sometimes there are men and women who are martyr to the course of someone else happiness. Does he/she need psychological help? Maybe but then mother Teresa should have all the psychologists in the world queueing up to treat her when she was alive.Saying all that if you really want him to be with you as a partner then yes you need to talk seriously with him and get to the bottom of why he cannot leaves his wife.Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2006): As far as morality and personal ethics goes, Eddie and the others has nailed it right into the temples. Especially in the perspective of the mistress. He's not reliable, not paying enough attention to you, and he never calls back to meet up. Well as Eddie has commented "Perhaps, he couldn't call you because he was busy with his.....WIFE."
Try not to look at our comments as surface judgment. Look at this as if you're looking at yourself. Obviously, we're not going to give you the approval advice you seek. It's not that we don't want to help you as an individual. It's simply because we don't encourage this sort of relationship.
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reader, eddie +, writes (22 December 2006):
I feel that people are being too hard on the cheating husband here. There is plenty of blame to go around to both sides. He's no angel, that's for sure. But, neither is the mistress.
Yes, she should find out what makes her settle for second choice, especially after 10 years. Somebody mentioned problems in her childhood. He may have been harmed in his past, treated poorly by his parents etc. Maybe his actions are a reflection of something he suffered through. Why are his issues less important? Who knows? If that excuse worked for the mistress, a troubled past, it works for him too.
What I do know is this. The mistress in this case knew what she was getting into. Most importantly though, she doesn't seem to be fretting over the harm she might be doing to innocent people but mostly about herself. In order to fix this problem, you have to take ownership of the fact that you've contributed to it as well.
It seems there are double standards at work here. Wrong is wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2006): Great commentary below....on a purely biological level, you have what is known as a love addicition or addicition to sex and you need to seek medical intervention, go see your doctor and ask for the referral of a Phd Behavioral or Cognitive Behavioral Therapist....to continue this way for 10 years and one more day is too long to live trapped like a rat by your own OCD or addictive behavior...get some help, you need it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2006): He is a selfish, manipulative, emotionally abusive, twisted man who uses women to derive some sense of power over his unhappy life.
You are not even a person to him; you are a thing. As is his wife.
You wasted so much of your energy and love into a man who doesn't care. This is very tragic.
I agree that where you are now; the heartache and confusion are but small elements attached to the consequences of your decision. You will have no real peace or true, lasting happiness because the Lord does not give his blessing to your union; that is saved for those who are righteously married.
I had to say it as so many people of today who get caught up in living in the world and by the world's standards; which aren't very high-they are left bewildered as to why they are unhappy.
And...
You clearly have some issues from childhood that you would subconciously choose an unavailable man who isn't supportive, loving, tender, responsive...was Dad like this? Did he leave your Mother and You and now you are re-inacting that whole mess in hopes you will have an outcome where Dad/"BF" will choose you and you will happily ever after?
Please pick up a book by Beverly Engel titled "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship". I suggest this book as it will surprise you and lend you new eyes to see from as to why you have put yourself into such a horrid dynamic all these years.
Get smart and Wise; there is still hope to find true happiness and to be loved and valued as a beautiful woman by the RIGHT, single man.
Best Wishes.
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (22 December 2006):
I have something to add to my previous post. We all arrive at our positions in life based on choices and experiences we've had. Sometimes we hurt others along the way. Correction, we always hurt others along the way. We're never perfect. We have to learn though from what we've done. It should be clear to you now that your choices have been wrong and possibly hurtful to others. Now, it's up to you to make the honourable changes.
I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, but I'm a little black and white in some areas. I don't know what made you decide to go with a married man. I'm sure, if you remember that moment 10 years ago, you knew it was wrong. Feelings developed though, he told you what you wanted to hear, that lead to a false sense of entitlement and that brought you to today. That is the easy explanation, but not an acceptable excuse. It doesn't make it any more palatable because you feel for him. Wrong is wrong. Even if he made his wife sound like a wretch, that was none of your business. But, feelings take control and our judgement goes out the window. He tells you his problems and you feel the maternal meed to make things better. It's a simple formula.
As Irish says, go for something better, find out why you made your choices. I don't respect what you've done. I feel it's wrong. But, I'd respect you less, if after realizing your error, you continued on the same path.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2006): Dear, instead of playing this guessing game and wondering if he is avoiding you-why don't you make the move to just step back and ease out of this? You've been having a secretive relationship with a married man for 10 years. It's so clear that 10 years ago, you had nothing in your life so that is why you let him into your life and your bed. Don't you think this is a waste of your life? Let's think about this-what do you have, now? You still have nothing. No committment, no promises, no devotion, no obligation to you-nothing..zilch..zip! That position in his life is already taken-his wife has that. Doesn't leave you in a happy place, does it and if it's been 10 years, that isn't going to change...right? Your married bf seems to want to continue within the safety of an exclusive, illicit relationship with you but without the obligations to you and the constraints…often known as "trying to have one’s cake and eat it, too".
If this man had any wonderful qualities and good character traits, having an affair on the woman he married, would be unthinkable to him. Maybe you don't see it. When a woman has an affair with a married man and falls in love, she becomes blind to any imperfections in him. So many woman do this. They fiercely deny, rationalize, justify and ignore reality by saying "but..but..I love him!" In other words, you want him so much.. you don't care who 'he truely is', do you? If you want something meaningful in your life, drop him and go for a more fulfilling life with someone who can truely love and commit to you. Someone, you can openly love, not hiding that love behind closed doors. If you can't do this, get into some counseling to figure out why you feel so unworthy of a healthy, true love..that is out there. A good, healthy love is not loneliness, guilt, anxiety, clandestine meetings, and messing with another woman's husband. You need to look hard in yourself and understand why you tolerate this. If you don't end this and get on with your life and living in a good, respectful manner,there will never be an end to this painful cycle, in healthy, happier way. Why don't you do yourself a favor and end this? You have to use your courage. Nothing and nobody has the your power that is within you, to do what you need to do. It's up to you, kiddo. You can have more if you want it..something more meaningful and beautiful. Believe in yourself and be strong. Take care and I wish you the best, hun.
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (22 December 2006):
What do you expect here? Now you're being treated like his wife. Maybe he's cheating on you too. Imagine that !! The cheater, cheats on his wife with his mistress and cheats on his original mistress with his new and exciting mistress. Why not, you're both playing a dirty disrespectful game, based on lies and no morals. Perhaps, he couldn't call you because he was busy with his.....WIFE.
Obviously you don't appreciate this situation either. You also have no place making demands on anybody as you've volunteered to take the leftovers for 10 years. You have no claim on him or the spoils of your deeds. You're like the jewel thief who can't pawn the goods. You've got everything, you've got nothing. Your part in this picture is to satisfy his needs. You're aware of his situation and have given him the benefit of having what he wants. You say he's unreliable !! Of course he is and you chose him.
Stand back and take stock of what you've particiapted in. Look in the mirror and ask youself if you're worthy of living up to a higher moral standard. If you decide the answer is yes, have some pride and move on. If you decide the answer is no, then you get what you deserve. The only person I feel sorry for is his wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2006): How about you treating him the way he's treating you? That man has no respect for you or your feelings!! He's had the best of both worlds for the last 10 years and he just doesn't care any more.
Move on - new year new man!!
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