A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm trying to convince my boyfriend of three years to seek help for his drinking issues, but he refuses to accept he has a problem and his family aren't helping when they tell me to back off.His father is a heavy drinker, he always has been from what I understand and although he is no longer marries to his mum, my boyfriend and his sister remain very close to their father, meaning they often go out drinking together or even at home when we call for dinner. I have always known that my boyfriend likes a drink, and to be honest I like to go out and party quite often but I have calmed down from my teens whereas my boyfriend doesn't see that having 4-5 nights out a week isn't going to help us stand on our own two feet or sort out the debts that he has. We currently live with his mum, but we pay our own way and help out with chores ect.But this last summer, he has started going out more than normal and coming home smelling of drink so much, I have to force him into the shower. We went away with his dad and his new family a few months ago to an all inclusive resorts, meaning that he spent all day pretty much drunk with his dad, and I spent the whole week babysitting his younger siblings as his step mum couldn't cope with the youngest two on her own. I try and explain that I'm worried he is drinking too much and too often and I get told that I'm boring and that if I don't like it, I don't have to go out with him. Which I don't most nights by the way, maybe one at the weekend but that's it. I've tried speaking to his sister, who I get on very well with, to try and curb the drinking and to maybe call me when he has had too much. I got told that I'm not his mother and that he can do what he wants. I know his mother worries but she hasn't said anything to him either.It's getting to the point that he is coming home drunk 4-5 nights of the week, we have no money, and I'm having to pay some of his debt repayments or give him money to get to work with because he has spent it all.The past year this issue has got worst and I want to try and defuse it as soon as I can. But should I call him an alcoholic, or just a heavy drinker? He is so ill-looking and he has lost a lot of weight recently that his mates keep asking if he is ill! What steps should I take? Move out till it stops or slows down, let it go on until everyone sees my point? I have never had to do anything like this and I have no idea what to do to help him. He is 22, and I am 24.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2014): I am an alcoholic who has recently gotten sober but has taken me many tries to do so... are you giving him money or paying his bills just enables him to continue on his behavior. First thing you need to do is stop paying his bills... an addict or alcoholic whichever you choose to call it will not stop until they hit bottom. Every man's bottom is different... I highly suggest you go to an open Alcoholics Anonymous meeting... open means you don't have to be an alcoholic to attend..... they have both closed and open meetings, closed means you have to be an alcoholic or an addict to attend. Go to an open meeting and share your experience... you don't need to tell him you're going, just go meet some people and you will get all the answer you were looking for. Best of luck! also addiction and alcoholism runs in families so if his father is an alcoholic then chances arehis drinking is just going to get worse over the years
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 December 2014):
 C. Grant gave you a great link - USE it.
MY advice STOP bailing him out. If he can't pay his bills, maybe he will see that he CAN NOT afford all this drinking and going out.
Personally, I DO agree that you are not his mother and you can not make him stop drinking unless he WANTS to. So maybe it's time to walk away, after all - LOOK at his dad who is STILL a heavy drinker, THAT is what you have to look forward to.
I get that you love him and all, but you CAN NOT make him stop. He has to reach that point himself.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 December 2014):
 He is an alcoholic. He uses all his time and money getting drunk, he doesnt care that his relationship goes down the drain. He will just drown his sorrows with another drink.
My advice, my strongest recommendation in fact, is that you leave. You have already been pulled down to the point of paying his bills. You will start to pay more and more, I promise you that. You will financially ruin yourself, and...! You are enabling his drinking to carry on! What if ypu stopped pay his way? Hed get into trouble with work and with creditors? Let it happen. It needs to happen. And you need to get yourself away feom this before you get dragged down with him. Dont let his drinking problem ruin YOUR future too. This man is NOT relationship material.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (7 December 2014):
I suggest moving out until things get better. You will be paying his bills and basically financing him sooner or later if you arent doing it already. Unfortunately heavy drinking and acceptance of it does run in families, I know a few people who find this behaviour acceptable also simply because they were raised around it. It does sound like he has a problem with drink, nobody could possibly drink that often and not get tired of it unless there was something pulling them towards it. Best wishes
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (7 December 2014):
 The label doesn't matter -- "alcoholic", "problem drinker", "heavy drinker", "drunk". What matters is that it's interfering with the relationship. You think it's a problem.
An alcoholic doesn't usually turn things around because someone else tells them there's a problem. It has to come from inside -- they have to realize it for themselves. And that doesn't typically happen until something hits them between the eyes -- hard. They lose their job, their partner leaves, etc.
Contact these folks: http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
They exist precisely for people in your situation.
Good luck.
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