A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is feeling desired by ones partner not a valid needs . I posted a question here about whether it was reasonable to expect to feel desired by my partner . I mentioned my age ( 50) and that he seemed to have an interest In porn with much younger women . Although many of the aunt ‘got if’ several pretty much attacked me for needing ‘validationion’ . I felt extremely upset because I don’t see this as validation at al. In fact I feel like a confident woman and happy with how I look however I do think it’s a need for many ( perhaps more important for women ) to know that they are desired ) in fact I’ve read a lot about the role of feeling desired in women’s sexual arousal and how it plays into some women even becoming aroused . I definitely feel I would not Crome aroused if I didn’t feel desired by a man . It seems men’s desire triggers like porn are considered yet women’s are trivialised and the woman is put down and told she just needs to be ‘validated ‘ things that turn men on are justified like I was told ‘men just biologically desire women in their 20s ‘ yet how about ‘women biologically need to feel desired So is it unreasonable for a woman to need to feel desired by the man she is with
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2019): No , if your not desired then you are not wanted thus taken for granted and almost forgotten about. This is not a recipe for self esteem and can erode self confidence.
Some people could not care less while others are not ready for the scrap yard and will start to look elsewhere for what they feel they need. Nothing wrong with feeling alive and kicking, not everyone has to role over for youth.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (29 August 2019):
 Your need IS valid! Who WOULDN'T want to feel like their mate is attracted to them?! In your case, if your partner is gravitating toward porn and "barely legal" women and it's affecting your sex life, that means he has an addiction to porn! His neural brain chemicals are being stimulated artificially, like what methamphetamine does to the brain's dopamine center. The side effects are quite similar too -- without meth, the meth addict finds it hard to derive pleasure/euphoria from natural events because his brain is too used to the chemical, and the brain has desensitized itself to the unnatural flood of endorphins.
Likewise, porn acts on the brain in a very similar way. Instead of becoming naturally aroused by you, he's overloading it with images. Also, his penis has been desensitized as well, since usually when viewing porn, a person masturbates to it. He gets used to the stronger grip of his hand and the ease of the images that he has erectile dysfunction during conventional sex. The jerk who is ignorant will blame it on a woman's "looseness" when really, he's desensitized himself to ONLY responding to porn/masturbation. Add that to the addiction and cravings, and you've got yourself a real problem.
There IS help for that if he wants to change! Check out yourbrainonporn.com to see how this mechanism works, AND how he can systematically "reboot" his sex drive in order to respond normally to you again. Guys who have followed it or something similar have reported going from difficulty to ROCK HARD and find their real sex life has been enriched by leaps and bounds.
It IS a personal thing for sure, and it isn't because he is repulsed by you. On the contrary, some guys look at "mature" porn and get turned on by 60-80year old women, so it's really the addiction to porn and not a choice to not choose you over it. Other guys get lazy and find that "rubbing one off" to porn is easier than going through the time and energy to have couples sex, and if he's older like you, his erectile issues may be embarrassing to you, causing him to retreat privately.
Read the site I told you about, then have a long talk with him. Make sure there are no medical issues holding him back (i.e. medication, health issues, side effects, anxiety/depression), and make repairing your sex life a priority!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2019): Op here , yes absolutely I enjoy having fun like the male snob described and being sexy with him but tbh his response is lukewarm . He simply doesn’t get excited in the way he does over the women in porn . Don’t get me wrong , he can ‘perform ‘ but it’s like his hearts not in it . His eyes are closed the whole time and there’s no passion or desire for me . Yet when he sees those younger women he gets hit real quick . It’s like I can do anything to turn him on like them and they need to do nothing except show upAnd no , he’s not trying to date a 20yr old because he knows and well as I do that they wouldn’t want him . It feels like he sees it that he’s scraping the barrel from ‘ what is available to him and not what he wants . If that’s the case I’d rather take my luck finding someone who actually is turned on by a mature woman . Hence my question about whether this is just something I need to accept will happen with all men or whether a loving sexy relationship is available to a woman my age
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2019): OP, I will not argue about symantics. It IS perfectly reasonable and normal to want to be sexually desired by your mate! I suppose that your mate is also 50ish? I do not know how long you two have been a couple. Desire does change, over the course of time, due to the familiarity that we gain with our partner. In the beginning it is tear off their clothes and you are unable to keep your hands off of them! It is the newness of them! Over time we learn to know their body, their sweet spots, and their familiar words and moves. Now the porn that he watches is just a fantasy. He is not trying to date a 20 yr old! You have taken care of yourself and have a nice body. How about trying to make some things NEW AGAIN? What if he was watching porn, and you went to him in a sexy skirt, squatted down in front of him and gave him head just like you did when you were younger? Just before he cums, stop the bJ and say there is more in the bedroom, then walk away!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2019): I commented on this matter on your other post, but I will do it again. Many women want to feel that their partner finds them desirable physically. It's a turn on for us and helps with arousal.That old meme that men are biologically attracted to younger women because they want to spread their seed is mostly a bunch of malarkey. Most men now days do not want to have the added burden and cost by having lots of kids with lots of women. Men deserve some credit for having some common sense. It's called evolving.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (27 August 2019):
At the heart of this is the question of what you understand by validation.
Validation doesn’t just mean feeling acceptable: to say that a woman is validated by her partner’s desire for her isn’t necessarily saying that she should only feel good about herself if a man desires her. Validation can also be about feeling appreciated. It feels lovely when someone likes our personality. It feels nice when we are praised and acknowledged for our achievements. It feels really good when our bodies are desired, appreciated and enjoyed by our partners. But we can still be clever and hard-working if we don’t get praise; still have a wonderful personality even if no-one says so; still be sexy and attractive if those we want to find us desirable don’t do so.
Is it wrong for a woman to want to be appreciated in that way? No of course not. Nor for a man. Should either men or women accept a situation where their partners don’t find them desirable? No. IT’s a normal thing to want and to expect from a relationship. Plenty of people live with it when their partners find them less desirable for whatever reason. But no-one should be criticised if they can’t, or they don’t want to.
I wish you all the very best.
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