A
male
age
41-50,
*esYesNoYes
writes:We met when I was 16. Since then we've been the best of friends, lovers, secret keepers, supporters of the other's dreams, family, and an occasional shoulder to cry on. If I had to sum it up I'd say it saved us both when we needed it. Our relationship gave two outcasts shelter and in our desperation we found true acceptance.It has been almost 11 years now. We're married for five years. No kids.We've been going deeper into dark fights lately. The past few years have made me wish we never met. I don't enjoy "us" anymore. Neither does she. There is a wall she created. We're roommates not lovers anymore. We started seeing a counselor a month back. It is such an odd experience. You spend so much of life rubbing over the same sore topics that when new points of view are provided it shakes things up. Makes them new again. We've both been hopeful about learning and trying to be better to the other.A month back my wife got angry because I looked at her. Two weeks back because I helped her when she wanted me to listen. Today because I didn't stand behind her as she paid at a cash register. I used to accept the blame, accept her viewpoint, but all I see is a spoiled brat looking for control.She has insane anger issues. They will never be fixed. I've been there to help her, talk through it with her, show her that comfort can exist. But it didn't work. And a sense of entitlement and ownership over me grew instead. The therapist has really made these clear to me. I'm shocked at where I'm living.One other note: My wife has no sexual desire. She doesn't life sex. She never has. She will sometimes provide oral sex but it is very cold. She doesn't want to commit or be embarrassed. She is afraid of her sexuality.Today she admitted that she had no desire to try and change this. She said so.I hate to admit it, but hope for change was all I had. Hope that we could cuddle naked and not worry about anything. Hope that we could explore each other in every sense of the word. Hope that she'd control her anger and understand how accepting I have been,,,I love her. But good intentions weren't enough. I've given all of my life to her, but I receive almost nothing in return. I'd rather be alone forever then feel this pain for one more day. How can you have a relationship when one person is unwilling to participate?I'd love to hear another point of view. If I have any spine at all I'll be holding onto divorce papers this time tomorrow. Not because I don't love her, but because I want to leave before this love turns to hate.So, I guess what I'm asking is, is divorce the only reasonable option when someone refuses to try?Thanks for listening. :(
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divorce, no desire, oral sex, roommate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): Try a separation before the divorce, maybe sometime apart my help things. Also try going to church. All things are possible with god. keep faith and prayer.
A
male
reader, YesYesNoYes +, writes (14 March 2009):
YesYesNoYes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo very true. Thanks again. :)
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A
male
reader, YesYesNoYes +, writes (14 March 2009):
YesYesNoYes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. I really appreciate your help. Ren: I will look into NLP further. She has always been this way but it is growing worse. It is out of control. And if comes to divorce I will look see if I can say "lack of consortium" in my state. Thank you so much.Satindesire: Thank you Satin. That is a quote from Einstein. He also said "If I only had an hour to solve a problem I'd spend 55 minutes looking for the right solution.". Then he married his cousin and lived a loveless marriage. *sigh*
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 March 2009):
 First, what does her past look like, before you got together? I'm going to provide a general analyst, without her past, I hope this helps you.
Behavior, such as this, generally stems from traumatic experiences. Trauma is like a cyst, if not taken care of it grows. When the pain grows larger than the subconscious can hold, it overflows into the conscious mind, which creates abnormal behaviors.
Her anger when looking at her, in the store etc. symbolize abnormal behavior patterns. These are difficult to treat, because they become a part of their being where they don't recognize abnormal behavior as being anything but who they are. If she doesn't see something wrong, how can you treat what she doesn't acknowledge?
If she has no will to work on the marriage, divorce is what I recommend. It takes two to really reignite a broken marriage. If she's willing to seek treatment, instead of counseling, look for a "neuro linguistics programming specialist." NLP alters the trauma held in the subconscious to release it, therefore the abnormal behaviors associated with the trauma disappears.
If you choose divorce, and live in a "show cause" state, claim "lack of consortium" for withholding intimacy.
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