A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So there has been a lot of talk in magazines etc about Jools wanting to check Jamie Oliver's texts....and I have to say whilst it's wrong I can kind of understand it...My boyfriend has always been very private about his phone, to the point that he locks it, would probably never let me use it on my own etc....the thing I don't understand with this, is if he has nothing to hide why act so secretively? I am an insecure person, so him doing this makes me feel suspicious, mainly because whilst I lock my phone, I have no issue with him seeing anything on it...ok so I wouldn't want him to read my messages to my girlfriends but if he felt insecure or whatever then I would let him look....I think its him being so ademant that I shouldn't that makes me think that.....plus there was this one time ages ago when I asked him if he had seen a picture of his ex (wife) new baby as they were still friends...he said no, but then a few weeks later he was showing me some pictures on his phone and right there were several pictures of the little one and one of her holding the baby...of course I went mad as I felt I'd been betrayed...he says he didnt have them when I asked and then didn't tell me as he knew I would be uncomfortable (i have never really liked her if im honest)....but I guess this kind of thing has created the mistrust, and being told u cant look at something makes you want to more and also makes you wonder what they are hiding! Am I being really irrational in thinking this? I get that everyone is entitled to their privacy, but why would you want to keep things from your partner? Maybe I am in the wrong? Would like others views as clearly me and him do not agree on this
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (9 August 2012):
 You are projecting your insecurity onto your boyfriend by accusing him of hiding something. In reality this issue has very little to do with your boyfriend. Until you face up to and overcome your insecurity issue you will have difficulty trusting others.
His reaction probably comes from being offended by the insinuation that you think he's hiding something. I know I would feel that way.
If you work at developing a healthy sense of self-respect you may understand it when I say that the idea of snooping on your partner's phone will gross you out. Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 August 2012):
 I really think it comes down to the reason you want to check the phone out.
If you feel like you can "only" trust him if you can look through it every day, then you have serious issues.
I don't think that anyone should ever HAVE to check their partners phone. Or feel the need to.
My husband will let he use his at any time of the day if I need to make a call. And he can let it lay around anywhere, and I wouldn't touch "just" to see who he has been calling. Why would I need to?
I do think one people start putting password on their phone it usually means one of two things. Either they have had a phone stolen and don't want a random stranger to see what's on their phone or #2. they keep stuff on it they know their partner wouldn't like to see/ stuff they shouldn't.
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A
female
reader, 1sunshine +, writes (8 August 2012):
 I trust my boyfriend. His phone is locked & I am not concerned one bit. He doesn't look at my phone and I don't ask to look at his. We have our own groups of friends, and he has his. It's sort of our own business I guess??
You need to trust each other. It sounds like you don't trust him. I couldn't live with myself If I was always wondering if my boyfriend was truthful with me or not...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2012): I think it's more of an issue if your partners habits change. If he used to leave his phone lying around unlocked but now he carries it everywhere with him and is secretive, then you've got more to worry about.
My ex told me that she was happy for me to look at her phone and made a big show of scrolling through her txt messages in front of me, but wouldn't actually let me look. When I did snoop she had a couple of folders where she saved the sexts and photos from two men that she was seeing behind my back. I only started to get suspicious when her behaviour changed and she started taking her phone to the toliet with her, when previously she would leave it around.
If he's always been uptight with his phone it may just be the way he is. If it's recent, I'd start to worry.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 August 2012):
 if he is secretive it's because there is stuff he does not want you to see or know about.
I have been with men who have lied to me about things... and guess what... they always got defensive when I wanted to see their phone...
my current partner... no secrets. no passwords that are not shared... no locked phones... free access to his phone by me if I want (and I don't) and free access to my phone by him if he wants... (he hates my phone)
we usually answer each others phones if the other is not available... tends to freak out his friends who are used to hiding things from their women...
I personally think that respecting privacy is important if it's EARNED... but someone who keeps things from me, does not have the privilege of my respect and their privacy if they can't be trusted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, that's exactly how I feel and its all the password type stuff that makes me think that...like I say I wouldn't really want him looking through my stuff, but if he felt insecure about it then I would let
I have asked him about it and he said its an invasion of trust so if I wanted to look then he would let me but would break up as a result, which makes me feel worse...as then I think what if I check and am wrong....its weird because we have been together 3 years and he goes through phases where he doesn't care soo much (doesn't let me see but still more releaxed) then others when he seems to hold it close etc not want me too see or he'll start putting passwords
I really don't know, I don't want to lose him but I do feel really paranoid about it and it drives me insane...
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 August 2012):
 There's snooping, but there's also over the top secrecy. When one person is hiding their phone from the other, to me that's an indication that there's a problem. Like you said, what is he hiding? I don't snoop on my partner, but part of the reason is because he doesn't behave like he's hiding something and know that if I wanted to badly, he'd probably let me look at emails or something. If he was locking and hiding everything, I would have a pretty overwhelming urge to see what's there, just like you do.
Especially given that he was lying about the photos from his ex, that's a pretty massive red flag that something is amiss. I'm not sure what, but something. It might be something innocent that he's just embarrassed about, but it could be something worse.
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A
male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (8 August 2012):
 He doesn't let you look at it and he shouldn't have to, you have to learn to trust him, you said yourself you want him to see what you send to your friends, so why should you see what he's doing, he does what all men do and keeps things to himself that are completely unimportant to him but will cause an argument for you because of your own insecurities, so what if he had a picture of the baby? Get over it, grow up, unless he's given you real reason not to trust him the give him a break, because he won't put up with your insecurities forever
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A
female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (8 August 2012):
 I think what is on his phone is his own personal business and you shouldn't be so concerned about it. You shouldn't let your insecurities dictate your relationship.
Furthermore, if you feel so strongly about this then say all of these things to him, not mincing any points, and see his reaction. If he is showing signs of lying (and I mean real signs, not your 'gut feelings') then bcome worried. Otherwise I feel you are overanalyzing the situation before you really know anything.
We don't know if he is telling the truth, only you can ask him, and only you can choose to trust him.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (8 August 2012):
 He's hiding something!
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