A
female
age
41-50,
*ickleyourfancy
writes:Recently i discovered that my partner had a profile on a BDSM website. As there is nothing dominant / submissive with regards to our relationship i found this very strange. To see what this was about i set up a profile myself and chatted to him/his online persona , he spoke about his experience in bdsm in the past which shocked me, watersports humiliation etc , nothing like this has occurred in our relationship of 4 years ever. Online he asked a lot of questions as to what i would like to explore myself etc and how i discovered i was a sub etc etc. To cut a long story short i confronted him about this as i couldn't play along any longer. We are now broke up but he is still trying to explain himself and i dont know whether to believe him. Please help!!He told me that the online persona was to get on the site and chat to people. He was curious about BDSM and wanted to find out more. That was all nothing more. He said that he wasn't looking to meet anyone off this site ( he's profile said that he was). He said that he lied about experience and that it was all fantasy/internet games , not real life. He said that he did not engage in cyber sex, just chat and then killed contact when he'd got information. He said that he had no interests in carrying any of this out which was evident from our sexual relationship which was good and not boring ( that was what i thought). Do i believe him? IS that cheating? I think if i did get back with him now i will always wonder if he was interested in BDSM but felt that i wouldn't have been impressed.. I wonder has he had a dom/sub relationship before and that the experience was real.. What do you think?
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female
reader, tickleyourfancy +, writes (19 May 2008):
tickleyourfancy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNothing major he just doesn't mention important things to me, like he had a 4 year relationship with a married woman with a child that started to see him as a father figure. How he had a relationship with a girl who slept with her brother and got pregnant by him. I suppose to be having an intimate relationship with this guy and i'm beginning to wonder if i know him at all. He doesn't lie outright he deliberately doesn't tell me things and then makes me feel paranoid. Just big things he doesn't mention.
I have no evidence he cheated no. If he had it would have been during the day as he is out and about alot with work. I should point out here that online i arranged to meet him and he agreed to see me on a Monday lunchtime, again of course that was all part of the game he says and he would have cancelled and kept up chat.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): Deeds matter, thoughts we can't control.
Do you have any evidence that he cheats on you? What are these lies he tells?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): This is a new question. "I love my man but he lies to me and I think he might be cheating." Start a new post giving us details about the lies he tells. (Apart from the BDSM) If you have suspicions that he is cheating, you need to tackle it right away, for the sake of your self esteem.
Lies in a relationship are never a good sign. They indicate a lack of trust and intimacy in your relationship. You must ensure that he knows how important honesty is to you. You cannot afford to put up with his lies.
However, as you say, it could be that your bringing the hurt of past relationship into the relationship you have now. Update us on your situation. Take care of you, I wish you both well.
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A
female
reader, tickleyourfancy +, writes (19 May 2008):
tickleyourfancy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.S When fighting over this he agreed that yeah he cheated on me in thought if not in deed, which really hurt...
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A
female
reader, tickleyourfancy +, writes (19 May 2008):
tickleyourfancy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionReally appreciate the advise Diovan, great to get an objective view on things! I am still left wondering if he intended to cheat on me or whether he has done so in the past. I dont suppose i will ever know the answer to that question. He had been online for months by the looks of it. I never saw any signs that he had cheated but that means nothing really.He has lied about a few things in the past and has been good at it. He's online profile said he was looking for someone to explore with,and from chatting to him online thats what it seemed like. He now says that of course he had to pretend that in order to get chatting with people. I suppose i have to decide whether i believe him and whether i want to forgive him for the hurt. I thought we were really connected before this happened. I have had too many guys make fools of me in the past and i dont want this to be another one/ i didn't think he would be one of them. We're due to meet to discuss everything in about two weeks,i'll keep you updated!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): finally!
excellent advice on this site
well done that Diovan
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): Don't let this make you insecure. He loves you he finds you attractive. He just has this thing. He probably has wet dreams thinking about you tied up and unable to get away whilst he gives you all the pleasure and love that he's able to give.
As I said this is advanced sexual practice and most women think it's disgusting and would run a mile. He dosen't want you to go, so he tells a lie to keep you. Honesty is great, but in the real world people hide things all the time. He thinks he's sick, he thinks somethings wrong with him. HE THINKS SOMETHINGS WRONG WITH HIM, NOT YOU.
Even when you tell him it's alright, he's still ashamed he still thinks somethings wrong with him. He'll try very hard (including lying to himself and you) to keep this sick secret to himself. You wanna make him happy, you wanna keep him. Then help him, show him it's alright. Play little games with him, let him know that it's alright and your willing to play.
Call him over, put on something that looks like a school uniform. Tell him you've been a bad girl cause you dumped your boyfriend. Tempt him into letting you see his true self. If it hurts or you don't like it, tell him to stop. Have a laugh with it, if you don't like it, laugh and say that it's too advanced for you.
Close the bedroom door, keep his secrets and do things together that turn you BOTH on and keep you BOTH happy. It's nobody else's business what you do in your bedroom. Be adventurous, get to know the true sexuality that is buried deep inside you both. Good luck, have fun.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): Don't let this make you insecure. He loves you he finds you attractive. He just has this thing. He probably has wet dreams thinking about you tied up and unable to get away whilst he gives you all the pleasure and love that he's able to give.
As I said this is advanced sexual practice and most women think it's disgusting and would run a mile. He dosen't want you to go, so he tells a lie to keep you. Honesty is great, but in the real world people hide things all the time. He thinks he's sick, he thinks somethings wrong with him. HE THINKS SOMETHINGS WRONG WITH HIM, NOT YOU.
Even when you tell him it's alright, he's still ashamed he still thinks somethings wrong with him. He'll try very hard (including lying to himself and you) to keep this sick secret to himself. You wanna make him happy, you wanna keep him. Then help him, show him it's alright. Play little games with him, let him know that it's alright and your willing to play.
Call him over, put on something that looks like a school uniform. Tell him you've been a bad girl cause you dumped your boyfriend. Tempt him into letting you see his true self. If it hurts or you don't like it, tell him to stop. Have a laugh with it, if you don't like it, laugh and say that it's too advanced for you.
Close the bedroom door, keep his secrets and do things together that turn you BOTH on and keep you BOTH happy. It's nobody else's business what you do in your bedroom. Be adventurous, get to know the true sexuality that is buried deep inside you both. Good luck, have fun.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): I agree with Diovan. He's probably just curious. Trust him and see how it goes!
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A
female
reader, tickleyourfancy +, writes (18 May 2008):
tickleyourfancy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply. Thats the thing though, when i got over the shock i told him that if he was into it then thats ok but he's still adament he isn't into it & that he was just curious, that it was fantasy & escapism, so i feel he's still lieing to me. I dont know why he's still lieing, i cant bear the lies.
I dont want him to sacrifice anything, i just want him to be honest and he's adament he is being now..
I cant see how our relationship can go on if i will feel that i'm inadequate in bed and he isn't being honest with me about his desires.
Confused..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): BDSM is advanced sexual practice and is not accepted in most societies. He's probably ashamed he feels like this and thinks it will hurt and embarrass you if you know about the things he likes. Probably he was right because you finished with him.
I think this guy loves you with all his heart. I also believe that he has played BDSM games with other women in his PAST. Has he ever cheated on you. HELL NO. He loves you, he wants to be with you. He loves you and loves being with you more than anything in the world. It's just a kick with him. He likes what he likes and he can't help it. He would never suggest to you that you do some of the things he's read on the BDSM web site. He just needs some way of getting it out of his system. He never meant to hurt you and probably is feeling quiet bad now. HE LOVES YOU MORE THAN BDSM......
The rest is up to you. He loves you. He will never do this again because you don't like it. He will be faithfull to you and love you with all his heart. He will still like BDSM and will probably dream about it and long for it, but he loves you more. If you loved him the same way you would realise the sacrifice he giving up for you. He's giving up what he likes for you. If you loved him the same way, you'd talk to him and see if you could find some way of bringing BDSM into your sexual practice. Not the hard stuff, just fantasy games, a little light stuff, like playing doctor and nurse, secretary and boss. He would love it, and love you even more. Then you'd have a guy who loves you, who is faithfull and is happy to boot.
But if you don't like it don't do it. He loves you, he's faithfull. Give the guy a break.
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