A
female
age
30-35,
*amy
writes:Hello! I have been in a relationship for 2 years and I just broke up with my boyfriend a few hours ago. But now I am starting to wonder if I was too harsh. Like I said, we've been together for 2 years and we moved together a few months ago(I had to move to UK as I am from a different country). Overall he is a great guy. He treats me nicely, he does everything he can to make me happy, he doesn't even let me cook or wash the dishes, he buys me nice things, he is understanding etc. And I do love him very much but he did some things in the past that I can't get over. For example at the beginning of our relationship he used to flirt with girls (even in front of me), he kept things from exes including like love declarations and stuff on his Facebook, and he lied to me about girls he used to like(saying he never spoke to them to find out that he was lying and he was actually friends with them) or dated. That's just a few examples. Once I told him that those things were bothering me he stopped doing them saying he didn't realize he was hurting me (although I feel that he should have been more considerate about my feelings), he got rid of things from exes and his reason for lying about those girls was that he was too scared to lose me. This made me not trust him so much tho. And today, he told me that 2 weeks before our first anniversary he had a crush on a random girl he saw on bus and was too scared and too guilty to tell me until now. That broke my heart and made me feel so stupid. I was so excited about our first anniversary like an idiot while he was having a crush on someone else. He ruined that memory for me forever. And it was just too much. All the other things he's done came back in my head all at once and was just too much to bear. He broke my heart too many times. So I broke up with him even if it's killing me. Was it the right decision or I should give him another chance? (he looked so sad and cried so much...)
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): Ah, that makes more sense. It's harder to trust one partner when previous partners have cheated on you. I know that from experience. And if he's acted in less than a trustworthy manner, it makes it that much more difficult. From your followup, breaking up seems like less of an overreaction than from your original post.I didn't mean to imply that you are not quite "normal" here -- I hope you didn't think that. If you've had a series of relationships that were abusive or ended in cheating, though, you might want to look into counseling to help you choose healthy relationships in the future.I was in an abusive relationship and did not seek counseling when it ended because I thought I couldn't afford it. It took me a long time to work through all my issues on my own, though, and I *don't* recommend that you follow my example. If the mental health resources in your country are as good as the physical health resources are supposed to be, you should be ok.Ultimately, you're the only one who can answer whether breaking up was the right thing to do. Best wishes, whatever you decide.
A
female
reader, Kamy +, writes (12 November 2012):
Kamy is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you very much for your answer!
Yes, I admit that I tend to get jealous and I realize that sometimes I even overreact. And I try to control myself when I do so. It's just that like I mentioned, those are just a few examples. He's done lots of other things that hurt me.
I have been cheated on before, I've been through abuse and had several bad experiences in the past with men. All these led to me having serious trust issues and hate men and yet I managed to trust him and he was the only person I truly trusted in my life. I told him this and I asked him to always be honest with me and not lie and the fact that he broke his promises to me not once but several times had a huge impact on me. I would've probably taken the things he did a lot easier if I was let's say 'normal'. But considering what happened in my past, him betraying my trust several times when it was so hard to trust in the first place was just overwhelming.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): Based on what you've said here, I think you're overreacting."Once I told him that those things were bothering me he stopped doing them saying he didn't realize he was hurting me (although I feel that he should have been more considerate about my feelings) ..."Honey, he *was* being considerate of your feelings if he changed his behavior once he knew what bothered you. Men are not mind readers, and some men don't take hints very well, either. So you can't expect him to realize that something is bothering you until you tell him plainly. Also, while telling you about his crush wasn't such a smart thing to do, it doesn't seem to be the end of the world. Did he act on it? It doesn't sound like he did. Even people in long-term relationships and love their partners very much can get random crushes on others on occasion. What matters is what they do about it. You sound very jealous, and jealousy is a sign of insecurity. It sounds to me as if your inability to trust him is a problem with your attitude, not with his behavior. If you can't work through your insecurities, though, it's ultimately kinder to him to break up with him now and let him find someone who can love him more maturely.Incidentally, I've been both in your shoes, and your boyfriends'
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