A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I are separated for 4 years, it's a long story of infidelity on her part and neglect on my part. I have accepted the situation for what it is and to help keep peace in the family. We have 2 adult children. Recently she asked me to go with her to visit her ill brother. It was a nice day for a ride so I went. We had a good day together. When she was dropping me off at my house that evening, I asked her to come in have have sex with me. She denied me saying she was uncomfortable with it. That didn't sit well with me. I have done many, many things for her and haven't asked for anything in return. She reminds me that she still loves me. I'm now taking that as a lie. What I'd like to ask was it inappropriate asking her for sex? I don't know her love life, she hides everything and I don't ask. I'm certain she has sex when she wants to with a choice of men. All I wanted was a sexual tension release from her, nothing more. It sure can't be anything to do with her moral value it's certain she has none. I don't have anyone in my life like she has, men go crazy for her and she loves the attention. I've spent a fortune on her to see she has a safe reliable car, I have spent time and money on her home and I get nothing. I feel I'm really cheated this time.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 October 2013):
 You can ask all you want. that's fine
to EXPECT IT is wrong
to be mad when she says no is wrong.
ask away
you don't always get what you want.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 October 2013):
 Is asking your separated spouse for sex wrong?
No. But getting pissy and feeling like she owes you sex is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2013): Asking wasn't necessarily wrong, but going in a monster huff because she said no is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2013): The politically correct answer is to criticize you for even asking. I don't necessarily agree. It depends on the situation. Plenty of people who criticize you for requesting sex, would not think anything bad about her asking you for money or some other kind of "husbandly" help as a favor. It's just a polite request, right?I think your sexual request is only as wrong as those kinds of requests that someone in her shoes might make of you. No better, no worse.Neither of you has to consent to anything but there is nothing improper about asking IMO. Ask her. If she won't comply, you don't have to keep doing extra nice things for her either. I agree with your observation about her values. If her values prohibit casual sex with you, then they prohibit it the rest of the time with other guys too.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (27 October 2013):
 To answer your question, yes it was wrong. No matter how many nice things things you do for her, she does not OWE you sex. If you feel you're doing too much for her and getting nothing back, then cut back on the assistance, but realize that nothing you do for her is cause for her to owe you anything physical in return. This would be true even if the both of you were still happily married without any separation; in the US, partners of both genders have the right to decline sexual propositions in which they are not interested. Even within a marriage.
My advice to you would be to turn the separation into a divorce so you can improve your chances of finding an available and interested lady.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 October 2013):
You aren't the smoothest guy are you? How many women are seduced by "Come in and have sex with me."?
I bet that the guys she has slept with since put in a little more effort than that. And it also probably explains some of the cheating (not that I condone it).
I'm not even going to talk about her owing you, that's been covered.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (27 October 2013):
 i'm very confused as to why you think your ex wife owes you sex because you do things for her. she does not owe you a thing, let alone her BODY, just because you do things for her on occasion. if i were her, i would find it extremely insulting to be propositioned like that!
you say that since she denied your proposal for a hook up, she must not really love you. what?? - do you really think her having meaningless sex (by your words) with you would be an indication of her love?? her denying you for meaningless sex doesn't mean she doesn't love you. maybe, just maybe, she doesn't want to be used!
stop doing nice things for her if it makes you resent not getting laid by her. if you can't do nice things for her out of the kindness of your heart because you two are still friends and care for each other, then i don't know what else to tell you.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (27 October 2013):
 Yes it was very wrong, you are the one it seems who lacks morals. Expecting a woman to have sex with you is very wrong. You don't own her.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (26 October 2013):
 Just because you have done lots for her in your time doesn't mean she owes you ANYTHING! Firstly asking her to have sex with you after she visted her sick brother would of probably come off as inconsiderate and at the end of the day you two are separated. She may tell you she still loves you, and she probably will slightly for the rest of her life, due to the fact that you are the father of her children. However if she still has feelings for you which seems like she may do then she knows that sex will make her love for you stronger and for you will just release all of this sexual tention. And spending money on her IS BECAUSE YOU WERE IN LOVE FOR AN AMOUNT OF TIME! Its what you do when you love someone which still means she owes you nothing. You also make out as if she SHOULD tell you what goes on in her lovelife when its nothing to do with you because you are not with her anymore. So to answer your question I would probably say yes it was. Find someone else to give you love or pleasure but going back to your ex will probably just complicate things for the both of you.
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