A
male
age
36-40,
*amm555
writes:Hello. I was wondering if there are any asexual people on this board. I am one myself, but I would be curious to change thoughts with other like minded people or with people who are curious about asexuality.Often I read about some people having problems with dating and relationships, with sex and sexuality. It's somewhat funny to me, really, because I've never engaged in those activities myself, and I couldn't care less if I ever did. As an asexual person, sexuality hasn't had any effect in my life, for which I am grateful. Most people discuss whether they should have sex before or after marriage. I am one of those would have sex in neither case, because sex doesn't interest me at all. I'm a 23-year-old male, and I foresee a steady and fullfilling next 60 years without the need to dabble in sex. Sounds great to me, how about to the people on this board? :)
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (14 July 2016):
 Just wanted to add to this, in case anyone looks it up as I have, that some asexuals do want sexual intimacy because of the closeness and/or libido. Many don't, but some do - as most asexuals identify as asexual because of a lack of sexual attraction to people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2012): I recently decided that I was asexual a few months ago, and it was an interesting realization for me. Somehow, I knew deep down that heterosexual just didn't describe me, even though I've had crushes (I'm a high schooler), albeit completely platonic ones. When I found the term asexual and looked it up, I knew that I had found the orientation that described me perfectly. It's so nice to know that there are others out there.
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male
reader, QuietThinker  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 I'm another asexual. I'm a 52-year-old male virgin, and I've never been interested in having sex with anyone, including when I had a girlfriend who I loved and lived with and shared a bed with (although I did like cuddling with her).
I do fantasize and masturbate, but it's purely a matter of fantasy for me; I have no interest in having anything I fantasize be real. It's like a police TV show that I may find exciting, but with no desire to actually be a policeman or detective.
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male
reader, samm555 +, writes (18 January 2011):
samm555 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the anon 30-year-old
In a way, I can understand why you think the way you do. It is difficult for you to truly understand why some people can be happy without a relationship. It is, however, only a belief, not a fact. Not everyone is dependent on other people. Not everyone is need of "love" as portayed by the society. People are in individuals.
You doubt I could go the rest of my life in a state that is happy and balanced for me? :) Again, I tell that libido and sexual orientation have nothing to do with each other. I've always had a normal libido, but I've never desired sex or other forms of intimacy with other people because I don't find it appealing in the least.
Let me put it this way: if you had a high libido and you were heterosexual, you would feel the need to be intimite with people of the opposite sex, not with people of the same sex. Still with me here? Now, if you still had the high libido, but your sexual orientation wasn't directed to people of the opposite or the same sex (asexual), you would have nowhere to turn this sexual energy into, and it would only leave you feeling frustrated, but hardly repressed, because you'd still be true to yourself. Comprende? :)
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male
reader, samm555 +, writes (18 January 2011):
samm555 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, asexuality is a sexual orientation that you are born with, just like heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality etc. It is believed that ultimately sexual orientation can be fluid: that it's possible it can shift during one's life time for example from hetero to homo or vice versa.
To miamine:
I am capable of erection, yes, but I have no use for it obviously. Also I am capable of experiencing orgasms. Asexuality doesn't mean that one wouldn't be able to perform physically. It just means I have no innate desire to perform because I don't find other people sexually attractive. For me, the physical pleasure that I get from orgasms is surpassed by a hundred other things, but I've read that many sexual people describe orgasms to be one of the greatest experiences. While I have no reason to doubt it's great for them, I know it's nothing special for me.
To gamine:
Asexuality doesn't mean having sworn-off sex. Abstaining from sex is just abstaining from sex. However, when the reason to not have sex is because there is no desire to have it in the first place, asexuals differ from celibates in that because celibates are sexual people for whom the abstinence is a concsious decision that in some cases can even require a lot of willpower. Not having sex is a natural state for asexuals, whereas for sexuals it is not.
To the anon 27-year-old virgin
I don't experience loneliness, because I don't desire other people. In asexual communities, I would be called an aromantic asexual, meaning I find life equally fulfilling whether I ever was in a relationship or not, sexual or otherwise.
I'm afraid I can't relate to the loneliness you feel, but I'm sure there are other people who could help you with your problem, if you think it's a problem :)
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (18 January 2011):
 I think there is a difference between being asexual and celibate (non-sexual). Asexual is not choosing not to have sex, there is no physical desire or interest to do so, and there never will be any. Celibacy is a choice, asexualism is not.
Original poster..is it rude to ask... do you get erections, do you orgasm at all?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): I am 27, and still very much a virgin. I have never had a relationship. Not even by accident.
How do you deal with the inherent loneliness. Because for me, the loneliness and sadness is completely staggering. Sometimes I've felt I will suffocate with the pain of it.
I envy you. To be alone and not feel such extraordinary sadness and discomfort. Not to have your desires run unfulfilled.
For me... its torture. I am just not one of those people that finds it easy to get along with people. They never seem to want much to do with me.
Flynn 24
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male
reader, samm555 +, writes (17 January 2011):
samm555 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Cerberus:I haven't even considered having children. I am quite the independent person by nature, and I like to have my freedom to come and go as I please. Having a child would mean tying myself down. Plus, I don't even really like children, so I don't see a point in having them.As for love, there are lots of different kinds of love or forms of attraction, I think. I know that on top of not experiencing sexual attraction, I do not experience romantic attraction. I have experienced aestehetic and intellectual attraction before though, but they haven't led to a relationship with another. I don't desire a relationship anyway, though, as I'm fulfilled and content on my own so there is no internal motivation for me to for example start dating. I do, however, recognize that the society is built on the assumption that people are partnered; that there will be two people paying the bills and taking care of the responsibilities. As such, I will some day be open for a committed long-term platonic relationship. The other person would just be there to share responsibilities with so that we would gain mutual financial (and perhaps social or legal) benefits from the partnership. Love, for me, doesn't include having sex or holding hands or kissing on the lips or feelings butterflies in your stomach. Love for me is simply caring for the other person in emotional and spiritual terms. If I wanted to procreate I would be physically capable of doing so, but my partner would have to understand this view that can oh so very different from the norm :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Well, I am different from most people when it comes to priorities in life. I don't feel the need to find a partner. I've noticed that, generally speaking, people consider being single for an abnormal state they are so desperately trying to change. They are looking for somebody, anybody, just so they wouldn't be single anymore. Frankly, I think that is pathetic. For me, being single is my natural state as long as I am not in love, or strongly attracted to somebody. The thing is, 99,99% of guys I see in the streets and public places are not my type. Most guys I find completely unattractive and I would never date one of them just so I could say I have a boyfriend. So, even though I am not asexual, my life doesn't revolve around relationships and dating like other people's lives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): "forgo your asexuality" sorry that was worded wrong. I meant if you were asked would you try it for someone you had love for or even for the purpose of procreation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Fair enough then OP, I asked mainly out of curiosity to be honest.
If you don't mind I have a couple more questions. Do you think you'd like to have children in the future?
And even of you don't find people sexually attractive have you ever considered having a partner and would you forgo your asexuality to please them?
I mean you might not be capable of sexual attraction but you are capable of love and while a sexual relationship has no appeal to you, would you consider a platonic partnership with someone?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): I agree with Ceberus about how this may be a way of avoiding the hurt or the complications that come along with relationships. I was a late bloomer and I lost my viriginty at the age of 19 with my first boyfriend. Up until that point,I hadn't dated. I didn't have ambitions to stay single all my life but I always felt fortunate that I wasn't "worried about sex all the time" as some of my peers were.After breaking up with my first boyfriend and some later bad experiences (flings where I hoped for more and was instead treated badly)I became very cynical about relationships.I had a year dry spell from ages 22-28. I avoided getting too close to men because I felt incompetent dealing with all of the complications of a relationship. I described myself as "asexual" at the time (Not formally or in public). At the time, it wasn't just my cynicsm that made me this way. I physically didn't want sex. In retrospect, I rarely masturbated during that time. I just could get into imagining it. My libido and my interest for sex were gone.Now I am 30 and I have been getting back into dating, but I feel like I'm a bit behind in understanding men and myself in relationships(that's probably why I look at this site). All that said, I think people have relationships (and even get married) because they learn alot about themselves in a relationship. The difficulties present in relationships give them opportunities to be better versions of themselves. And people have the need to be loved intimately. You could perhaps go the rest of your life without sex, but I doubt you could if you weren't loved. Best of luck and be brave.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (17 January 2011):
Yes there are asexual people, but they are very rare. We have had one or two people like this on Dear Cupid. One person was actually violently anti-sex, which is something I've never seen before.
Many people who have no sexual desire may be damaged emotionally or physical, through trauma or low hormones, so it's a good idea to see a doctor and check to make sure there is nothing medically wrong.
Otherwise, yes, there are a few rare individuals who inherently have no sexual desire. Human's show different levels of sexuality from sex-addicts to asexual. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you are happy. I know there are groups for asexuals forming on the internet.
Brilliant post though. I hope it will give encouragement to more asexuals to come forward and tell their story. Young people especially can believe something is wrong with them and cause themselves a lot of distress without reason.
Thank you. :)
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reader, samm555 +, writes (17 January 2011):
samm555 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Cerberus:
I know myself very well, and there's nothing wrong with me either physically, emotionally or phychologically. Asexuality actually has a definition: asexual is a person who doesn't experience sexual attraction. It has absolutely nothing to do with libido, because libido translates to sex drive, to the level of need to have sex. Having average or high libido means you crave sex, but coupled with the asexual sexual orientation, it means you have nowhere to turn this sexual energy into because you don't find other people attractive in sexual terms.
I know that sexual people (99% of people) can have difficulty in understanding this concept, because they feel sexual attraction. Asexuality has been studied somewhat, and they've found that asexuality has nothing to do with medical dysfunctions. Actually, a few years ago I had my hormones tested just to see how they are: test results came back as average, some levels were even above average. And it's no wonder, as I'm physically fit, don't drink alcohol or smoke, and I'm happy with my life anyway. Relationships, whether romantic or sexual, just don't interest me at all, and they've never had any place in my life.
To Cindy:
I'm glad you've already heard some background about the rare sexual orientation called asexuality. We are such a small minority that we can easily be overlooked nowadays; considering that almost everyone assumed that all people are sexual.
And don't worry about "conversion". Asexuality is a sexual orientation that can't be chosen or learned: it's in-born. If you wish to abstain from sex that's called celibacy, but asexuals aren't celibate because celibacy refers to a conscious decision to abstain from sex. Asexuals, however, have no desire from which to abstain. As such asexuality is a natural part of the person who doesn't experience sexual attraction.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Have you spoken to a doctor about your lack of libido?
I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being asexual, just that you might have a medical abnormality. Do you still have sexual urges or have masturbated? I only ask because if you've never had any urges nor ever felt the need to relieve those urges even on your own then there could be something medically wrong and it might be worth getting checked just to make sure it isn't something serious. Just a suggestion.
If however you do have normal sexual desires but just no compunction to act on them, then that's fine I don't see anything wrong with being asexual as long as it truly is something you're happy with. As long as your lack of sexuality is not a psychological nor medical abnormality then I see no problem at all.
The only thing I will say though is that if you don't know what you're missing then you won't ever miss it. Have you never even had the urge to start a relationship or want to date?
Look as much as you read about problems involving sex and relationships that's only a tiny percentage of what a relationship is like. I can honestly say 99% of a good relationship is the best thing in the world.
The problems and difficulties related to them are not enough to stop me wanting them because the good things outweigh the bad in most cases.
I've been through pretty every type of bad relationship you can imagine, except for cheating, I have never cheated nor been cheated on (that I know of anyway, so I assume it's never happened which suits me fine) I don't regret any of the bad times, because they come with life and I've had some very bad times in relationships but I can look back now and I'm still happy I went through all of that because that to me is having lived.
If you're asexual as a means of protecting yourself from being hurt then that's not a good reason in my opinion. If that's the only reason then it's a lonely reason but if you truly have just never had the urge and are happy that way then good for you.
I have to say though as long as there isn't any medical reason for this, I think sometime in the future you'll meet a girl by chance and all your ideas of being happy alone will disappear. I've seen it happen lots of times to guys who were content never dating. It only takes one person that you gain feelings for to change everything.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 Hey, if it sounds great to you, it's cool with me :) . As long as you hurt none, do whatever makes you happy.
I think Dr.Kinsey said that people who abstain totally from sexual
contacts for lack of interest are about 1,5% of population, so you are not alone. Further studies indicate a higher number. It's tricky to figure out exactly what's the deal, because some asexuals will occasionally masturbate , considering it an operation of hygienic maintenance like flossing, and others will be adamant in not touching even themselves.
If it works for you and it does not have any bad effects on your health/mood/emotions/self-esteem, I'd say if it ain't broke don't fix it. I sure hope though that you do not convert a lot of people to your idea :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Well its pretty hard to relate to your opinion to be honest, though I realize that sex can be a bit of a double edged sword. It is the most intense interaction you can have with another person both physically and emotionally, yet it can cause so much drama.
If you're happy not having sex then good for you, but I still think sex is worth the trouble personally :)
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