A
male
age
36-40,
*daminmissouri
writes:I'll admit that online relationship question sites aren't my thing, but at this point, I'm to suggestions from anyone.The short version. I've lied to my girlfriend. A lot.I took money from her purse [~$50.] without any GOOD reason, and even pawned her laptop without a GOOD reason. I've lied about my whereabouts, and even that I was working an entire second job.She has found out all these lies, and as a result I begrudgingly saw a doctor who said I displayed most, but not all, of the tendencies of someone who is bi-polar.In reading about the disease more, I fit almost all of the symptoms. I'm on medication now, but I'm having a hard time keeping hope that my mistakes that, while not completely caused by bi-polar but are at least a result of, are repairable.I love her, and have never cheated. [At one point early in the relationship she found a letter I had recently written to an old girlfriend explaining I still had feelings for the old girlfriend. This was written during a time of depression and was never sent to the ex-girlfriend. It was simply a way to blow off steam. After the letter was written but before it was found, I realized how much I really did love the girl I was with. Now I'm head over heels for her, but can't seem to force myself to do anything to fix it.I'm on medication for manic/depression now, and she is rightfully wary of me. It's just hard to keep trying when I feel like I'll never be able to fix it, no matter how much I love her and miss her.Is a relationship repairable after so much dishonesty so early? The thought of being with anyone else, or her being with anyone else, crushes me because I really do care about her.Her response to my dishonesty is to become aggressive and combative now as a way to defend herself from being hurt, but it only hurts me and makes me less hopeful I can ever fix it.Is there a good way to explain to her that her feelings of distrust and hurt are reasonable, but that her combative attitude now is only hurting me more and not fixing anything?I feel like I deserve it, and I don't fault her for it, except that it makes me less willing to be open with her which makes her more wary, thus completing the vicious circle.I know I'm know saint, and I will work for as long as I need to to fix it, but it is hard to maintain some level of hope when faced with so much adversity when I really am trying to please her. It this repairable?
View related questions:
crush, ex girlfriend, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (3 November 2010):
 You had a balance before all this..of course it's going to take a long time for her to let you regain trust. Can't pinpoint a time..but it's going to take quite a long time. There will be a time when she will fully trust you but not anytime soon.
You have to understand that would you did most girls would have dumped you instead of still hanging on. That right there says something. Yeah, she's upset and hurt..has a right to be but she's also got to decide what to do about this.
A
male
reader, adaminmissouri +, writes (3 November 2010):
adaminmissouri is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the honest, but hard, answer. I know it won't be easy, and I don't expect it to be as such. I looked at her aggression as being unsupportive, and not from the standpoint of self-defense on her part, even though she openly said, "This is self-defense on my part."
I get it now, and I'm willing to work towards it. Where, if it exists at all, is that balance of being open and honest about everything but still maintaining independence. I'll give her access to whatever she wants, but should I ever expect a time when I won't have to?
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (3 November 2010):
Then my advice changes...although the ass kissing part stays the same.
Whether it was caused by your bipolar-ness or not, you have lied thus breaking the trust that has been built between you two. Now, she's having a hard time trying to figure out what to do, if she can even let you regain the trust that's now lost. Yes, she does have a right to be upset, but she shouldn't be so set on hurting you like you hurt her. Two wrongs and a whole lot of retaliation don't make it right.
Here's what you can do, have a serious talk with her..tell her you wish to regain her trust, what you did and lied about is inexcusable, you're deeply, truly sorry for what you have done, even though not all of it has to do with your condition, which remind her you are trying to control with medication, ask for forgiveness, and for her to let you regain her trust back. You know it won't be easy, and she probably won't make it easy on you if she decides to keep you around. But after that talk, the relationship is now in her hands and it's her call.
...............................
A
male
reader, adaminmissouri +, writes (3 November 2010):
adaminmissouri is verified as being by the original poster of the question@tennisstar88 I should have mentioned in the original post that everything has been paid back and the laptop was returned.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): I know your question is about your relationship but I think you should be concentrating on getting your illness under control. You need to give the meds time to work. It depends what your on but several pharmaceuticals take time to build up in your system before they work effectively. Ask your doctor about this. Also talk therapy can really help manage the mania and depression and help you identify and cope with the episodes. Your girl obviously cares for you since she did the sensible thing and got you help. Talk to her, appologise for what you've done and then commit to getting well so that you can be the bf she needs and deserves. Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (3 November 2010):
Stealing is grounds for a breakup..I understand that you're on medication to treat your condition. But you did steal $50 from her purse and pawned her laptop just because. Personally, I would kick you to the curb and press charges over the laptop. However, she's still holding onto you by a frayed thread.
Have you offered to pay her back $50, get her laptop back or replace it? That should be your first step. Next would be to do a lot of ass kissing. She's got every right to be upset and combative towards you, but then again she needs to decide if she's going to stay in this relationship or end it. Other than what I mentioned there's nothing you can do or so to makeup for your actions.
...............................
|
