A
female
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anonymous
writes:Is it true that marriage is a sure way to kill the sexual chemistry of a couple? Obviously I am concerned. This is my second marriage, the first when I was 19 and within 3 years did not feel sexually attracted to my spouse. I struggled for the next 15 years and finally we divorced. The second marriage was much better but now we've been together for 8 years and our sexual activity is pretty casual and rare. What happens to couples who fall in love with each other? We still get along, we enjoy each other's company but I'm worried that marriage does take the wind out of a couple's sexual appetite. Just don't know what to do. It's not as bad as it was when I was younger but I don't want to become room mates either. Any suggestions from other couples who have been together for a long time and still get excited by the sight of each other? Is it possible? Or is it just a myth of the hopelessly romantic? Thanks for your answers.
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male
reader, unknown2u  +, writes (11 September 2012):
I've seen people post here about how they've been together for decades and still enjoy sex several times a week. Of course this is the internet ...
My wife and I have been together for 30 years. I think the last time we did anything together was June. What really put the nail in the coffin was when the kids became teenagers -- my wife has no interest in intimacy if there's anyone awake in the house, and now there always is. I used to really look forward to the empty nest, but now I'm pretty sure that by that time we'll be so out of the habit it'll never come back. And anyway sex now is so routine, so predictable, that I'm not even sure how much I miss it.
So sorry, I'm not any help to you.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 September 2012):
 I've only been with my partner for 3.5 years, but it's long enough to be out of the honeymoon phase and long enough that we have routines and such. We still have sex daily or almost daily and there are many layers to why. Natural chemistry can only get you so far, there is going to be some amount of trying/work involved even for the best chemistry.
I've found the most important thing about a good sex life is maintaining novelty in the rest of the relationship. That means we don't have a weekly date night scheduled where we go to dinner and a movie and then go home and have sex. It means we meet up almost every day after work and go on adventures. Sometimes we go look at historical buildings, go to an obscure basement concert, try a restaurant specializing in bizarre foods, and otherwise just go exploring together (yes, we both work full time, we make time for it). It gives that little rush of "newness" like you get in the very beginning of the relationship, and strengthens your chemistry together.
It's much more important that you make each other constantly want each other than the actual sex being something crazy and exciting. Because yes, you can try to dress up in lingerie or something, but that takes care of one, maybe two encounters. It doesn't help the underlying problem of a fizzle in desire. Also where is his version of lingerie? Most of those spicing up ideas involve some version of the woman pleasuring him or stripping for him.
Another very important thing is that sex is always rewarding for both people. That means you both orgasm every time, easily. That means you both feel wanted and both initiate sex sometimes. It means you BOTH still care that other person thinks you're hot and retaining a little mystery.
Maybe this will change when we've been together longer and I'm speaking about things I don't know, but I do know that sometimes it's been a challenge we've had to fix and that's how we did it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): Habituation kills romance, we all know that. I'm married for 28 years, also very young, and now we hardly have sex. We are very fond of each other, have a grown child together, work together, but sex part is pretty much non existent.
I do it myself sometimes. I think we both are ok with this. Our sex life never wild and frequent even when we were in our twenties. We both had sexual partners before marriage. What I noticed though that with me I get cooler very fast toward a guy as soon as novelty goes away. It's just the way I'm. But I don't want to change partners or cheat only because of it. I kind of faced the fact that one would never be enough for me long term. I want to have a family and I love my husband. Everyone is different though, I m sure there are families out there who can keep romance somehow alive.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (11 September 2012):
 It's natural but not inevitable. There's a wonderful book on how to sustain sexual energy in long relationships, I recommend it. It's called:
Cupid's poisoned arrow, by Marnia Robinson
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