| A
age
,
*
writes: My wife and I were having one of our weird philosophical discussions about sex and this question came up. Do men and/or women consider a condom a psychological barrier to intimacy? Let me try to explain this question.For the woman, is there a psychological difference between having sex with a man with and without a condom. In other words, does it feel less intimate if he is using a condom? Does it feel less like you really had sex with him?For a man, the question is the same. Does it feel less intimate and having felt like you really had sex if you used a condom? Would it feel different if your girlfriend or wife had sex with another man if he used a condom or not? I was thinking of how the husbands of the women who work in the legal brothels in the state of Nevada in the US feel. They are required by law to always use a condom with the customers for health reasons. I was wondering if the husbands or boyfriends think of intercourse with the other men less as being sex with their wives or girlfriends since a condom is used.My wife says that she doesn’t think of it differently whether a condom is used or not. However, I tend to think of it differently. My theory is that it comes from the way the male brain is wired. The early human male brain was probably wired to have the need to procreate and spread his genes. It is probably wired that way today. If there is a barrier between a man and a woman in this quest, then the objective is not achieved. The sexual act did not take place in the normal way and therefore was not as significant to the male. The sexual act was not really complete.I know, weird question, but we have these fun and challenging discussions at times. I love to try to figure out how my wife and I and the rest of the human race think about the various aspects of sex and other parts of life. What are some opinions on this? I would be very interested to know how others think about this.
View related questions:
condom, sex with another Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008):
There are some scientific findings about how sex can affect body chemistry. Bonding between partners, semen & antidepressive effects, birth control hormones and their numerous effects, etc.
I would be surprised if sex with condoms did not limit the experience biologically in some way or another. We may not have scientifically settled the issues about the specifics of it (yet) but I suspect there is indeed some kind of physical difference with the artifical barrier.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have thought about Tisha’s question and still cannot understand why I thought of sex with that one guy as less significant. I don’t know if it was because of the condom making it less intimate or because of the fact that he was a terrible lover that made him no threat at all. Actually, none of her past boyfriends were a threat and she broke up with the last one right after our first date. None of them were terrible lovers, except perhaps the one who didn’t do a thing to get her aroused and never had sex. I still think it was because of the physical barrier and because it prevented him from cuming inside her, therefore the sex wasn’t the transfer of himself to her, so to speak. The other barriers that Tisha asked about are not visible and therefore not thought of.
My wife didn’t like the feel of a condom because it was not comfortable for her. However, she doesn’t remember having any difference in the feeling of intimacy with or without. Some of the guys she felt intimate with because she liked them and some she didn’t feel intimate with. She just had fun on dates and had sex with them. It didn’t matter if he wore a condom or not.
I only wore a condom once with any of my 5 partners and that one time was the first time my wife and I had sex on our second date. I didn’t have an orgasm for the first time in my life at the time because of the lessened feeling and loss of sensitivity. I never used one after that with any of my partners and none suggested that I use one. Yeah, not very smart, but then there was no AIDS at the time, as that was about 28 years ago. Herpes was the big thing back then and I think that I did get HSV-1 from one of my girlfriends, oral and genital. I only had 1 genital outbreak, if it was herpes at all. The cold sores are a pain in the arse though. Chocolate aggravates them. Did you ever try to live without chocolate? Aaaarrrrgggg!!!! Oh, well. That woman was worth it. If it wasn’t for my other girlfriend (now my wife), I might have gotten married to her.
I know that a condom makes the physical feeling much different for me. I’m not sure about the psychological feeling, although I think that the “primal joy” comment of Tisha is correct. I would feel a loss of intimacy with that barrier between the woman and me. The sex would feel artificial. I don’t remember how I felt using a condom the first time that I had sex with my new girlfriend. I was just happy to be getting it anyway that I could, as it had been 6 months since my first wife left me. It sure was nice the second time that we slept together though. We both had great orgasms, instead of neither of us having one.
I appreciate the comments of Jess and the anon female. It appears that I am not the only one who feels the lessened psychological intimacy when using a condom, whether it be me with my wife or one of her past boyfriends. It appears that Tisha’s husband feels the same also. Thanks to all for your answers.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): personally I do experience a difference using condoms. Not sure that it "feels" any different in the sense of skin to skin contact, however for me it is like an entitlement or a gift per se, that I bestow upon one who is able to invoke in me complete trust and commitment. I am a firm believer in condoms, with so many VDs running around, and I do encourage everyone to practice safe sex.
However, twice in my life, I have felt comfortable enough to stop condom use and it was because I completely trusted my partner and thought that if I got pregnant for this person, that wouldn't be so bad. The last time, after we decided to stop using condoms, we both took STD tests to ensure our healthy status, vowed monogamy and I went on the pill and I think that those acts, which continued to be perpetuated by not using a condom during sex definitely amped the intimacy level in our sex life, not necesaarily the physical pleasure (and yes I do think that they can be separated) but my partner was much more loving, touching, we gazed into each other's eyes, we whispered love sounds into each other's ears, sigh, just thinking about this I want to go and find my bf right now, lol.
Physically though, I do tend to stay wet longer when condoms are not used. And I think that is totally a psychological thing because I don't think that latex impedes lubrication in any way, lol, and it also goes along with being completely at ease with my partner.
Also, when you think of a condom as a tool for safe sex, if other methods are in place, why keep using condoms? Unless you don't completely trust your partner to be faithful, which I guess is a valid fear in most cases. But anyway, if such doubt lingers in your brain then intimacy must surely be affected as well. That's my argument anyway.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 March 2008):
 Your opinion counts, Jess.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): Well my view is slightly biased because I haven't had sex when a condom is used but the reason why I haven't is because I believe it would be less intimate. (also I'm on the pill but it could increase protection so I did consider it). Its cool that you raised this debate because I was thinking about it just recently. I also like to talk about what the rest of the human race think about the various aspects of sex and other parts of life because its interesting! I personally feel that if my boyfriend used a condom it would somehow obstruct the intimacy I feel with him when we have sex without one. It makes it less personal in my opinion, it seems like it would be 'just sex' rather than a more meaningful, intimate experience.
But thats just my opinion. xxx
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (23 March 2008):
No problem, Troubled. This site is a great help for everyone, including the aunts, uncles, grand daddies and whatevers. The good think is to keep your mind and your heart moving, and to always want to know more and better. I commend you on this and on your posts.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome interesting perspectives on this subject. Tisha’s question to me is really interesting. I never thought about that, perhaps because those methods of birth control are not as visible to the man and are therefore not thought of in the same way. Or perhaps it is just me.
Let me explain where this conversation came from. As at least Daniel knows, I am one of those guys who had (and still probably does to a very small extent) trouble accepting my wife’s sexual past. She had 10 partners between her divorce and me, including 3 (as far as she can remember) one night stands. All 3 were actually 1 time dates. She never had actual sex with 2 of them, as one was too drunk to get it up and one was too big to fit in her (had no clue how to get her aroused). We were discussing our sexual histories in some detail for the first time in 28 years about 6 months ago. We only knew numbers and very basic details before that. The third one night stand used a condom (as did everybody, at least the first time) and I remember having this feeling that it didn’t really count as having sex with her. We discussed it a little at the time and forgot about it. We were discussing one of the questions on the board yesterday and I remembered that and we started discussing it and whether men and women think of it differently from the psychological standpoint as really having had sex. My wife said, “It is no different to me. We screwed.” I still have this feeling of it being less significant in some way, like he really doesn’t count as a sex partner.
I’m not asking this question now to help me in any way with how I think of her sexual past. We have discussed that at length and I have discussed it at length with 2 women on this board and have come to accept it or at least handle it without a problem. I am just asking this question now out of curiosity. This is the first time in months that I have thought of it and am just wondering if others have the same or similar feelings about it.
We have to go out now, so I will think more about Tisha’s question to me and wait to see what other perspectives are posted on this. Perhaps I thought of that one guy as less significant because that is the only time that she had sex where she did not like it, at least some. She actually disliked it greatly and just lay there wishing it would end. I couldn’t understand why I had that feeling and am just curious as to what caused it. I like to think of philosophical things like this, sex wise and otherwise. I guess I should have been a psychologist. :)
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (23 March 2008):
I think this issue can be viewed from many different angles.
We have Emmy Lou's and Tisha-1's opinion, that, in the end, sex with a condom is no different for them. Both say, however, that they do see a difference in men, in the sense that we feel some "primal joy", as Tisha-1 described it. I think they are both very right. I don't think any man REALLY prefers to use a condom with a woman he really loves. I don't want to be too descriptive and graphic here; let's just say that it's just not the same thing, either physically or psychologically. Just in case, I'm NOT saying you shouldn't use one. There are many reasons why using a condom would be a good idea, and I'm not thinking about STD's only.
I don't think a condom is a psychological barrier between me and a woman. Much to the contrary, if a psychological barrier is to exist, then it would be the one that Tisha-1 described: the woman feels like she could become pregnant and that detracts from the experience more than the film between one skin and the other. If she feels more confident that (very likely) she won't get pregnant, then the sex can be better.
I believe in being playful, like a child, and, with the right woman (which in this case is "the woman who'll do things that just aren't right"), a condom can be fun. In that way, it's not a psychological barrier. It will always be a physical one, but one that you could welcome. Of course, I'm not thinking about being playful in the way of that old joke, about the little child who had given children to the homeland... by pinching condoms with a little pin :-).
(I think we should have a button for conception. You push the button, no semen goes out :-), or no egg is released).
(I'm just trying to be funny, never disrespectful. Troubled is a person who has earned all of my respect).
I also believe that other factors would be way more important as psychological barriers. I wonder if this is changing the subject, but I hope not. I think that there would be considerably less psychological distance between you and a woman you love, condom on, than between you and a one night stand, without the condom. I don't think the condom is an important psychological barrier at all.
And, of course, then there's the experience when a woman says that you don't have to use a condom with her. She trusts you, and that should make you feel you're closer to her, I guess.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (23 March 2008):
 This is a very interesting question, and I'll try to answer as best I can. Honestly, once intercourse has begun, there's virtually no physical difference in the sensation for me between condom on or no condom. There was that little moment of awkwardness of fumbling around getting the d**m thing on, and that kind of latexy smell that isn't great. So it does interrupt the nice, natural flow of lovemaking a bit. But in no way did it make me feel like I wasn't having sex with him, or that the act of making love was somehow diminished.
What I did see in my partner after I went on different birth control, and obviously this is a monogamous relationship, so I didn't have to worry about STD's, was the difference in his experience. He was so happy not to have a condom on and he kind of transmitted that primal joy of intimate flesh on flesh contact, and that made me happy. Nothing like really turning your man on to make a woman feel great!
For me, when getting pregnant was a big worry, on those very rare occasions when I did have unprotected sex, I was always worried, in the back of my head, that I shouldn't be doing this...and I remember the worrying afterwards. 'Am I pregnant? I don't want to be! I shouldn't have done that, we shouldn't have done that...' So it was actually a bit an intimacy killer for me not to use a condom because I could not ever fully relax and enjoy the moment.
The pill did have side effects for me, like making me blow up like a balloon. My partner joked that it was doubly effective as birth control because it decreased my sex appeal. (That really wasn't as mean as it sounds typing it here now, it was really said with a great deal of humor and support!) The pill has come a long way since those days, as they have refined dosages and levels of hormones.
Let me ask this back to you, troubledtoomuch, if the barrier was a diaphragm instead of a condom, would the man feel that true sexual intimacy was not achieved? There's a latex wall between the 'seed' and egg in either case. And the other physical contraceptives like the coil or IUDs should also be a mental block in the man's subconscious mission...so I toss the ball back in your court!
Thanks for asking a very interesting question. I'll be curious to hear what others have to say!
...............................
A
female
reader, Emmy-Lou  +, writes (23 March 2008):
 I've always found that they feel the same, condom or no condom.
If you blind folded us and asked us to guess if you were or weren't using one, I can bet that very few women would be able to tell the difference.
I do believe however, that it feels completely different for a man.
Emmy
...............................
|
