A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im 20 and have been having sex since i was 17. i have had 8 partners and when i told my new bf he looked shocked. he said it was becouse im not loose down there. but i feel like he thought that was alot. is 8 partners at my age to many? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, susievee  +, writes (31 October 2009):
The more partners you have the more at risk you are to develop cervical cancer. I had a few partners when I was young and at a very early age 22, I developed full blown cervical cancer. I was lucky. Again I developed cancer, later in life, and again I was lucky. It seems to be gone. This is true stuff, treat your body like the temple it is and don't just let anyone in. There is also a vaccine available for young women today. I recommend it. Does any one out there know the one I am thinking of? Hope you find just one you like.
Susie
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): The "double standard" is very real and it is very biologically driven. I don't know how anyone could understand evolution and still not think we have a built-in bias towards more promiscuous men and less promiscuous women. People blame everything from religion to Sex and the City for our gender problems but there is nothing mysterious about this stuff.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): There always seems to be some post that makes me want to jump in. This time it was the post by the anonymous female who wrote, "Perhaps this something biologically wired in men. Is this fair? No. Is there a double standard? Absolutely" because I see generalizations like that all the time, and it is frustrating.
The world is changing, and although stereotypically guys are often proud of their numbers and think girls shouldn't be, that's not always true anymore. It's not just something "biologically wired in men", plenty of women care just as much about the number of girls a guy sleeps with. There's only a double standard if the guy feels he can have as many partners as he wants and that's fine but it's not that way for the girl. I'm a guy and I don't feel that way at all. Nor do many others, for that matter. It's a stereotypical thing that people pin this of this nature on one gender or another.
Look at all the posts on this site and see guys who treat women with very little respect, act inappropriately and have these double standards and see what the reactions by both men and women are. Often times they feel the guy is wrong to be like that and the just say "oh, he's one of the bad ones." That means that there are plenty of "good ones" that are NOT like that at all. So it's rarely just a thing about men or women specifically, it's a thing about SOME men and women. And with the feedback you see on these sites you realize that the stereotypical actions by either gender are no longer met by applause, but more often with disgust.
Anyway, that's my rant, on to the question at hand. We can't tell you if it's too many. We all have our own opinions, as will your boyfriend and future boyfriends. I feel it was very inapproriate and immature of him to comment on your tightness as that has nothing to do with anything. Yes, he may have thought that 8 is too many, I know many guys and girls I know would feel that is too many partners for that amount of time for their boyfriend/girlfriend to have. But, again, that's JUST an opinion.
If he doesn't like it, then he can find someone else, as can you if you're not comfortable with how he reacts to your number. You are not obligated to tell him how many people you've slept with. I personally think 8 is too many for someone that *I* would want to date, but I'm not the issue here. Every guy is different. Ask him how he REALLY feels about it, and if he still has an issue then go from there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): One of the biggest mistakes we make as women is assuming that men think the same way we do. Just because you don't think it's a big deal doesn't change the fact that many men are bothered by the number of sexual partners a woman has had. Perhaps this something biologically wired in men. Is this fair? No. Is there a double standard? Absolutely, but it doesn't change the fact that a woman's sexual history can be an issue in a relationship.
While I feel a woman shouldn't be ashamed of the number of partners she has had, there is no reason to go around broadcasting it because it's YOUR business. Some information is personal and everyone-- including your current lover, your mom,your friends--do not need to be privy to all of the details of your private life. As a grown-ass woman I regret nothing but don't need to go around bragging of my conquests in an effort to appear liberated and empowered.
To the OP, I'll just echo what everyone else has said: NEVER tell a man how many partners you've had, even if he asks. It's your past and none of his business. And if you ever get into a relationship with man who insists on you telling him about how many people you've slept with, drop his ass. He is already insecure and there is no answer you can give him that will make him happy; if you say 2 you're a liar, if you say 10 you're a whore. He will keep finding ways to throw your past in your face and try to punish you for not being perfect.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Is it? The question should be answered by yourself.
My personal answer, for me, as a man, would be yes. It does not fit my personality. You been active for 3 years. You mean SEXUAL partners, so lets assume that you also had 4 relations that didn't end with sex.
That would make a relation every season. (That is why I had to add some, to make a simple division possible).
It would suggest to me a person who needs a hobby.
But, it is your life. You make your own choices but that includes accepting the consequences of them. And that might mean that some people call you loose. Same as a virgin might be called uptight.
But since you ask... 8 guys? It could be because it is your choice, but all to often women with this kind of figure tend to go from guy to guy looking for something until they end up pregnant or with an abuser.
Why is it 8? If it was 8 relationships that you enjoyed and happened on your terms, then it is fine, if you keep falling for guys who dump you the moment you have sex with them, then... well, it is still your life.
Just be prepared that a lot of men your age do NOT have that kind of experience and are not looking for a girl with that kind of experience. You can make your life choice, but the guy you end up falling in love with, has the same right, and it might be a choice not to be with a woman who changes man every season.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (30 October 2009):
 "Yos: if the man is childish enough to be bothered by the number of your previous sex partners, I dont see the use in having him around."
I'm sorry but it's frequently nothing to do with being childish. Until you've encountered this problem and seen how irrational it can be you're not empathising.
I know many men who are otherwise well adjusted, loving, intelligent, gentle and confident men who have been crippled by this.
It's often not a case of deciding to have these feelings. Nor is it a case of judgement. It's a case of unwanted feelings that you just can't shake that can take over your perception of someone and cause horrible pain to the man involved. Most men with this would do anything not to feel these things, know the feelings are wrong, but are unable to get out of the trap.
The appropriate response is usually sympathy, understanding and trust. Not a reaction like yours, I'm afraid to say.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): Yos: if the man is childish enough to be bothered by the number of your previous sex partners, I dont see the use in having him around. If he loves you he needs to accept all of you. And we're not in the middle ages here! Why should women sneak around with how many partners they have had? And is it really so that the number of partner a guy has had is of no concern for a woman? Should SHE be happy she might be number 20 down the road?
Fact is that is her body to do with as she pleases, not her exes, not her current boyfriend, only hers. If the man can't handle that I say too bad for him, and go be with someone who knows what matters: that you are healthy, take care of yourself, have plenty of love to give and will be loyal. Just to mention some of more important matters...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thanks i will not tell next time and thanks for letting me know that im dumb at relationship stuff.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): i do not think so. and as others have said before me your previous partners are not the cause of a loose vagina. and your boyfriend should not feel that way about you. your past is your past. where it should be left.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (30 October 2009):
Quiet-echo is onto something. You can probably expect your boyfriend to puzzle over this for a few days and then start asking increasingly personal questions about your former lovers. Some tips:
- Don't provide ANY details about past sexual experiences. If pushed say 'well they weren't very good, but I don't want to talk about it I don't think it's appropriate'
- In future (with other guys) never give your 'number'. Just say 'a few' and be vague. Avoid even 'roughly between x and y stuff'
- As quiet-echo says, never lie about it. Just don't give details.
- Men will be much more upset about casual sex than relationships (which is usually the opposite for women). So i recommend implying that you were having sex in relationships rather than in random / one night stand type situations. That can be a 'dumping offence' right there.
- Don't ever admit to a threesome or something more extreme like anal sex unless you're willing to have it with him shortly after. (Really don't recommend threesomes btw). And if you do, make sure you tell him it was better with him than anyone else.
It's not intuitive for women to understand men in this area, but many many guys can get hung up on your past sex life and it can quickly make any relationship terrible. The simple solution is avoid all details and information, let them think you had a 'normal' sexual history and leave it at that.
FYI I insist now on knowing nothing. I have learned the hard way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): Quiet-echo you are so right. This place seems to be flooding over by teens who dont know if they are pregnant or not and men who are insecure about their gf's past.
I honestly never knew men had this issue before I came on here. But in support of the poster, Im 23 and Ive had about 12-15 partners. And no, I can't remember the exact number. But it doesn't matter, my body is mine to do with as I please, and sex pleases me. When I don't date anyone steady I get myself one night stands or a lover, and so the number of partners go up. I don't find a high sexual drive anything to be ashamed of. I have a boyfriend now who's been with just about as many girls in the past, and we're completely okay with each others past.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (30 October 2009):
I agree, NEVER disclose this... you can't win at this numbers game... go to your grave with the real number. If guys ask there are some snappy answers you could come up with, but all he needs to know is that "as of tonight I'm willing to add one to the list, and never add to it again..."As for the BF's logic flaw reguarding 8 partners = loose vigina. 8 partners in 3 years could mean that you've had sex 8 times, or 468 times if you're doing it on average 3 times a week- real numbers is going to be in between.Any guy that would make a comment about the tightness of a woman and the number of partners should never see that vagina again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell only 2 was casual.the others except the boyfriend before this one and my first boyfriend was cause they told me they loved me and i didnt love them but i loved the idea that someone would love me again. i had alot of heart break that year. my mom was not around to tell me that guys say that to sleep with u so i had to figure it out on my own.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): Everyone has their own opinion.
The other day my friend was pleased and telling me how his 21yo girlfriend had "only" been with 14 other guys previously. (WTF?!?)
I think 8 is too many if I was thinking of dating you. Not because of the number itself. But because you're not old enough to have had anywhere near 8 real adult relationships, so you must have been screwing at least some of those guys casually. That's not how I roll.
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (30 October 2009):
Okay, it's laughable that your boyfriend would think that you would be "loose" from having sex with 8 people. Let me just give you some advice, don't discuss how many people you've had sex with with future boyfriends. As for your question, I don't know if there's such thing as "too many" for a particular age group, but I would say that you're above average. Just be safe :)
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