A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some advise, please be honest and tell me what you think and what you would do in this situation. I recently found out my fiancé of almost 6 years had been with 6 guys before me( she was my first- she's 3 years older than me I was 22 when we met and her 25 - she lost hers at age 18) this came up in a conversation that I wish now never did as I'm having a hard time dealing with this information. She even gave me the timeline and story's behind each one ( first one- didn't care about her and left that was 2months- 2nd used her for money and cheated on her she left 2 1/2 years- 3rd like the second used her she helped find him a job with her work and got him on his feet he then was too good for her and left that one was3 momonths-4th was a one night stand she said she was really drunk and wishes that never happened he apparently cheated on his gf with her 5th was a old friend from high school that she cared for was kinda long distance he said he was moving back in state stayed about 2 months then went back outa state to where he lived before she said she then relized he used her for sex that was another one she wishes didn't happen -6th was all about money and himself and again true colorsshowed and that one she left for me. within all that she was raped by her step dad and said that cause of that she stayed out all the time hung out with friends she thought were her friends and in some way found some of those relationships because of her step dad and to stay away from him. I'm not sure how to feel? Is this ok? Or should I consider leaving? This really bothers me. She did say I was the best she ever had in every part of a relationship but still it bothers me for some reason? Part of it is within myself for not really living or having fun when I was younger I believe? I don't know? Am I overreacting or are my feelings right about this? Please help thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone for the comments and opinions. I do feel a lot of the issue is within myself and wishing my own past was a more normal one and yes that's my own thing I have to accept. The issues I felt involved my fiancé regarding the past I decided to a ask her to talk about with me . I decided if I could ask her directly some questions for my own piece of mind and put this behind me once and for all then we would be ok and if she couldn't then we would most likely separate. Probably to most of everyone's surprise she didn't mind to talk and agreed we both needed bury this once and for all. It was because of her broken home life and the fact she felt like she had to leave home at 18 and was forced to rely on friends who she didn't want to to escape home. She wished thing were different with her family and was able to stay at home and be able to focus on school and a career. If that would of happened things would have been different relationship wise and wouldn't of felt like she needed to find someone to stay with. Hearing straight from her that she wishes she found me back then in her late teens and that though the time frames she spent with the others compared to me that her feelings for me were and are the strongest she's ever felt with anyone means a lot to me. There are more details but too much to write, but that information also mean a lot to hear. So instead of viewing it as 6 people I see it as a bad past she couldn't change that lead her to me. And that I can live with and let go. Even though our story's are different we connected on the fact we both had pasts we wish we could change. So even if you don't agree with how I handled or went about it she understood and agreed with me to have that conversation to answer my questions and tell me the truth because she felt it wouldn't of been fair to me to lie about the details just to make me feel better. Rather that if she told me the truth that however I took it and decided to do that she owed it to me to be honest about the past and us. And did it make things better within myself to hear that? Yes it did. The only regret I have now is not having known her back then to save her from her stepdad and broken past. Because if I could I would. That's how much she means to me. Thank you all for your comments.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): I don't think 6 is a high number of sexual partners.
I also do not think 30 is a high number, either.
As long as it is all consensual/safe, there shouldn't be an issue.
Everyone should be able to express themselves sexually, with whomever they desire.
I personally, cannot think of settling down until I have experienced everything (sexually, and not) otherwise it will always be in the back on my mind.
You're a prude if you sleep with 5 people, you're a whore if you sleep with 15. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
That's why I keep my number (17) to myself.
Whose business is it anyway, really?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): My point was never to attack you, but to make you realize the fact honesty was presented to you. You immediately moved to judgement.So many people seek to deceive and create false images of themselves. She felt no need to be ashamed in revealing the truth about herself to the man who is the father of her children. Considering you didn't bother to find out more about her before you were physically intimate with her.You feel you were attacked?How do you think she would feel if she read your post?Your reaction was to seek opinion on whether the number of people she slept with is too many. Your motive was to get a consensus to backup your own prejudice and self-righteous presumption that the woman might be promiscuous. Not by a long shot.I was straight up with you. I call it like it is.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 November 2013):
 It does not make you weird , but maybe makes you narrow minded and with a limited ( or,in fact skewed ) perspective .
You don't need to have any particular lifestyle to reclaim the free, conscious exercise of your sexuality and affectivity. Meaning, a young person may never drink, smoke, do drugs etc. and still be ready and willing to connect with someone at a sexual level. Whether this young person is a partygoer or a solitary bookworm.
It's also perfectly OK if they don't want to have sex , for religious reasons or because they want to wait for " the one " or any other reasons. They don't HAVE to have sex if they chose not to. But their choices are not binding for the rest of the population. Other people are not obliged to share those reasons or choices and there's nothing wrong with that, as long as people are sexually responsible and practice safe sex.
In other words, if you, for reason of yours ,did not have sex till 22, fine, but do not demand or expect that all the world does like you, nor be surprised if they don't. Don't be quick to label as wrong or promiscuous or immoral those who had more sexual experiences than you- they just behaved DIFFERENTLY than you, not worse.
If instead it's simply a matter of stats, if you want to know about normality in sense of average, commonly seen social behaviour,- just to strictly stick to the title question,
no, 6 sexal partners, in the 7 years between 18 and 25 is not a lot. It's less than one a year.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 November 2013):
 She's 31 and lost her virginity at 18. 6 partners in the span of 13 years. That averages out to 1 partner per two years. That can hardly be described as using sex to numb herself. 1 in 4 women get sexually assaulted in her life time. You probably have heard that it takes a lot of frogs before you find the prince. Not every woman is going to do that formula such as wait 6 months, then see if the guy is worth it, then get married.
It is a lot of information in that she'd never had a relationship blossom into anything more and she keeps on running into bad guys. The reality is that this is probably what a lot of woman go through and you as a first hand listener had turned her life into a major tragedy. She's had experience with men but not with men with no experience. I would not say it is weird to be a virgin at 22 but not having any relationships also mean that you were living in Pleasantville and find it shocking that men and women use each other for sex and money, sometimes both together. It makes you wonder if true love exists. There comes a learning curve in every relationship. Women who had experienced both bad guys and nice guys know that it is not wise to reveal their past in detail. You can still develop trust in your daily lives together, without implanting horror movie pictures into your partners' mind. You also wonder if it wasn't you, she would have continued her trail to be used by other men. So it wasn't like she had sex with guys no. 1, 2, 3, 4 and so on in order to find you. It was rather like if there was no you, there would have been 7, 8, 9, 10. You feel like you are just another number, only that the kids are stopping you from leaving.
If you believe true love exists then let your fire of love burn all those doubts in your mind. You can't help your feelings. You didn't even say she was a loose slut. You just wonder how your mismatched lives blend in together and you have legitimate worries. One of those worries is how she connects through physical intimacy since she was used to do it without making sure that the relationship is serious first. What matters most is your love life today. If she has no PTSD from past rape and is functioning well as a mother and partner, then it is not your business to ask her to seek counseling.
At the end you may find out that despite all efforts you two are different people. If you force yourself to stay then you are loving the institution of marriage more than yourself. I don't know about laws in your state regarding marriage or common laws. I don't know what the difference is marrying now, divorce later, or just back out right now. The only thing you can do now is not have a 3rd baby. I know a guy who's had 5 babies and having retroactive jealousy. He really is screwed because divorcing means being worse off.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 November 2013):
 I don't think you're weird to have waited with sex until you were 22, but I think what people feel defensive about it that you come off as angry at your girlfriend for NOT having led the same life style as you.
It's not her fault either that you grew up the way you did, and you can't take it out on her and be upset at her for having led a life you were denied.
So, I think you need to sort out what you actually feel first. One, are you jealous that she had a different life than you and a different upbringing? I get that, I grew up poor, and my boyfriends were always from richer families than me. They'd get super expensive things for Christmas and multiple presents and a free car and whatnot. While I would get a poorly knitted scarf. Or a DVD. It sucks, and while it's not fair to take it out on my boyfriends of course I feel bad about it. It's not fun. Experiencing that there is a difference between you and your partner, no matter what that difference is, can really suck. When we're in a relationship with someone it is so essential that we're on the same page on things. It's like teenagers who have this insane need to look exactly like one another, wear the same clothes, have the same hairstyle etc.
You've seen teenagers, right? They look exactly the same. And people in a relationship sort of have that same syndrome, a need to be as much alike as possible. Having different upbringings, having different sexual pasts, having different you name it.. All those things can appear to be a disturbance in the relationship, and may come off as an obstacle.
If that is the case, then rest assured it doesn't have anything to do with her number of partners. If this is the case, then you'd not react to it at all if you also had the same sexual history. And, if something else was different then you'd be on here asking us advice about that instead. I've come on here asking advice about differences in monetary status several times, asking how to deal with my boyfriends parents buying him plane tickets, giving him money, giving him a car and paying for the insurance and reparations etc. It seriously bugs me just as much as this bugs you. When it's really bad, and I'm not in a good mood, I think things about him that don't sound that great either (just like what you say about her in this post doesn't come off as too great).
But, the alternative is that you are jealous, not of her having this past, but of the men she had sex with. That you wish you were them. Or that you wish she was a virgin when you met, and/or that she is a whore in your eyes who slept with other men than you.
If that is the case, then the problem lies within you, and there is actually little to be done about it other than therapy or breaking up.
A third alternative actually exists. That you and her don't have such a great relationship, and you aren't happy. If that is the case, then knowing about her sexual history could be a random thing that has started to symbolize all things wrong in your relationship. Like, the last drop that made the bucket flood over.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): If it bothers you then you SHOULD leave before you marry her and it would be too late. Please leave her now and try finding someone who matches your standard although it may be difficult.Also I find offensive how one of the answerers said you are weird for being a virgin at 22 that is absolutely offensive so do not feel down. She was your first, you have experience, now look for someone who matches your standard.Also the reason why you are jealous is bot because she was your first. i know even promiscuous guys get jealous when their girlfriend slept with only one or two guys before them.Leave now, you CANNOT stay in this relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do feel that she told me too much information at least about how many and the stories behind them. At the same time I am glad she did because that was open and honest. To me that built more trust between us. But I feel as some of you are on the attack against me. I don't feel as I did anything wrong? I asked a question not even to her but on here for a opinion? Yes this is something within myself and just wanted to hear some outside views. Its nice to hear at the same time I'm labeled as weird for being a virgin at 22... I explained my past on here I didn't have a lifestyle most kids have. Is it my fault? I guess but not by choice. So by not having sex a few years sooner right at 16 or 18 makes me weird??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): After 6 years together, do not make a big deal out of something that has not affected your relationship up to now. You have lived with her and got to know every single thing about her personality, character and habits. You love the package. Do not ruin a good relationship by focusing on who she hung out with before she met you. In the bigger picture, So what if she had 6 partners? You knew she was not a virgin when you started going out so she did not deceive you in anyway. She loves you, she chose to be with you, she has never cheated on you. She shows you with words and actions that she loves you. What more do you need? After 6 years I seriously think you should let this go. If you do leave her because of this, would it be fair for your next girlfriend to dump you the minute she finds out that you've had sex before?Seriously, let this go.Do not judge her, not even in secret. You will ruin a good thing for a stupid reason that has no bearing on your actual day to day lives.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (10 November 2013):
I think you know too much, thats all. She was dumb to tell you, but at least you know she trusts you a whole lot to tell you all of this. But no one likes to hear all about their partners past. Itd be just as bad if you told her all the women you have masturbated to. It is good she told you about the rape. That is a personal thing that a beloved and trusted boyfriend can help her deal with. Why you add him into the sexual history though is hard to understand. That was rape, not sex.You just know way too much, no one wants to know these things about their partners previous sex life. She hasnt had many partners at all, but you have too much information.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): You think 6 is a lot because you had no one before her. that is weird to me, how a guy is a virgin at 22.
Trust me on this , 6 is not a lot. Unless you marry someone at 17, women these days have way more than 6. Many have one night stands all the time until they meet that special one. It's not only men thing now. I dated a lot before I met my husband, and slept with half of them. If I start counting it will may be around 30. Your girlfriend at least had boyfriends, I really didn't have boyfriends, they were just all flings, one month here, couple weeks there.
And why you also think abut it now, 2 kids, all these years together. May be you want go out there and explore, may be this is whatbitbis about. Also punctuation would help me to read your post lol.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd to the one(s) that I think or act " old school or backwards" I had a different life then most average kids or teens. I was raised or brought to race motocross ( if anyone knows that lifestyle or sport ? If not look it up) I was to be a"pro" or was being raised to try and be one so from the time I was 8 years old I had to go to all the races and practice every weekend there wasn't a race. I was pulled out of public highschool to dedicate more time to racing. Was it right? I didn't think so but wasn't given much choice. My dad pushed and pushed me to be the best in hopes I'd make the cut but like a lot of things in life it didn't work out that way. Great in the local level but never made it pro so finally at the age of almost 20 the dream died and had to try to start to live a " normal" life while working full time. So I never had a normal life that most teens and young adults have. Then I met my fiancé at the age of 22 . it was through work we met ( she started after me as receptionist) if anyone wondered why I started later in life to date. Wasn't because I was"old school" thanks again for the responses most of them shed some light on the situation that I didn't think about
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to most of the response's, I didn't think I was a bad guy as some have made me out to be for just wondering to myself about this. I do feel that her being raped had a lot to do with it as someone had posted thank you for you take on that I say that because my mother had told me years ago that she had been raped by one of her friends uncle and also felt the same way oh and by the way she told me that a week or two after we started dating what happened to her and I told her then that was not an issue for me and it never will be ( as apposed to some other people who did have issues with that when she told them) with that being said she never saw anybody for consoling and I wonder if that might help her out but what would be a good way to ask her if she wants to talk to someone professionally about that? I do love her. My love for her has grown more over the years and I think that's why it kinda bothered me.. If I didn't love her or cared about her do you honestly think it would bug me? No. How many people worry about something that they don't care about?I personally don't think twice about anything that I don't give a shit about. She understands me more than anyone else and has became my best friend as well and vise versa.She told me shortly after we started dating that she wished that she had met me years sooner and said I was the best thing that ever came into her life .I thought she was just being nice to me and never thought much about it but maybe that was a way of trying to tell me?
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (10 November 2013):
 You cannot start to complain now. You have two kids with her. If you wanted to leave you should've done it before then or been more careful by taking measures to ensure that pregnancy won't occur. Unless you wanna be just another guy that has walked out of her life and having to be number 7 that just used her and left, i suggest you accept this as the past and move on. I mean; she is your fiancé (because you obviously proposed) and now you're deciding whether this is a deal breaker or not? Are you kidding me? If you leave her then things WILL NOT end well. You're already sooooo deep in so leaving now will be disastrous not to mention there are innocent children involved.I'm just saying maybe you should've decided "no, this is definitely a deal breaker for me" much earlier on, before the kids or the proposal. Either accept it as the past or put this girl through hell for something she actually opened up to you about which took alot to do.
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (10 November 2013):
Six?! That's not a lot. The fact that you guys even went over who she slept with and the "story" behind each is seriously weird.
The amount of people she's had sex with doesn't define who she is. It's not grounds for dumping someone unless if maybe it was an outrageous amount of people or she used to be a prostitute.
You're overreacting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): It doesn't matter that you didn't confront her to her face.Will you treat her differently based on what you know?It's what's going on in your head that truly matters. We have experiences in our lives; and we don't always make the best judgments. She has her regrets, but she came clean about who she really is. That is brave and the most honest thing I've ever heard. Most of us would hide it to escape judgement.What is the implication behind this comment?"Did I get the chance to really leave? No. If you ask why? I got her pregnant a couple months after we started dating and I'm not the type to run so I stayed. We now have two children together ."Surely you've heard of condoms. Take good care of your kids. That's only thing that matters anyway.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 November 2013):
 So you have 2 kids together and you wonder about her past NOW? Sorry, buddy if that bothers you, you should have thought about it BEFORE knocking her up and playing house.
Not trying to be mean or anything, but It's a DAY late and dollar short to be having doubts about her past.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've never judged her face to face this is something that I have just wondered to myself and I do feel bad for her for past even as a kid she didn't ever have a good home life. Did I get the chance to really leave? No. If you ask why? I got her pregnant a couple months after we started dating and I'm not the type to run so I stayed. We now have two children together .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2013): Totally overreacting, 6 is hardly anything! Aside from the fact this is probably on the low end out of all of my female friends, you should know that I was also raped and in the time between then and when I got help I slept with 10 guys. I'm not proud of it, but I guess in some way I thought if I gave men sex then they couldn't take it from me without my permission again. This is the real issue and if she's not had some sort of counselling then she needs to get some ASAP.
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female
reader, misssunshine  +, writes (9 November 2013):
 LOL six is good number my boy trust me !!!
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 November 2013):
6 is probably on the low end. FYI don't even bother asking that question, the other person will lie as often as not, and what good is the info anyways? Get an STD test either way.
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female
reader, Paula4u  +, writes (9 November 2013):
 Six is just a figure , I dont feel its much. Why worry about the past, isnot the future more important.
What do you want perfection? No one is.
More important make up your mind what true love is and follow your heart.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 November 2013):
I don't think 6 is a crazy high number, but only issue is (and I don't UNDERSTAND why you don't see that) whether or not she got help concerning the stepdad raping her.
I wouldn't be surprised that she used sex to numb herself from the rape, because she didn't think she was WORTHY of a decent fella.
If you think you can ONLY be happy with someone with as little or less experience then you, then she isn't for you.
Having sex with MULTIPLE people doesn't mean you "live your life" more. It just means you had more sex.
I think you are TOTALLY focusing on the wrong aspect of this.
She could have lied and told you 2. She was open and honest about her past. And what do you do? YOU JUDGE.
Personally I slept with 3 guys til I met my husband at 27 - so from 18 to 27 the number was 3, now it's 4 at 44. I think your generation have a VERY different view of sex then mine, and my parents were different still and so forth. But 6 doesn't seen crazy high.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2013): She trusted you and opened up every detail of her past. Now you know all her secrets and you want to judge her?Stop and think! She wants you to know things that you will not have to find out through other sources. She is no angel, and she shouldn't be judged by her past; but by who she is now. You had an honest and adult conversation with the woman you want to marry. Exactly who did you fall in-love with? Who she is, or who you perceived her to be? She stepped down off your pedestal. Now accept the truth and the real person that she is. Your lack of experience is not her fault. Dude, I'd expect some old-school backward-thinking old coot to ask such a question. Not someone your age.Perhaps you may want to postpone or cancel the engagement until you grow up. Perhaps she was under the impression she was engaged to a grown man able to handle adult-life.Who's to judge how many is too many? You're the one who asked her to marry you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2013): Hahah no six isn't a lot at all. Most people have done about six by the time they are twenty three , well at least in england. You are overreacting.
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