A
male
age
,
*nother Bob
writes:Dear Cupid - I don't really think you exist, but I'll write you anyway. I met a pretty red-headed girl at a football game during my senior year of high school and fell head over heals for her. The buddy who had arranged for me to... double date... with a friend of hers was not real happy that I had pulled the switch-a-roo and I don't think we spoke to each other much after that. Don't really know what ever happened to him... But, I digress. That was 35 years, two children and five addresses ago and I'm still with that red-head.But here's the story behind the story: I began feeling a disconnect with my wife in the first few years of marriage, but thinking this was probably normal, I figured it would work itself out over time. As we grew our family, I became distracted with raising kids, building a career, traveling and trying to survive financially and I was looking past some glaring problems in our relationship. Like compatibility.So as the kids became self-sufficient and I became a bit more financially secure, it was time to get to know this woman that had been living with me for the last few decades.Well (as my kids used to say), OMG! Two things became very clear over the last few years: (1) We had virtually no common interests (and therefore nothing to talk about) and (2) I was slipping further and further into depression because if it.I've seen a therapist, aired it out with him, but that led nowhere. He wants me to drag her to couples counseling, but I won't do it unless she initiates it. She won't. I'm hiding nothing from her, but I cannot shake the feeling that she is hiding something from me. Through the years, I've shared my innermost secrets with her but I've never gotten the same from her. I honestly do not know this woman! The cycle of anger and forgiveness is worn thin and now the anger is not receding. I do want to hurt her and I do really think she desperately fears my leaving, but 30 years is enough. What do you think Cupid? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Another Bob +, writes (8 April 2009):
Another Bob is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had such a good response to you all and just learned that you had better not stray from this page until the post is posted! The Cliff Notes version:My wife and grew together in two totally different directions. Yes, there may once have been passion, but it has been a very long time since I've felt passion (I miss it!). While my wife has remained realtively isolated, sitting brainwashed in front of the boob-tube, I have sought the higher meanings in life through education, certain friendships and with untold hours of contemplation. I'd like to think knowledge is power. I march to only one drummer and make decisions based on personal desires and needs. I rely heavily on my intuition and don't accept anything on face value. I take great pride in skills and knowledge and enjoy mentoring and sharing this knowledge. I just have a longing to be with someone who values AND shares in these ideals. No couples councelor can do that. Thanks for you inputs, I need them.
A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (8 April 2009):
 It is VERY typical to feel the way you feel - like strangers. You have, in 30 years, accomplished a lot together, and it was you and she against the world. You both had a common enemy to keep you energized, and a common goal.
You need that again: Shake things up, move to a new location together, try a new sport together... Couples counselling makes money when there is discord - real or imagined, so it's likely that it won't help.
Our society looks at us funny when we stay in a long relationship - citing evidence that people aren't naturally inclined that way and that a new partner will give you back your zest for life.
HORSE SHIT!
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A
male
reader, NightLad  +, writes (8 April 2009):
 I’m not Cupid, but I’ll tell you my impressions. Take them as you will:I think couples counseling is a good idea. There are things you can say with a qualified mediator that you can’t always get out the ‘right way’ one-on-one. (Like expressing how you think she is hiding things from you, and does not confide in you like you do with her.) If you are concerned enough about the situation that you ask strangers on the internet for advice, than I think you at least owe the mother of your children (if nothing else) the effort to visit your therapist another couple of times together.I can understand how you may feel emotionally drained and it may be hard to muster up the energy to go through with it, but honestly; what do you have to lose? This may just be what your relationship needs to rejuvenate itself and break through the emotional barrier you are sensing.At the very least it will provide you with a safe and healthy channel for the anger you are feeling. I don’t doubt that your wife can detect it, at least on some level. If your relationship is already strained than it isn’t helping. Allowing the anger to fester like this is going to put more stress and strain on you, the relationship, and your wife; eventually something will have to give.An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, my friend. I hope this helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): I can't even imagine being with a chick for 30 years..but best believe if it happened, she would have me for life. I find it hard to understand how you were with her that long and don't feel like you know her. As to having nothing in common, why don't you try to reignite your passions, thats obviously what got you together in the first place Remember, my learned friend, opposites tend to attract..And you do have something in common anyways. 30 years, and a marriage..and kids... thats ALOT in common...I would suggest you try to reignite the flame that got you together in the first place, before you make a choice you may regret.
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