A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I want some advice, mainly from the women out there. I would like to know what you all think is an acceptable number of sexual partners for a man in his late 20's to have been with. My boyfriend is fantastic but I can't seem to get past the fact that he's slept with around 110 women! Usually, I would say a man was lying if he said this but I know this is true, if anything, he would say less than it really was, as he knows it upsets me.It is getting to me now and it is ruining our sex life. I can't seem to get comfortable with him. How can he respect sex or make love to me the way he should when he has had sex with so many women and clearly thinks it means nothing?! I think sex is a very special thing and want him to feel the same but I don't think he does. I know he loves me, he worships the ground I walk on and I think he only slept with all them women because he's insecure and his mates did. I know it's pathetic, but that's guys for you!! Lol. How can I get past this? Do you think 110 is too many? Do you honestly think that someone who has disrespected sex in this way can ever really make love? Thanks.
View related questions:
insecure, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice, I know I must find the real reason this bothers me and move past it. That's why I started seeing a counsellor a couple of months ago. In relation to the comments about STD's, he already has an STD he knows about, genital herpes. Since then, he's always used protection and would never put me at risk. Thanks again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006): Excellent answer from Yos! I need not add to his answer as I totally concur with him. Indeed, everyone is different and only you can decide if you can accept your bf's past. By reading your posting, it sounds like he does truely love, respect and honor who you are...so I recommend you try to work together in continuing to be happy and put the past where it belongs...in the past! Good luck, dear
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (6 July 2006):
 "How can I get past this?"
For each of us there is a different answer. You need to find out why it bothers you. And I mean 'really' why it bothers you, not some superficial argument or moral statement. I was in your situation, it took me seeing a therapist to figure out why it bothered me (and I'm still trying to figure out how to get past it).
"Do you think 110 is too many?"
Frankly, yes. Way way too many. I personally believe that this cheapens sex, and turns it into just 'scrating an itch', or 'meeting a need'. But this is just my opinion, I do not have the right to force someone else to have the same opinion.
"Do you honestly think that someone who has disrespected sex in this way can ever really make love?"
This is the million dollar question. For some people yes, for others, no.
A friend of mine has slept with over 150 people (he is 36). He is stuck in a terrible pattern of casual sex and an inability to be intimate. It's really sad. So he probably can't 'really make love', if you define making love as a true emotional connection whilst having sex. I do not envy the notches on his bed post.
On the other hand, I know people (my girlfriend being one) who have changed from their past behaviours, and have found a way to change their attitude and approach to sex. From something that is about self-gratification, ego massage or just pure attention seeking (through insecurity and low self esteem), to what it 'should' be... namely a special, intimate and spiritual connection between two people committed to and in love with each other.
Everyone is different. Only you and your boyfriend know if he has changed his ways
...............................
A
female
reader, Bagachips +, writes (6 July 2006):
Be tough... you can get over it. You should probably evaluate your past and how many you have done, if any. Maybe you can talk about your number with him, instead of just talking about his number. Fight fire with fire, you have your history so why not talk about it?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006): As long as you are the only one who is sleeping with him now, that's all that matters. There is no way to "disrespect" sex, because it's a normal human function. Some people connect love with it, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's that way for everyone. I would probably feel uncomfortable, too, but you know what? He is there for *you* now and the present is all that matters. Live for now and focus on your future together because that's what really matters (for the BOTH of you). There's no sense in dwelling on something that just upsets you and that he cannot change. (Also, if the both of you haven't already done so, you should get a full check up to make sure you have no stds since he's had so many partners.)
...............................
A
female
reader, bonym +, writes (6 July 2006):
 My friend, I dont think there is a definative number of sexual partners that is acceptable for a man, but the question I tend to ask is "why does someone see the need to sleep with so many people?" I mean think of it like this, people who sleep with so many people are obviously lacking in self respect, they feel that by bedding so many people it adds to their credentials but to me it doesnt. 110 is a ridiculously large number of women to have slept with if as you say he is in his twenties but he may not even be telling you the truth.
I fully agree with Dr Pete as well, you shouldnt lable all guys because not all act the fool like some men do.
I would be more bothered about STI's etc because if he has casually slpet around, God only knows what nasty diseases he may have. xXx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006): Well I think he could be exggerating, then again it is possible. Men look at sex as just sex especially younger men.It takes something special for them to connect with a woman to love and respect her.Whereas us ladies are far more emotional about the act.I suppose you could look at it in another way, that he has had lots of experience and maybe is ready for a committed relationship. He has played the field so to speak, so knows what it's like. You could be in a relationship with a guy who's only slept with say six girls and would always be wondering what it would be like with other partners. Is the grass greener on the other side? So try and forget about his past and concentrate on building a relationship with him based on trust and love. I'm sure that would be something special for the both of you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006): First, if you look back at some older questions on this website, I think you'd be surprised to find most questions of this nature actually come from men, not women - so please don't label guys as being pathetic, ok? :)
You two clearly have had very different views towards sex and nothing either of you do is going to change the past.
If he has slept with over 100 people perhaps you can justify it by saying he was insecure, and didn't respect women. Or perhaps he just wanted to have sex with women he found attractive, perhaps there was nothing more to it? You seem to be applying your principles to his behaviour - and that is where you are going wrong.
Like you have already alluded to, people have different views and importance about sex and intimacy. Perhaps your boyfriend was not ready for a commited relationship before he met you, or perhaps you are the first girl he has truely loved?
You seem quite bitter and resentful about his past, and personally speaking [who has been in your position before] you need to come to terms with his past, and accept that he has not valued sex as a "special thing" as you have. If you can't get over this, and soon, your relationship will eventually fall apart.
...............................
|
