A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I never thought I'd be in a bad marriage, but I am! After only 4years! Last month I found messages from my husband to other women telling them he loved them. Naturally I left him and after a few days came back to him to talk it through and for our daughters sake.Since then he has lost his job over this and I'm also pregnant. He accepts that this is all his fault and says that he wants to change- but there are days that go by without us talking, and when we finally do I'm ready to burst by that stage! He doesn't know why he did it and says he liked the attention the other women gave him and says he was not looking for an affair or to end our marriage. However this has changed our (What I thought) happy marriage forever. I can't get past all the pain and the hurt he has caused and how he has damaged our family. To say that I am angry is an understatement and I am consumed by this betrayal. Things have calmed down somewhat now but I still get very angry at how little things seemed to have changed. He still shuts me out and doesn't communicate with me and this causes tension and arguments all over again. Despite him saying that there will be changes- in fact I don't feel that things have changed apart from now being pregnant and feeling trapped! We have tried marriage councellors and he is on antidepressants but nothing is changing fastPlease tell me there is a future past all this and if there is anything more we can do? Thanks in advance!
View related questions:
affair, lost his job, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2015): Such a shock for someone in your delicate condition; when you're dealing with one of the most hormonal episodes women can ever go through. Pregnancy! You're already on an emotional roller-coaster, so this news is pretty sobering.
My sympathies go out to you. I'm even more sorry you had to discover this bad news; all the while believing all was well in your marriage.
One thing I just don't buy with men who cheat. It's odd how well they can communicate and get their feelings across to the wrong person. When they have a partner at home craving the very things they're offering some outsider. Yet they shut-down and shut-out the person they've committed to.
Hiding behind pills and blaming depression is just a cope-out.
There is no reasoning for cheating. Just excuses. Get some grief counseling for you and your daughter. You need calming and reassurance through all this. It is a loss, and the possible death of a marriage. You need someone to bare your soul to, and he's not listening at the moment.
Counseling doesn't always have to include him. You need to vent your feelings, and get the anger out. Search online for charity organizations that offer family counseling; especially grief counseling. The sense of loss is a devastating and paralyzing blow to the emotions. Learning to live with it is the hard part. Counseling in that area helps. You need consoling and advice on how to protect yourself from depression. Be sure that you get your prenatal care and listen to your obstetrician!
A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (11 November 2015):
 Regrettably, not much will change for a some time so be prepared for swings in mood, anger, regret, mixed emotions... It is not easy and given that you are pregnant it's tough to leave him.
However, keep in mind that what you are going through is a process and even though it is stomach-churning, it is a process through which, ultimately, you have to decide whether what he did merits a divorce or does it deserve forgiveness.
Now, I cannot decide for you which one is the correct action, but whichever you decide - forgive or divorce - then that is the correct action for you.
From your description, your man did not have physical sex with these women so that classifies his actions as "emotional cheating". Some people find that the lack of physical cheating a sufficient grounds to accept that, after all, it is possible to mend the fence. Others, however, find that impossible.
You have to decide whether his emotional cheating is something that you can get over and that you can forgive. Forgiveness can come at some later point, but on your end, think through what that forgiveness criteria requires, tell him in blunt terms, then evaluate. Once you forgive, you should let it go completely, never to bring it back up.
However, if this is something that you cannot do, then it is pointless to think it through in which case you know which way to go.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 November 2015):
 You can always "sit tight" for a while and see how things go.
You can, also, force you and hubby to make decisions immediately..... but those decisions have the added complication of having been made under the duress that the two of you are now experiencing.....
IF you would like your marriage to survive this betrayal.... then say little.... let hubby learn his lesson... and see if it (the marriage) is repairable...
It's never easy for you ladies when we guys go through our "change" and act like JERKS.... but it IS possible for the two of you to recover things....
Good luck..
...............................
|
