A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I've been with my bf for 5 years, and he has a problem with porn. Ever since the beginning of our relationship I was somewhat aware of him using it, nbd really. I didn't know it was so often (and still don't know truthfully because I'm not with him all the time). All I know is it's a lot, and our sex life has suffered from it. He seems disinterested most of the time. I don't initiate much because I'm tired of being rejected. We are best friends and I am very happy in our relationship, aside from this glaring issue. He rarely wants sex, and even refuses to shower with me. I feel like he doesn't want to see me naked.I've been trying to get into porn for his sake mostly. I've even found some that I watch on my own, which is great but I would never choose it over sex with him! Also, I feel weird looking at anything with other men for several reasons, so I look at porn with women only. I don't know if this is strange.My main concern now is that I feel that he is utterly not attracted to me anymore. I've always been overweight, I've currently lost a good amount by eating healthfully and being active but I am still chubby. I recently saw (it popped up as a bookmark on the computer we share) a sight specifically for small, thin girls. I've seen the stuff he selects in the past and it is all very petite women. He always told me that he looks at porn solely for the act that's happening, it's part of the fantasy, but recently he had a file on the computer with TONS of pictures of just naked women, all quite thin. I know everyone is entitled to a preference, and it's not entirely that the porn is the problem in and of itself, but I feel that I'm being rejected because I am not to his aesthetic preference. I've talked to him and asked if this was the case and he doesn't give me a clear answer, just "I love you and you're beautiful", which is lovely to hear, but doesn't quell my concerns. Any advice? Sorry for rambling.
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male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (14 November 2015):
 It is always worth remembering that sex is only a part of the equation. A relationship relies less and less on it as years go by. Don't get me wrong. Couples in later life may still enjoy it, but it isn't the sex that has kept them together over the years.
The part which I'm uncertain whether I mistook or not is whether you think he can't do without it to the expense of your own love life, or whether it fits with your relationship?
Again I use the analogy of drink or gambling. Is it a compulsion for him or is it a side issue? A previous aunt said most men have dipped into some porn at some time or other, and that's true. What it should not do is replace you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all! It's nice to have some input on this matter. Yes, he has been my only serious partner in my adult life, and it's mostly been great. I have tried watching some porn with him, stuff that I'm pretty comfortable with, but he seems really nervous the whole time, and the subsequent sex is kind of awkward. My best find has been erotic literature, which is really great, but he still always drifts back and we slump again. At least I feel like it's a slump, he seems to think it's fine.
I guess I'm just tired of being the one trying to make our sex life worth while, like it's my responsibility to keep him interested all the time. I talked to him, and as always he promises that he is working on it, but I just don't know. I think we need to see a counselor.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (12 November 2015):
I'm not going to be as hard on the porn thing as the other aunts. Seriously, just about every guy is watching porn, especially as it is free all over the internet. If you're looking for a guy who doesn't watch porn, pickings could be slim. Based on the letters seeking advice that make their way here, it is a very pervasive situation.What isn't often discussed is the type of porn a guy watches. Some of it is very degrading to women, and I would advise avoiding someone who watches men violently dominating women unless that resembles your own sexual appetite. There is a tiny bit of porn out there that actually presents sex in a more loving way, such as that put out by Girlfriends Films (where you can actually hear the occasional "I love you"). They are an all-girl company and, as you are already watching girl/girl porn, you might invite him to watch some of those types of movies with you. I think porn can be a really good thing for couples if it keeps their relationships spiced up. But definitely not good if one person is watching it to the disapproval of the other.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 November 2015):
 You would be a dream mate for a man who wants his woman to initiate. Based on your age range, I'd guess he's been your primary partner for most of your dating life?
I would sadly let this man go back into the dating pool but then the good news is that you'll be in a position to find a fabulous lover who will want you as you are and will be ecstatic for your libido and sex drive.
Yes, he might love you and say that you are beautiful. Does that make him your best choice for a life partner? Perhaps not, especially based on the intel you've provided on him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your input. I'm going to have a conversation with him soon. I've been focusing on my role too much I guess. How I can be more accepting, make myself more attractive, etc. He does have a problem.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (11 November 2015):
He is simply addicted to porn by now.
If he masturbates as well to porn, then this makes his problem exponentially greater. I wouldn't get too deep into the emotional issues on how this relates with you. He needs to stop watching porn/masturbating, so try him at this. You did say he was your best friend as well so it should not be a problem for you to talk to him about this.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (11 November 2015):
I understand that people can become addicted to watching porn' just like gambling or alcohol. They need professional help. You can't fix it on your own, and probably neither can he.
The first thing he needs to do is recognise that he has a problem, and that you and your relationship are suffering because of it.
If you can get him to recognise that then he can start recovering with whatever help you can get.
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