A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I cheated on my husband of 8 years with a married man at work. When I met the other man there was an instant spark but nothing came about until 4 years later. I was open and honest with my husband from the beginning. My husband knew I have been unhappy for a long time and no matter how much I tried nothing changed. So when I had finally had enough the feelings I had for my coworker came into play. I told my husband upfront and we agreed that we would get divorced. The man I was seeing also told his wife and shortly after it was out in the open we moved in together. 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. Neither of us were divorced yet. Well his divorce was final before mine. Then our son was born. My divorce was final and then a month later we got married. Now we have been married almost 2 years and I cannot get the anxiety or feeling like he is cheating or wants to cheat on me to go away. Am I being irrational? I have talked to him about my feelings and considering how we got together I just feel vulnerable now. Do I have a right to feel this way?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): Dear OP, thank you for your update.
Your sarcasm is ironic when you call me "perfect" . I am far from perfect, have made mistakes and I am sure I will in the future. But I think I am realistic and call a spade a spade. Each to his own OP, each to his/her own. I am glad you are transferring your anger and frustration on myself or anyone else who has given you advice You did not want to hear. At least it takes your mind off the real issues you are facing.I think now you and your hb know the challenges and issues your marriage is facing. You know each other well enough to say "I do not trust you" so marital counselling should work if you both are completely honest with each other. Who knows the cheating days may be finally over and you both will grow old together.
So enjoy your new family but in your quiet moments please spare a thought for those who suffered at your hands ,in your attempt to find your happiness.
I am sorry you took offense to our words but yes the truth is sometimes hard to swallow isn't it. Good luck and be Blessed.
LoveGirl
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to the people who wrote. I took it all in and he agreed to counseling. This is a neat site that I never used before but I will definetly use again!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont have all the answers but again say and think what you will. I have primary custody of my 1st born. Her father likes to party and his social life comes first in his eyes. I do hope counseling works and helps .
I also hope you stay as perfect as you are to because as soon as you make a error in judgement I'm sure there will be a bunch of people to continually point it out to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): My Dear OP, I think before you start pointing fingers at US, there is a few more pointing at you.
You said you wanted unbiased opinion and YOU judged us for calling u a homewrecker.
You seem to have all the answers so what help can we provide? Nothing we say matters anyway, you seem to have a one track mind in that you are right and perhaps justified in what you did.
So I am glad everyone is getting on after your affair. This should make u very happy.
I just want to point out that no how angry you get with any of our responsers it does not change your situation: that you do not trust your Now hb
I am glad you both are going for marital counselling. Your son should never grow up in a dysfunctional home. (Who is the primary caregiver of your first child??)
I know you detest the word 'homewrecker'- unfortunately you earned that title and perhaps instead of making excuses and always justifying, just accept it?
Just work at your marriage and if /when distraction come your way again, value your marriage and decide against another affair. It is all about the choices we mke so live contently with your present one.
I just want to end by saying: trust that little voice. It is called you gut/instinct. It is telling you something, even though you do not want to admit it.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can take all of the accusations. Yes, what I (we) did was wrong. To all parties involved nobody is denying that. Moving on.... he had NO KIDS from his previous marraige. I had a child from my 1st marraige. I did NOT purposely get pregnant. We took precautions. But think what you will.
Yes, I have to live with my decisions and what happened in my past may come and haunt me. Ok. Or maybe I am just a really insecure person and take things out of proportion. Either way. What happened in my 1st marriage happened. As for my now husband. I did not MAKE him cheat on his wife. I did NOT twist his arm and say be unfaithful. He CHOSE to do that on his own. I did not pressure him and he did not pressure me. If we were happy in our relationships then we wouldn't be where we are now. Correct? Yes. What you don't know..... I went to counseling with my 1st husband... he turned it into a joke. We married young and we grew into different people and were more like friends than a couple. My husband his situation was almost the same. Counseling and his wife was a control freak. So you would think that she could help the marriage instead of making it worse. whatever it doesnt matter. It didn't work with us and them so it is what it is.
I have spoke with my husband and is accepting of counseling so we can work on these feelings that im having.
To answer some questions that were in a few of your answers....
No extended lunches, eats lunch while he drives.
He had no kids and I had 1 child going into this
He is not a flirty person
He keeps to himself
He does not keep in contact with his ex but accepts things now becuase after looking back she seen they were not happy
Even though my ex and I have a daughter together we are friends. We are cordial and my ex and husband are as well. we split holidays and they come here or vice versa so we are always together. He has moved on and is happy.
I asked the question I did hoping to get unbiased answers . With the exception of a few all you have said was " YOU CHEATER, HOME WRECKER " it would have been nice if you could have moved on from that and then looked at the question for what it was. I understand for some it is hard and everyone is entitled to thier own opinion. So thanks for your time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010): Speak to other people who have had affairs and then tried to play happy families. The mistress/lover very rarely moves into the 'wife' slot and when she does this rarely works.
There is no trust bec both know the history of the hook up. Both know the others stink and it is this very stink that leads to the destruction of the new marriage.
Does he take extended lunch breaks?
Now that you are not working with him has he got his claws into another work colleague
Is he flirtatious by nature? A good 'con' man. His man wanted to get into your pants for 4 years so what stops him from persuing another affair whuile pretending to be happily married.
His is very good at hiding thing; think back to all your sneaking around. I am sure he had kids with his wife. Think back to when he was not avaiable to his wife and kids (while he was sneaking around with you) see his flawed character forming.
As u say your hb was informed of your affair. His wife, his innocent wife, was a victim. Out of the blue you bioth destroyed her life.
You both then hook up 'officially' and five minutes later you chose to fall pregnant. This rubbed salt in his wifes wounds.perhaps you thought a baby would make him be more committed to ytou, basically you had him by the *alls. I head a story recently called child of adultery,that is food for thought to anyone who cares about their offspring.
You say 'irrational' feelings, I say realistic aftermath of deceit.
Next time he is late from work,what do u do: ask for an explanation, demand to know who he was with? Check his pockets, his emails,cell phone? Start nagging?
Happy family - no, just a sad reminder of how it was conceived. And I think deep down no matter how much you justify yourself you know that what you did was wrong, oh so wrong, therfore the guilt is eatin you up. We can run away from the realities and pretend with people but when faced with our own inner demons, we go to bed with it and we wake up with it. These thoughts and fears are our conscious!
I am curious what has happened to his first wife? Did she forgive him for destroying her world?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): You really need to read a lot about affairs and their aftermath.
You are in the aftermath of the affair, and married to the "other man".
Yes, you went about finding love in the wrong way, but that is not the problem. The problem is that you don't understand why you did this, and don't understand why your spouse cheated as well on his wife, and now you are "the wife".
You and your husband probably need help, counseling, marital counseling, and if you value the relationship you will both attend. If he says it is "stupid", tell him how you feel about what the both of you did, and tell him you don't want the cycle to repeat, from either end.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): thats what happens when u marry the man u had an affair with. it destroys the trust
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): Stop blaming your ex hb for your cheating ways. You made a decision with your then lover to destroy lives with your decision.
You met your lover while at work and played around while at work. Now he goes to work and you stay at home . Perhaps you need to get back into the outside world and basically keep an eye on him. As simple as that. Unfortunately you will always have to double check him and where he is going. Does he like to flirt, does he like women in general. Does he like forming emotional attachments with other women. Were you the only woman he cheated with.
One thing I must point out: you blamed your hb for not wanting to work things out. You controlled the situation from the start, you basically dictated your affair to him and well I think it was honorably that he chose not to be with a cheating wife.
I always say do not attain your happiness on someone else unhappiness. Do not destroy others and take from them to get your own. Let's hope that you yourself now change your ways, character and become faithful. And even perhaps become a role model for your kid. As for your hb, all u can now hope for is that he doesn't attach himself to someone in his working environment while you wait expectantly for him to return to you. After all his wife perhaps waited too. Strange how life mirrors forbidden
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, I kind of feel like I am this horrible person. First of all I didn't ask to get married and have my marriage not work out. I truly thought once I said I do that was that. My husband was the one that didnt want to work on things. He didnt care. Now maybe it is coming to bite me back. What comes around goes around. I DO FEEL BAD for how things played out. My husband at the time didnt care when I told him about my co worker. At the time I told him nothing intimate had happened with me and him. My coworkers wife was less than expecting and I felt horrible. We both did but it was what it was. Was it fair for the both of them to continue on living unhappily? For me to pretend like we were the great little family and we were not. No. Was it right of me and him to cheat? No. I know this. But I guess I should of rephrased my question to.... Can we be a normal happily married family after something like this gets us together? Becuase Although I am completely his I always have that back fear he will not want to be with me and then I get all weird about his intentions. I do stay at home and no longer work and maybe that is a part of it. I just feel like I am being made out to be this terrible person becuase I wanted to find love and maybe went about it the wrong way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): I always say Trust your Gut! It is telling you to becareful/bewise. It is telling , reminding you of his tell tale character. It is also telling u that your family unit isnt all that you would wish it to be. I think u know the lies, the normal excuses he and perhaps evn you made to your spouses while carrying on your affairs. It is so strange or perhaps Karma catching up with you, your suspicions, your unease and your turmoil is exactly what his wife was going through while he was cheating with you. Not a good feeling is it. Perhaps u are now maturing therfore you are now questioning . Perhaps now u realise what u did previously was wrong. One thing I know is this: you will Never be able to fully trust, no matter how much he tries to convince you. So this is something u will have to live with for the rest of your life. I say trust your gut: that little voice is preparing you.I know of spouses that claim their better half were always at home on time, always there for them and their kids, never missed any/many family functions, did not hide their cell . The list carries on. BUT the so called 'loving' spouse was cheating all yhe time. My brother is one of them! He has a mistress for the past 8 years. Go figure this out.When in doubt, believe something is wrong. All I can say protect yourself. Is this wheel turning??
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): That is why you need help.
Some people say, "once a cheater, always a cheater", but this isn't true. It is true that people tend to repeat patterns, sometimes they don't even realize it.
You need help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree that there is always the possiblity that we could cheat again. I truly believe he is my soulmate though. My 1st marraige had been going down hill for a few years and the fact I could always be open and honest with him. I told him from the beginning that I was seeing my co worker. He did not care. Anyway to respond to your answer. His job requires him to be on call 24/7 and when we were still at our other homes and married he would tell his wife that he had to work late or got called in and such so when he does that now it makes me wonder. I am not allowed to look at his phone or he gets upset. There are no tell tale things just things he used to use as an excuse to see me now makes me question if he is really doing what he says. I mean its weird though because he is home with me and most of the time he is fine but then every so often he starts acting weird and then I get paranoid and feel like something is going on. from his point of view we fight about this alot and I feel bad that I talk about this with him. I know it has to be annoying to be accused of cheating or questioned all the time but I don't know how to make the feelings go away.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): You are being extremely rational.
You need to go to couples counseling, for both your sake, his sake, and the child's sake.
Divorce in these situations tops 75%.
Children who grow up in these situations frequently cheat and have affairs, it affects the children more than you realize.
Work on it and try to make it better, stop the cycle, for everyone's sake.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 October 2010):
This is what happens when relationships start from affairs. Because of course, if you were both willing to cheat before, then you are both more than capable of doing it again. So there is the possibility that he will do it. There is also the possibility that you will do it to him.
HOWEVER, before you push the panic button, you need to think. Do you have any proof whatsoever that he is cheating, other than this feeling? Because a feeling isn't good enough. You need proof. So what is making you feel this way? Are there texts? Late hours? Calls? Emails? Anything of any substance? Because if not, you have nothing to work on and chances are you are being irrational.
So sit down and think about this. Have you any proof at all?
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