A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a relationship with a married man who also sees other people. I knew this going into the relationship. I did not care, because I am obsessed. I will not leave under any circumstances, as I am that codependent. I love him, and that's that--but I get so jealous that i can't stand it. I need to know how to deal with this. I need to be able to allow him to see other people without giving him shit about it. I need to be able to know he is out with someone and not care. I need to be able to know he is fucking someone and not care. He says that I am selfish for talking about my jealousy, and that if I loved him, I would appreciate that he is happy in his polyamour. I love him, I do not want to lose him, and I need to learn to deal. Help please, but only if you have an answer that does not involve leaving--because I won't leave.
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (28 August 2010):
Codependency is a problem. No matter what relationship you are in. And this is in no way an ideal relationship. If you want him in a monogamous relationship, you should be able to have that. I'm sorry for not giving you the answer you want, but I think you may want to consider talking to a therapist. You should be able to be in a relationship where you don't have to share your partner if you don't want to. Where you are both equal and you don't have to sacrifice so much to hold onto him with nothing in return.
I understand that you are obsessed and don't want to leave him, but what about your future goals and dreams? Do you want kids? Do you want to get married? Do you want to wake up next to your man every morning? Go on trips together? Will you be able to get that from this guy? Not likely. I know it will be hard and hurt, but at least you can be free to find someone who can give you the things you want.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2010): You need to go work out your jealousy with a therapist. Find one that can help you focus on this and go.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (28 August 2010):
 You've chosen a tough road and it only works well for a few people. It involves a lot of being alone and that has it's disadvantages but also its advantages.
I'd suggest that you develop very engrossing hobbies or interests or friendships or charitable work in to which you can really lose yourself. I think that is essential for your sanity.
I'd also suggest that you must find something in your relationship with him which is unique to the two of you, something that you share that he doesn't have with anyone else, a private space. Obviously in most relationships that exclusive private space is sex but in a polyamorous situation it can't be and you must find something else.
To give an example from a rather different situation, I have a friend who is a hardened, rather cynical, forty something, writer and drifter. An old girlfriend of his went on to become a very successful international call girl, literally flies the world to see hugely wealthy clients and obviously have sex with them. He's no angel and usually has several women on the go but he loves this girl and I know that it causes him pain that he can't have her to himself. However they have a shared love of bird watching and that is something that they share that they don't share with others and it forms and important private space in their relationship. Does that make any sense to you?
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A
male
reader, mr toyboy  +, writes (28 August 2010):
Is it impossible for you to get another man?
This guy might actually infect you with a deadly disease.
You deserve some respect and dignity.
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A
female
reader, Phoebe Halliwell  +, writes (28 August 2010):
 There is no answer that doesn't involve leaving. You feel bad, how do you think his wife feels?? You may love him, but he's only with you for sex. If he loves anyone, it'd probably be his wife, though he has a funny way of showing it. I think you're selling yourself short, settling for a guy who isn't even satisfied by TWO women and can never fully commit to you. You deserve to find someone who can commit to you and treat you with the love and respect you deserve, why deprive yourself of that for an unfaithful married man?
You need to think about how his wife must feel. She loves this man, he promised to spend the rest of his life with her, and he's going around sleeping with several other women?! One is bad enough but more?
You need to stop thinking so low of yourself, that you aren't strong enough to leave, or don't deserve love. You are strong enough to leave. In the end, he won't leave her to be with you, eventually he will end things with you. That's the thing about being the wife, they always go back to the wife. He will ditch you, and you will end up alone. I know you don't want to believe it, but he doesn't love you. Think about all the pain you're causing his wife, it's kind of selfish saying "I won't leave"... she got there first! She put the ring on his finger. He's her man, not yours, you have to pick yourself up, walk away, and find your own man. You shouldn't have to share.
xxx
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