A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Me and my girfriend, we recently moved on to the physical phase in our relationship. She's a virgin and wanted to go things slowly so we took things very slowly. Didn't even undo both our pants for weeks. After that we slowly moved down. I love her and respect her so I never forced her for anything and always asked her for permission whatever I was doing to her. When the first time I touchd her boobs and kissed them, she cried a little bit even though I was very gentle.Next, when I kissed and touched her vagina, she cried again. This happened everytime since then. Whenever I touched her she used to cry even though I never forced her. Initially, I was ok but after 5-6 times, I am feeling guilty :( I also asked her reason of crying but she said she don't know... thats even worse. This turns me off completely. She is also scared of having sex. Whenever we start, she says she's ready and when we come to actually doing it, she kinda shuts off . that makes me feel guilty. I am not sure what to do :( I love her and don't want to hurt her so I never forced her but this is really frustrating for me.. makes me feel guilty as well as rejected. Our daily life with each other is very happy, we enjoy each other's company so much. but sex life is not that great and sometimes makes me angry :(How can I make this right for both of us ?Please advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2013): Dear OP,I sort of had an interesting problem which reminded me of your gf, so I'll share (sorry for the long response): I really love sex, but as soon as I feel like I'm losing control, I just feel vulnerable and scared and start to cry. Has to do with history of sexual harassment.And what's weird: if a guy's really nice and tender to me, like you described, it makes me cry even more. We were not a touchy family, so physical contact and tenderness was saved for the few times when I was injured or really sick. Therefore, too much tenderness from a man makes me feel like a lost naked child and doesn't set the right mood. Basically, I feel like I'm about to die, cause too much tenderness equals that I must be really sick.Yet, when I initiate sex, when I get to set the pace and time, everything's fine and I'm enjoying myself. I can take sex best from a funny or slightly weird angle. A guy once wore a glittering, animal-print string for me and did a "seductive" dance. He looked so silly - and that made it sexy, because he didn't scare me anymore. It's a mental thing. Whatever keeps me away from the feeling that I'm either a molested victim or a sick child on his death-bed.So, my best advice, though only from my experience is:1) Don't try to be the perfect and sensitive lover anymore, back off! If a woman's really scared of her sexuality, of you, of being overwhelmed, you can't do anything about it, you'll screw up anyway. And in the end, nothing will have changed, but you'll be a bitter, passive-aggressive person who hates himself. That's because if someone feels like a victim, it makes the other one feel like a perpetrator. If you both can't get out of that mindset you'll end up fulfilling her nightmares, no matter if you want to or not.2) Talk. Say this isn't working for you, say you want her to take over from now. She's setting the pace. She needs to find out whether or not she wants sexuality in her life, she needs to make that decision. Talk and find out, how she wants her sex life to be.Maybe she also has some body issues, bad memories.. some secrets that she needs to share. You won't get her trust though if you keep trying and getting more and more frustrated. Anyway, a final word: It was a long journey for me to feel okay with my sexuality and to be able to have sex with men without feeling terrible. Maybe she rather wants to avoid sex for now. And then it's the most respectful thing to let her avoid it and to break up when you know that sex is important to you.
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (2 June 2013):
 She clearly has issues with intimacy that come from somewhere other than you. If I were you id leave cause I hv needs lolbut bc youre the sensitive type your choices are simple: be patient with her or leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2013): when you said the things about the boobs I thought well maybe they were really tender if it were before her period and you were being rough, but anyway it doesn't seem to be the case, maybe maybe she's not ready, maybe she's afraid it'll hurt, maybe she feels guilty, maybe she has been abused there can be many things you have to ask her but be patient if she feels pressured into having sex it can be really crappy if you really love this girl, maybe seeing a sex therapist may help you both
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2013): Do you mean cry as in pain or emotionally??
Pain.. Be more sensitive and ask her to direct you.
Emotionally... Well maybe she is kinda scared or maybe something has happened to her in her past. Communication is key to any relationship. Talk to her but don't make it such a big deal as she make feel a failure ans may start to think you may look elsewhere.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (1 June 2013):
 P.S. As for "phases".... I can't BEGIN to count how many of my "relationships" have gone directly from the "Thanks for dinner" phase to the "Don't EVER contact me, again, you creep" phase!!!!!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 June 2013):
I swear... if my G/F cried every time I performed oral for her..... she would have died from DEHYDRATION long ago!!!!
Some girls are just uber-sensitive..... Be attentive to her, and who KNOWS just how far - and for how long - you and she will have a "thing".....
good luck...
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