A
male
age
36-40,
*urtandbitter
writes:My online girlfriend who lives 2000 miles away had a one night stand at a party with some random dude the second week of us knowing each other. What hurt the most was that she was talking to me that night on msn too, while at the party, and pretty much gave me a play by play of what was happening all the way to the point before she signed out and did him. Needles to say, I was devastated.At first I was so deeply in love with her that it clouded everything else to the point where I willed myself to look past it. I have also caught her flirting at least 3 times openly with random people on chatrooms, one of them being her ex internet boyfriend who dumped her. The first month we were crazy about each other but as the 4th month of our relationship is ending I find the jealousy and bitterness creeping in and clouding everything else. I find myself arguing with her more frequently as she has to defends herself. What should I do? Was it worth it in the first place? Should I break up with her and continue with my busy college life/schedule? *******expanded - you don't have to read the rest, everything important is condensed above*********I've been in a couple of online relationships at a younger age and they never worked out because they were never serious enough relationships in the first place. I'm now 21 and went into a chatroom out of sheer boredom, where I met this girl of 19 and fell for her hard within a week or so of spending most of my days talking to her. I never knew what she looked like at first but I didn't care and made my feelings known to her. Needless to say, she had stunning looks but that didn't matter much as I was more in love with her personality. Everything about her had feelings riled up in me that I haven't felt in awhile. I made my feeling clear to her but at the same time let her know that I was cautious because I knew from past experience how pointless online relationships can be. Then about two weeks later she has the one-night stand. And the whole event I described earlier happened. At first I let it go because I was so blindly and deeply in love with her and I understand that people have sexual needs. She seems to be even hornier than I am (and I am a horny guy, think Quagmire horny.)About a month later as I was browsing public logs in the chatroom and I find that she had also been flirting with 2-3 guys on main chat, one of her being an ex online boyfriend that dumped her for someone else. She seems to do this while I'm out with buddies drinking in bars on weekends. I'm a 21yo student on a college campus and I have been doing this for awhile, and occasionally had one-night stands. She knew this but I let her know that nothing would go on and never has since we met. I haven't as much as looked at another girl after I met this girl.I love her so much but the pain creeps and hurts even more as days go by to the point where it's clouded everything else. It's not as much as the fact of the one-night stand that makes it comes back so violently, it's how she did it. I can't seem to look past it and I have been bringing it up more and more every time she does something questionable. She constantly tells me she is sorry and that she didn't know what we had the first two weeks was more than just a fling despite me letting her know how I felt about her, and her telling me she was getting attached to me and was starting to feel the same way.She constantly tells me how I am the best, how she loves me more than anything, how I make her life better, how I'm the only one she wants. She says she is really sorry about what she did. She has done things such as drawing a picture of me, made a tree love-mark and written a love letter to make me feel better. But I just wonder if she is doing it because she really loves me or because she fears I might dump her and she might end up alone again. She seems to be willing to do anything to make things work between us. She is a wild one by nature and I fear that she might end up doing stuff like this again. I feel that we are just both going towards a dead end.That event has instilled such emotional trauma in me that I can't look past it anymore no matter how much she tells me she loves me. After the impression she left with that event I find it hard to trust her and have to question her every time she goes out to get drunk or get high, or does something out of msn in general. I have so many questions I need answers to. Why would she do that if she clearly knew I liked her? Why would she talk to me on msn that night between the times she was out doing it with some random guy? Was she trying to hurt me or make me jealous? Should I do the same to her?I have come to almost breaking up with her twice now and I fear the next time we end up arguing will be the last. What should I do? This is tearing me apart. Please help.
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chat room, cheated on me, drunk, flirt, her ex, horny, jealous, msn, one night stand, violent Reply to this Question
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male
reader, hurtandbitter +, writes (12 September 2008):
hurtandbitter is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe'll be staying for 3 days. I'm confident it will go well.
I talked to her about the whole situation telling her precisely how I felt. She told me she is really sorry about what she did and it pains her to know how much it hurt me. She wishes she could take back the whole thing. She's willing to do anything to make it work. She doesn't visit chatrooms anymore that way she doesn't end up flirting with random people and only visits them if I go in there. She told me she has deleted her ex from msn and hasn't talked to him in over a month.
Then again it's only text and spoken words. It's easy to lie and hard to observe someone over the internet.
I really love her and I'm serious about the whole thing and she knows that. I can't pinpoint how serious she is about it though. I feel that if I can look past that event it could work but the impression she left on me from that night will make it very hard to forget. I'll be cautious and i'll have a hard time trusting her again anytime soon.
Thanks. I'll keep you updated.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2008): Hmm. Perhaps, if you really feel it could work, you could wait until you have met her in person before making your judgement. How long is she staying for? If you have time, take her out for a bit. See how she behaves and whether you think you could live with the behaviour. It may turn out she is really into the relationship as much as you are, but i would warn you to just be careful about the whole deal. Try not to think about it for a bit, see how it goes and work from there. Don't let your worries affect your judgement of her, but just be prepared for the worst if it happens. Thanks for writing back, let us all know how it goes and good luck! :)
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A
male
reader, hurtandbitter +, writes (11 September 2008):
hurtandbitter is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice and quick responses guys,
The thing is she doesn't want to break it off. She's willing to do anything to make it work, as far as taking pics of everywhere she goes so I don't start doubting. I'm the one who has been initiating the arguing and suggesting to break up. Every time I as much as hint about it she will get all teary and tell me how much she loves me and needs me, how sorry she is for hurting me and how she wants to take it back but can't, and how she's ready to do anything to make things work. Since I'm a softy at heart(even though I don't show it.)I can't help but feel for her and just drop it. She has also played the "if you loved me" card a couple of times before in different occasions.
Don't get me wrong I wasn't planning on initiating a relationship with this girl. I was feeling pretty lonely at the time because I had moved 2 hrs away from everyone I knew for a full time internship. The chatroom thing was only out of boredom. I have been going out to bars/clubs and parties pretty much every weekend since I started college and never even as much as planned on settling down with a girl since my time spent on school and work doesn't allow it yet. I even keep friends who are girls at a certain distance for fear that I might fall for them. Besides, I know better than to pick up my next girlfriend at a bar. I wish I knew better when it comes to chatrooms.
One night when I was about to go out to the bar with buddies I mentioned to her I was going out with buddies to get my grind on. I saw that she became jealous and one thing led to another and she eventually told me she had been doing it about 3 times now with her ex and would probably be doing it with someone else at some concert next weekend. I logged off and didn't talk to her for 3 days in anger, all the while she was sending me about 20 texts a day of how sorry she was, how she was crying and swearing on her grave that she was trying to make me jealous because she though I had been doing one-night stands.
Then there are times where she will do things like flirt around in chatrooms or her random "gtg" messages because she has to go to her friend's, and tell me how she got high last night, etc. It makes me question why the hell I'm even going on with it.
My main concern is not if I should cheat on her. I couldn't go on living my life knowing I would hurt her like that. My main concern is if she is taking this as serious as I am? Is she cheating on me still and lying about it? Is it even worth going through with it?
I've never felt this strong about a girl in my whole life. I'm willing to make time for her even if it puts my good grades at risk.
Here is another important thing I should have mentioned. She will be flying here at the end of September with her father for a business meeting her father has. I'm worried if I should break it off before I meet her in person or go further with it?
I really appreciate the help. Let me know if you need more details I'll be glad to provide them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): Dude Listen, 2000 miles? Some people can't even do the same state! Dump her if your relationship is for real. If you are at college go get yourself a real girlfriend at your school where you can actually see her. 2000 Miles isn't a real relationship its a joke of a relationship.
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A
male
reader, The Listener +, writes (10 September 2008):
 I don't really want to have to be the one to say this, but it seems that she doesn't take 'online dating' as a serious thing. The fact that she gave you an account of what was going on between her and another guy at a party should tell you that she has no real feelings for you and obviously doesn't think of what you have as a 'relationship'. What she did wasn't something people in a relationship do to their partner and in fact even to their friends. She obviously does no good for you and it is likely that what you have is not love for her but an infatuation.
My advice? I suggest that instead of hanging around in chatrooms or online with this girl, or in fact others, you go out to clubs, pubs, bars and the sort and try to meet a girl in your area that you can connect with. I promise you that the relationship will be infinitley more fullfilling than someone you meet online who may claim they like or even love you, but most likely uses you as an amusement when she is bored or not with other guys (as you have almost explained yourself). You should forget this girl. Stop going on these chatrooms for a while and hold off from talking to her online. Go out and meet new people personally, get to know them and see how things go. You may feel like you love her now, but i'm sure that getting out there and actively seeking a girl will benefit you in ways you may not have thought.
I am not saying that online relationships are wrong; that is a matter of personal opinion whether you like them or not. However, you said yourself that not all of your online relationships have gone well and maybe there is a clue. Perhaps online relationships are not for you. It is easy for someone (like this girl) to catch a decent guy (such as you) online and 'use' you as someone to play with emotionally. The chances are that if she has had this one night stand, it is entirely possible she has/is sleeping with other guys in real life and not telling you. I advise you stop contacting her. Live your own life without her in it for a while and see how things go.
I can only hope that you listen to my advice, even if you don't take it. You appear to be a decent guy who deserves better than an online relationship where there are obvious boundaries. Good luck with whatever you try and write back to let us know how things turn out. Thanks :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2008): Two wrongs don't make a right.Even though she cheated on you,that gives no right for you to cheat on her.It wasn't
right.Unfortunately,when we have heartbreaks like this,we
almost instantly get these feelings to hurt the other person for revenge and the want for them to feel the pain
that they put us through.But we shouldn't do that.If you do
that to her,you will be just as bad as she is,and later on
regret it,because you will realize it was stupid,wrong,and
useless.You should break up with her,and just find someone else who you can trust and won't cheat on you and that has
the qualities that you look for in a girl.Don't be like her.Find someone else and move on.Unfortunately,we can't change the past,but if we could,I would.I hope I helped in
some way.
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A
female
reader, kim 18  +, writes (10 September 2008):
 hey im sure that she probs is really sorry that she had sex with that other lad but thats just it its just sex a one night stand that didnt mean anything ur the one she is still talking to and trying to work things out with i dont think u should do the same thing to her cuz 2 wrongs dont make a right.
if u really do love her then u should give things a go. she may have had sex with this other lad cuz she didnt really no how she felt about u.
if u havent meet this girl face to face then i think thats the next thing u should do and she how u feel when ur with her in person like if u still get along with her when ur in the same room together.
i no its hard but u really need to look past this one night stand cuz thats all it seems to be she hasnt gone and done it again has she and she is telling u she sorry and wants to be with u i think u should give it a go if u love her and she loves u then things will work out but just dont drump her and walk away or cheat on her cuz love sometimes dose hurt but when the problem is sorted out love is the best thing in the world and if u have it them u shoud try everything to keep it hope things work out for u hun good luck x
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A
female
reader, Bubblegum-Pink +, writes (10 September 2008):
 I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you. I have before been in a similar situation myself. In my case, I was cheated on, I caught my boyfriend flirting on internet chatrooms on countless occasions and he kept lying about everything. After he confessed to cheating (but at this point he only admitted to the tip of the iceberg), we decided together to make a go of it together with a fresh start. However, this didn't really work out and, like yourself and your girlfriend, we found ourselves constantly arguing. One night when arguing he said, as he had said countless times before, that he didn't want to be with me any more. The only difference was that this time when he begged me back, I declined.
Hun, if this situation is making you this miserable, please just tell her straight that you guys aren't working out and it's time to take your own separate paths. This may seem like the hardest thing in the world, but I promise you it will get easier with time. Get your friends to support you as I'm guessing that they aren't happy with how she's been treating you. You deserve so much better and it won't be long until you realise this.
Best of luck :)
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