A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I want to pursue a relationship with a woman I met online who has an eight month old baby. We met last year and we were both looking for friends during the pandemic. We have a lot in common in terms of hobbies, political views, religion, etc. We have video-chatted.I'm in Canada and she's in the US, so I know it would be long distance but I am willing to make it work. However, she has mentioned before that she's focusing all her attention on her daughter and isn't interested in dating. She doesn't think any man would want a relationship with her right now anyway.I understand her daughter comes first but I still would like to date her. How do I approach her about this?
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female
reader, Alwin  +, writes (9 August 2021):
 I think you should only be considering this after meeting her in person, you don't even know if you'd have good chemistry, if she's interested in you. The whole issue of a long distance relationship and the fact that she has a daughter is an after thought, the first should be: does she want to have a relationship with you? apparently she's not interested in that, what makes you think she's into you? has she said anything? "How do I approach her about this?" Ask her is she has changed her mind about dating rn if yes, tell her you would like to meet her in person and see how it goes from there... But that's a risky moove I would only try that after being friends for a while and being sure that there's a mutual liking/ connection.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2021): If you really care for her support her in any way you can at this stage and be there for her when she needs you. Help her financially if you can I would expect money is the most she needs at this stage if she is out of work. Whatever you do don't press her for a relationship at this stage let things develope slowly at her pace. I think there is absolutely nothing wrong to have a relationship with a single mother on the contrary I think it is very decent and gentlemanly to take her and her baby as a whole package if you love her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2021): She is chatting long distance because then she does not want a relationship.You are a safe friend.You live far away.The other thing to think about is she has a baby.The baby is young.Where is the dad in all this?Maybe she is in a relationship already and is just chatting with someone far because she will not be found out as easy.She also could be playing you for money....she may have not asked yet but is grooming you slowly before the con.People are not as nice and honest in the US compaired to canada.You really do not know this person.All you know is what she tells you...It might not be true.You might be one of many she intends to con.Never believe in the internet persona .It might not be based on fact.Be smarter than this.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (5 August 2021):
 I wonder, how do you propose "dating" her with the distance which separates you? It's not like you can just drive over and take her out for a meal, is it? How do you see this working?
It's one thing having a long distance relationship if it is a temporary situation and you have previously spent time together, quite another when it is the start of a relationship.
Are you just trying to prove her wrong when she says nobody would be interested in dating her?
She has stated she is not interested in dating. You need to listen. She has different priorities in her life at the moment. Also, given the age of the baby, she could still be raw from the breakdown of the relationship with the baby's father. There could still be unfinished business there. She could still be hoping they can reconcile. She could just be saying she doesn't want to date because she doesn't want to date YOU but doesn't want to hurt you.
It is good that you share so many interests and views. However, for the time being at least, you may need to just be friends. If this is not what you are looking for, then perhaps you need to be honest with yourself, admit you have different agendas for your relationship and cut communication? You may then meet someone nearer, who IS ready to date and who does not have other priorities in her life.
If you are determined this is the woman for you, then you are going to have to be brave and tell her. Yours would not be an easy relationship to conduct, so you both need to want to make it work, not just one of you. You would also have to be prepared to take on another man's child, with all the complications that could entail.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 August 2021):
 I think you should listen and respect what she is saying.
SHE isn't looking to date right now. So if you can stick to PNLY offering friendship, then stick to that. Though, I'm not sure you can so that as you ultimately would want more.
Kepp money and romance out of the contact. If you can do that who knows what could happen. I do think you are doing yourself a disservice to HOPE that can turn into an LDR.
LDR's are tough enough because of the distance but with someone who isn't REALLY looking to date and who recently had a child - which means she also has a "baby daddy" out there. THAT is a lot to take on.
It might not be what is best for EITHER of you.
If you still want to try, GO slow and like I said keep money, sex, and romance out of the picture.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2021): You said she has told you she isn't interested in dating. Why would you persist in pursuing a long-distance relationship? Don't make it a habit of dismissing what a woman tells you when it's something this serious.
Beyond chatting with her, you've never had an in-person interaction with this lady. Online-personas are not always what they seem, my friend. You don't know people until you've actually spent considerable time with them. She told you she's not interested in dating; so I would take that to mean a meeting isn't going to happen.
Maybe you have noble intentions of morally supporting and rescuing her; but she has an 8-month old infant to care for. She has to get her life in order; and somewhere out there is a father of that child. Who knows when he'll decide to just show-up in the middle of all this? What do you know about him, and why did he leave her alone with an infant?
She shouldn't even be on a dating site, if she's not dating. That's a bit fishy!
Are you ready to step-in and pay child-support, and be a stand-in daddy for an eight month-old baby? Eventually, she's going to need help.
All this might seem cool in theory; but the reality is more serious than you might be ready for. You're a single-guy in his 20's, I would assume you've never been married. Now you want to put a woman, struggling alone with a kid, through a long-distance romance. You don't even know how you really feel about her; because you've never met her in-person. You're intrigued by the idea of her; and I speculate you're toying with the thought of being her rescuer.
You might be biting-off more than you can chew. A single-mother with an infant to care for might not be ready for dating anytime soon. There's lack of sleep, lactating, diaper changing, and a crying baby. Long-distance relationships are stressful, and don't fulfill many basic human needs. Good-stuff like romantic-touch, kisses, general affection, the warmth of a hug; and experiencing the actual company of having another human being in the same room. She may as well attempt a relationship with the MIA father of that child, be that the case. Who knows why he's out of the picture, or when he's coming back?
She might enjoy chatting with you; and your moral-support may come as a comfort. I wouldn't pressure her too much; but she is very vulnerable at this point. She might not make wise decisions; and in a few months, your interest may wane, and completely fizzle-out. If she becomes emotionally-attached over the passing of time; once again she's left abandoned...with a kid...and no man anywhere in sight! Should you just up and decide you don't want an LDR anymore.
If you manage to pull her in, and steal her heart...you had better do right by her! I would have advised her against taking such a risk, had she been the original poster.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2021): You have already approached her and you ignore what she tells you. If I were her I would lose interest in someone who does not listen to what I've decided. She was lonely, she wanted interaction, that does not mean that she wants you, nor a long distance thing. Long distance things very rarely work out and usually have a lot more negatives to them than positives. She can easily get someone who lives local to her if she wants a new lover/partner/special friend, why would she make do with long distance? And it is entirely up to her if she wants to concentrate on her daughter, she does not owe you a thing, you were lucky you were able to chat to her online, don't get greedy. Some women work online charging money to chat to guys. Especially the single mums who are short of money! You need to get real.
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