| A
age
36-40,
*
writes: I have had a "friends with benefits" situation for about a year now and although he is just a friend whom I see very very infrequently (sometimes twice a month, sometimes once every three months, depending on our workloads and whether we're dating someone else or not). I have never met someone so ambitious and determined since my first long term love (who broke my heart in college) and I can assure you that I have fallen in love with this guy for all the right reasons. The sex is alright, but it is the friendship I have with this guy that makes it so valuable. He is brilliant, and I find him to be an equal of mine. Not to toot my own horn, but I have a very unique and demanding job that few 23 year olds have and can relate to, yet he is an exception, and he "get's it." When I am around him my heart sings...all together now: "awww." Now, for the catch: He and I have both been in long term relationships that broke our hearts, and since then, we have been focusing on ourselves, our careers, and making lasting relationships with friends instead of boy/girlfriends. Healthy, no? I think we are both doing the right thing, but I also think I am finally comfortable becoming serious with someone: him. He, on the other hand, I am not so sure of. Last time we hung out, he told me that he DOES want a girlfriend, but I am not sure if he meant now, or eventually. (I am inclined to think 'eventually' because I mentioned that you can not push something like finding love, and he agreed.) When he and I first got together, I was a bit more pushy, but I have had a few more flings in the past year and have calmed down a good bit.The sex is always awesome, and last night was no exception - a lot of looking into eachother's eyes and kissing. I'd say we were "making love" without the "I love you"s and what not. I know that there is no other women in his life becase the last time he got laid was almost 8 months ago - which was the last time he and I were intimately together (we've hung out since then, just no sex). I always find our nights to be really gratifying even though he may not perform perfectly - he is less experienced than I, and again, not to toot my own horn, I am more trim and attractive than he is. (What Not To Wear once approached him on the street and asked him to sign up!) Listen, I know that I am a good catch; I've had my share of handsome devils but I am ready for someone that I really truly care about. I am trying to figure out whether I should back off our friends with benefits situation (even though we already see eachother so infrequently and seeing him less would be hard) or if I should directly confront him or what... I do not want to scare him away, but I want him to wake up and realize that we would be a great pair!
View related questions:
ambition, friend with benefits, kissing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): Before you tell him how you feel I would take a step back and look at how two people that are falling in love act around each other: The guy starts pursuing her more, wanting to spend more time with her, starts calling more often and wants to make sure she is only seeing him, etc.
I say this because the only time I've told a guy or confronted him about my feelings, I was rejected and then I looked back on the situation and realized that I got to that point because I was wanting more and he was pulling back. My thought process was that if he only knew how I felt then his behavior would change but it didn't, it scared him and he ran. I've learned that things follow a natural process when two people want to be together and it's usually the guy who pursues and admits how he feels first.
You are having sex with him and you are in love with him but things aren't progressing relationship wise. You said you were pushy at first and I think he's kept you at bay. Seeing you only once in a while is still keeping you at arm's length. Most single guys aren't going to refuse sex with an attractive female that initiates things but that doesn't mean they feel anything romantic and heck, that doesn't even mean they feel chemistry. Men are much different than women like that.
How do you confront someone about a relationship when they don't even make an effort to see you regularly? Think hard about that before you put your feelings out there. It doesn't make sense.
We women get all mixed up once sex is involved and I think you are in that spot.
He wants a girlfriend but he isn't acting like it, at least not with you. Your solution is that it must be you he wants and it's a matter of you just spelling it out for him.
I would back off, let him initiate. That will tell you alot. What happens if you don't call him? Does it take a couple of months for him to want to see you? That would really concern me if I were in love with someone. I would want to feel that the person I loved wanted to be with me any chance they got and if they didn't behave that way, I certainly wouldn't lay my heart on the line.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): Sorry, but I think you may have romanticized this whole thing and he would have taken you off the market way back when if he thought you were right for him. You sound like you have a healthy attitude in life but I don't think you are really looking at this clearly because it's from a female perspective and men view this entirely different. He wants a girlfriend, yes, but it ain't you. It's not like he needs to wake up or anything, he's completely aware of what he wants and I'm sure you're a great girl! A guy that doesn't get jealous when you are with other men is not a man in love. Just look at his actions for your answer to this. He enjoys the sex and your company and your friendship but that's it. I'd save your feelings and focus them on some other guy that can't wait to have you as his own- he'll make it known too. Confront him if you want or tell him how you feel but I don't think you're gonna like what you hear. Depending on how passive he is, he may waste a lot of your time saying he's not ready or he's unsure. Translation: I don't want to be your boyfriend.
...............................
|
