A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I work with this girl on a bar. She is attractive, and met her a couple weeks ago while working. There was so real playfulness between us and I thought that there could be something.Fast forward to last night. Coming off the back if a great week, my confidence was immense. We were working together again, and some of that playfulness had eroded.We sat down to eat for our breaks, inviting me to sit next to her. I do so gladly and we begin talking. But that's where it becomes very difficult for me. Of the entire conversation, I was asking her questions about her hobbies, interests (etc), but she was disinterested, giving curt answers and generally uninvolved.In hindsight, I acknowledge that I could have been a lot better, and different with the conversation, but I digress.Ultimately, she retorts: "Why are you asking so many questions? It feels like you're interrogating me"At this point I become a little flustered and confused. The conversation was pretty shambolic, and going back from our breaks saw a complete U-turn in mood, confidence and self-esteem. It was noticeable for a lot of people.How should I approach this the next time (if) we work together? Some of the answers will be obvious, but I mean methods. I want to become friends with her and know more about her, but she's completely uninterested in that. Or at least that's the impression it gave me,I took it somewhat personally as an indictment on ego and confidence, but I changed it up and ended things on a softer note when she finished her shift.What should I do?
View related questions:
co-worker, confidence Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2015): OP here,
Thanks again. You're all right. I should just take the early hints and move along. No need pining after her that doesn't want me (even typing that makes me feel a bit off).
It's going to be hard, but it's for the best. I don't want to be THAT guy as WhenCowsAttack pointed out. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I'll drop it.
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (23 February 2015):
You're right! You tried, it failed, now move along.
Trust me, you don't want to be THAT GUY.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 February 2015):
You work with her at a bar. She doesn't want to know you better. Why? Who knows? It doesn't matter. She doesn't want to know you better.
She's not going to be a friend.
You work with this girl at a bar. She's let you know that's all she wants as far as a relationship goes with you.
Don't take it personally and let it go....
In what I assume is your followup you say you have other courtships. Pursue those.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 February 2015):
 No, it doesn't mean you shouldn't try. JUST not with her. Unless you like getting shot down again.
Regard her as a "regular" coworker, not a woman you are/were interested in.
And look back that that conversation that went so seemingly wrong. Did you ask too many questions to rapidly to try and show interest? Was she maybe a little right, when she said "I feel like it's an interrogation"? If so NEXT time you talk to a girl you want to get to know, stick to a couple of questions/topics. (obviously NOT this girl) And if she after the first or second question doesn't SEEM interested, then BACK off. I think one of your problems could be that you aren't very good at reading people or the situation.
She obviously isn't looking for a FRIEND or a BOYFRIEND.
So keep it light if you have to work with her.
And remember, not all people are as friendly as they "look" - like your rude co-worker.
(yes, I still think she was rude, she could have said, I'm not really in the mood for chatting about me, so let's just eat) Instead she got all huffy-puffy.
This isn't about YOU not being good enough, so don't FEEL bad for trying. Just KNOW when to quit.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2015): OP here,
I appreciate the responses and the advice given. But what I'm concluding is that this is the first and last time that I should try. Is it to say that there is no point in trying to develop something outside of the workplace?
Moreover, engage in the scenario that, should things continue to sour, I will still see her every now and again. We do work together after all - although seldomly.
I'll admit the fact that I am less than confident. I have other courtships, but I find it difficult to sustain confidence outside of environments that enable me to be myself (e.g., uni, work). I'm working through issues in relation to clinical depression, which has led to deterioration in other places, but I digress.
Sure. If she does not want to know me as I do her, I'm fine with that. I respect those boundaries and I continue the way I was before. But that surely doesn't mean I shouldn't try.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 February 2015):
Having worked as a bartender for years, MANY female bartenders will be giddy and flirty at work - it's a facade. And flirting with your co-workers is MUCH "safer" then flirting with customers, because many coworker will see it as banter (not real flirting) it's a way to make the bar-area a fun place for customers/bartenders. And someone who seem happy to BE there and working, DO get better tips than the grumpy bartender who gives people the stink-eye.
It's a FACADE. You took her flirty banter as she was into you, I don't think she is. And I think her attitude over "lunch" kind of showed that pretty clearly with her rude behavior. She was telling you in no uncertain terms that HER private life... is not of your business.
I would ignore this one "rudeness" but I would ALSO respect the fact that she IS NOT interested in getting to know you or you getting to know her.
The nightclub I worked at was mainly staffed by female bartenders, but we would have males rotating around the bars (we had 5 bars in the club) and they were ALWAYS full of fun and games, but it was JUST banter, like the women.
So accent, the "flirting" is NOT because she is interested, it's to BOOST her self image to costumers to increase tips and maybe have them come back.
...............................
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (22 February 2015):
Sounds like she wants to keep it light and isn't interested in getting to know you as a friend or otherwise.
Or perhaps, because as you say she is very attractive, she has had men hit on her before at work and doesn't like it (and don't say it wasn't obvious to her that you are interested in her.)
It is possible she wants to keep all work relationships professional. I think the joking around part applies in this situation because it is a bar and bars are supposed to be fun. Creating a lively atmosphere is part of the job as a staff member.
Pay attention as to whether that may be the case, because if those are her boundaries it is important to respect them.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2015): Hi, OP here.
The thing is though, she not in a bad mood at all. In fact, she continued to be playful with other co-worker(s) later on. After that huge knock on my confidence, I changed up my attitude and approach, and we were back to some playfulness.
I don't think she would respond particularly well to being blunt. She doesn't take herself, let alone anyone else, very seriously, and seems to just want to have fun. Especially at work. But anything worth engaging in serious discussion - as I found out - falls on deaf ears.
I am thinking that she wants more statements than questions, assertion over hesitation. I am not particularly that kind of person. At least not yet. But I understand that I can turn this negative into a positive.
Just not exactly sure how.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 February 2015):
 I totally feel your pain, and that's tough when you have a crush on someone, and their moods and conversation can make or break you!
She was probably having a bad night, and of course, most likely oblivious to the fact that you're interested in her as more than a friend...and trust me, you are. I can almost smell the pheromones through my computer! heh.
You did the right thing by backing off when she snapped, and you ended it on a softer note, which was good!
You could take this a few ways. Some ways are definitely riskier than the other way. I'll number them, so you may want to consider a blend of a few of these ideas.
1. Ignore her rudeness the same way you'd ignore someone who passes gas in an elevator. Continue on the next time you see her as if she had a bad night and talk to her as usual. It could have had nothing to do with you and been something in her personal life, or hormonal, or whatever. It would be a problem if it became a pattern of rudeness.
2. Distance yourself. I don't know about you, but rudeness is off-putting. She could have merely asked "Why so many questions?" without the attitude. People who treat other people the way you described, even if they're not interested, I find not cool to hang out with. How she treats people should be a factor in your interest of them.
3. Be blunt with her. Tell her you were asking these questions because you want to get to know her better. No embarrassment, no apology. Just confidence in yourself that you are worth getting to know as well and that she's lucky you're interested in her.
4. Be REALLY blunt with her. I don't recommend this option unless her behavior turned you off, OR if you just want to go for broke and find out if she's interested in you. YOu could either say to her, "Listen, the other night, I asked you about yourself because I am interested in you. Would you like to go out sometime?" or "Listen, the other night, I was asking you about yourself because I was interested in you. That stopped the moment you blew me off. Message received." You may not want that now, but if she continues to be rude to you, OR if she warms up to you, it could lead to these being an endgame. I suggest playing a long game.
Don't take her personally. I know that's hard, but to someone with a secret crush, every word she says and the inflection in which she says them can send you into the stratosphere or make you feel 2-inches high. You don't want to be there. Disconnect a bit, take a breath, and remember, her snapping was about HER, not you. Don't take it to heart unless she keeps being snappy.
...............................
|
