A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, I'm between a rock and a hard place. Not to blow my own horn, but I'm one of those annoying smart people; I consider myself well read, knowledgeable, and (I'll admit it) I'm a pain in the ass when it comes to debating. I thrive on information and I love any opportunity to further myself.And then there's the boy. He's a charming guy, generous, kind and loving, he's wonderful to live with... But he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Initially he found me quite intimidating, but now he's relaxed enough to stop and ask me explain things I've said when he doesn't understand. All that is peachy. Here's where the problem comes in.He doesn't challenge me. Yes, I hear your eyes rolling, but hear me out. Intelligence is something I highly prize in a partner, and the boy seems to be lacking just a bit. I find myself aching for interaction and practically drooling over heated discussions lately.But I can't bring myself to leave him simply because he's not the brightest crayon in the box; I'm not that shallow, and I know how much it would hurt him. He's by far the kindest man with which I've been involved and I love how he treats me... But I know sooner or later I'm going to snap and say many, many things I'll regret or even worse, cheat on him.Help? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, timorous  +, writes (31 October 2008):
well, for a twenty-something man who's dating a woman of superior intellect, your post was fascinating. in it you express my greatest fear--that she (girlfriend) is secretly holding her intelligence back when around me. i fear that she doesn't think i'm a worthy discussion partner, but doesn't want to hurt my feelings. now this may be my insecurities speaking, but seeing primary source evidence from a woman, yourself, who is probably in the same situation my girlfriend is in, i find this troubling.
i don't have a whole lot of advice, other than to say that it is agonizing for a man to condescended upon in such a way. if you don't think he can challenge you intellectually, you need to make some sort of change in the relationship. if you want to continue, you'll need to start treating him like an equal, otherwise he'll get really resentful. but in my opinion, an important sustaining force in a relationship is to have thoughtful discussions with your significant other, so if you feel this is difficult or strained, i suggest you get out of the relationship very tactfully. honesty in this case just will not do. breaking up with a man by telling him he's not smart enough for you seems unimaginably devastating for the guy. i suggest you find some other excuse.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008): hi
cheat on him maybe! hmmmm would this be with your body or your mind i wonder?
intelligence is one thing but wisdom is another and you may find it not a wise move to throw away an otherwise good relationship all for a challenge. you can find everyday challenges where you can use your mind and you of all smart arses should know this. some times a rest is good unless you are one of those annoying smart people who have to constantly chew peoples ears off telling them how much you know. ( don't talk! do!)then talk. now if you had said he was deliberately holding you back and not letting you grow i would have a different opinion, but all i see is a guy who supports you, is kind to you, charming, generous and above all listens! he may well not be the brightest crayon in your box but he paints a good picture for me however you who openly admits to been a pain in the butt paints a different picture. head is good but please don't forget heart, because believe me two people rattling on about how well read they are, can get pretty boring its bad enough listening to one, try in your quite time with your boyfriend who supports you,to write your own book, this is a challenge knows he may even be able to inspire you if you listen to what he knows. it's alright reading other peoples books and absorbing their knowledge go for the bigger challenge gather your own knowledge. you see there are other challenges outside relationships that can stimulate your mind and your boyfriend has already helped you by frustrating you ( some of man's greatest achievements are born of his frustrations) bet you haven't read that one? smart arse. good luck!
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A
female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (13 July 2008):
 FinnMcCool, I have to disagree with you.
A person in a relationship that only cares what they want and never what the person wants, then the person is utterly selfish and not worth the time. Compromising is vital in a ralationship because you can never find someone who's 100% compatable with you. There will be always something that will be different with the two people, even in the simplest by liking two different colors.
If she only cares of what she wants and what she needs, the guy will probably just dump her because of that and see her as an immature, selfish woman. Of course a person needs to look for their own interest, but along that comes compromising from the other person. A person cannot get everything whenever they want.
And the anonymous asker here, you can do whatever you want here. You can listen to anoyone here and follow their advice or follow your own, but hopefully whatever you do will be for the better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): Na, don't listen to the others here - what YOU want and need is important - nay vital - to a relationship. Don't compromise. Why the hell should you?
The guy you want IS out there. It may take a while but in the end you'll say that you're glad you didn't settle for second best when it comes to compatibility.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (13 July 2008):
 You want Mr Perfect? Sure, why not. If you are Mrs Perfect.
Granted, it all depends on how far removed from your ideal he is. Dumb as shit or perhaps just not as intelligent as you?
After all, if you feel you can never talk to him then life might be a bit boring. But if it just means that you will have to simplify your discussions a little bit, is that really such a big issue?
You got a choice to make, him and perhaps not having stimulating discussions every night OR dumb him and never find a guy who will treat you good ever again. Or worse, you might find a guy who treats you bad and think you are dumb.
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A
female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (13 July 2008):
I know many people would like an intelligent person to be with, but intelligence shouldn't be the top aspect of that person. Kindness, communication, and understanding should be, and your boyfriend is kind and at least tries to communicate and understand you.
What's worth a conversation where you can prove your intelligence and grow more in mind when you could have a meaningful conversation where you get to know the person and where you get to share your feelings and thoughts like you never did with anyone? You could argue with anybody about anything, but you cannot talk in depth about yourself with just anybody.
Now your boyfriend is special. Not many people like to feel more stupid than their partner and him asking you to explain things for you is worth something...specially when society teaches that guys should be the "smarter" in the relationship. You said it yourself, based on the things that describe him makes him sound a keeper.
You never mentioned any sort of immatureness or rudeness to you. You never mentioned any sort of lack of communication, just that he can't conversate about subjects like you do with other people. Now, in most relationships, conversations don't go about the theory of something or your opinion about some country's policies. Conversations in a relationship go on "how was your day?" or "why do you feel upset?".
Really think this through cause, I'm sorry, but you did sound shallow when you mentioned cheating on him just because he's not on par with your intelligence. If you want him to be more intelligent, then teach him stuff! And the good thing here is that he sounds like he wants to learn. If you want to make an "intelligent" conversation with someone, there are man MANY forums out here in the internet that are solely for that purpose.
This guy is a keeper by the way you described him, so why dump him because he's not as smart as you want him to? Would you dump him for a guy that is as smart, or smarter, than you but will treat you like crap because you can't get any smarter?
Please make a good decision about this and if you're as smart as you say you are, you'll see through this with a good character. May your decision help you further. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008): I am on the same page. I am exactly the same.This is how I see it: Different people need different qualities in their partner. Not every person is an intellectual so many don't need that sort of stimulus. But it is quite obvious that intellect is as important if not more important to you like some other factors in the relationship, such as sex, common interests, etc. This guy might just be a wonderful friend to have. If you break it off with him, of course, it will be painful. Just be honest. Don't tell him he is not smart enough. Maybe phrase it as you just don't have enough in common to be lovers but you value him so much as a person and friend and hope you can remain friends.I've been where you are, never living with the person but being seriously involved. It is not an easy thing but it can't be ignored and unless you value the other qualities of the relationship over the fact he is not intellectually stimulating, it is already over...its just a matter of making it official.
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