A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:This is going to be a long post. I appreciate honest and helpful replies. In the past I posted extensively on here believing that my fiancee was up to no good etc etc. I now strongly believe that I was so wrong. There were no signs of it in her behaviour towards me and she has had a lot of chances to up and leave me.OK, now to move on to the issues. The first one is obvious: INSECURITY1. Insecurity: how can I deal with this? Here's the issue, I hate the way she is constantly chatting to one of her coworkers. This is a married man whose wife is pregnant. Apparently on their recent tour together to the Maldives, he was playing around with young women on the tour...this kind of sleaze is a problem for me - I don't want her to associate with him. But they seem to have a friendship that goes back a couple of years. Subsequently, it is very difficult for me to trust her sometimes as I fear that she is hanging out with him (usually not the case). They share the same tour routes from time to time. She showed a photo of her in the plane on their last overseas trip and he was sitting at the back of the plane nowhere near her.I don't like how they constantly chat on the computer. It's work stuff but it really annoys me.About our relationship? Fine! Things have been getting better and she is appreciating me more and more. Actually she crowds me in bed of a night now - likes to sleep up against me. Enjoys my company when I sit around next to her of an evening reading or studying Chinese. We enjoy healthy levels of intimacy too.So, I guess dealing with this sleaze is something I have to come to terms with. I'll be the first to admit I'm a bit clingy sometimes too. I let her run off to visit her friends but whenever she's going away (even for just 1 night) I do miss her.Eg. Today she was supposed to come home after her driving lessons for a few hrs before she takes off to the neighbouring city for her tours. Lo and behold her friends invited her out so she'll be home in time to pack and leave...pretty much rang me to say 'i'll see you tomorrow night..bb'. I'm letting her get away with it because it's only 1 night and she hasn't seen her friends in a while (they've been overseas on their tours) and I know she will be making the permanent move to my home country with me in a couple of months time.2. The second problem is in the bedroom department. Lately I've noticed I run out of energy too quickly...sometimes needing to finish outside. I know this must be making my partner feel dejected. I'm trying to improve my diet and exercise more to fix this problem?3. The tension point: if I ask my fiancee where she is going, she nearly always gets defensive and says I don't trust her. Today she told me she was going to meet her friend (gave the name). I was ok with that. We lied on the bed and slept for a short while before her friend called and she jumped up - was being nice to me. I simply asked, where are you going with your friend (because I heard them mention a part of the city that is a fair way away from our home)? And recieved a small hit up the earhole and yelling at me that I don't trust her - she started acting all high and mighty until she saw me unhappy. Ugh! I was asking a simple question of where she was going...I wasn't asking in an accusatory way. Really what is wrong with asking your partner where they are going??When I recieve this kind of nasty behaviour from her, I end up confused as to whether something really is going on :-/ Hence the same problem keeps surfacing - she's nice to me most of the time but as soon as I ask where she's going ... she snaps! Suddenly I'm being untrusting!I don't understand what is wrong with wanting to know what's going on. Another example before Christmas: she went out to a place in the outer districts to meet a friend to discuss stocks. She didn't tell me at first - I rang her to say hi and she cut me off and said she was busy with a friend. I had a bad gut feeling, called her back and she attacked me...saying she was in the middle of the city having coffee with a friend and again hung up on me. I left it at that but copped the third degree when I got home - I was interrupting her 'important meeting'. Yes I'm in the wrong for calling her at an inopportune time, but I also wonder why she couldn't just say, 'i'm meeting with a friend abotu stocks talk to you later bb'. Would you be happy if your fiancee told you she was off 'having coffee somewhere in the town'...? Of course not!Those chat transcripts from the computer show that she has been communicating a lot with this guy, calling him and talking almost daily about their work stuff. They talk about the next tour together overseas (they're trying to get to Taiwan) and they're even sharing the same group to the nearby city overnight. Mind you, I trust my fiancee but just don't like that creep near her (yeah I know she can defend herself). I really hate how they communicate so often (they even briefly exchanged an online message after we got back from a meeting with her tourists - they invited us to dinner).All I really ask for is a relationship in which all our movements etc. aren't being aired to a third party on the side! Talk with her female friends? Not a problem. But chatting away to a player of all people is just pushing the envelope a little too far. That arrogant bastard had a hide to say to me over dinner before they left for the Maldives, 'oh, so I guess you will be calling me every night asking where ..... is'. I just tried to laugh it off and maintain my composure so that she didn't lose face in front of her other friend. He did make a weak effort to congratulate us on marrying at the end of the year and talked about his pregnant wife and their firstborn child. But who can take a weirdo like that seriously when they mention crap like 'buying adult toys for our sex life' etc? The same weirdo that sleeps with underage girls on tour. I want to know why he would say that to my fiancee?It seems like they share a kind of 'mutual friendship'. I just really hope that after all of this, I don't find out that I have been tricked and lied to. I did some searching online at other people's scenarios and I can say with certainty that no suggestive words/texts have been said from either of them (last year he did get a bit over the top with the remarks like 'is that boy to sleep yet...why aren't you wearing your sexy clothes?' -- yeah I hit the roof and started packing the bags when I saw that...it took a long discussion and a lot of time for me to see that nothing was going on and he was the one making all the comments). About the worst that I know of is her meeting one on one during work hours with him for lunch to celebrate her birthday (she told me about it when she came home that evening).BUT it feels intrusive to have a stranger able to eat into the time that we should be spending together. I don't talk online to many friends. I will say that I was friends with a player for a while (what he did was his business, but I grew tired of his crap and got rid of him - it's not good to hang out with that kind of crowd).OK That just about sums up where I am at. I just hope things work out ok. I love her a lot but at the same time don't like her hanging around this weirdo and calling/chatting to him - esp. after the smartass things he has said.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): I responded to you many times in your previous posts.I don't think you are 'insecure'. I think you are just afraid that you have been right all along.Whether your gf has/had an affair with the married man, whether her friends take preference over you, whether she is just using you:- actually I do not know her, her character or whether she is trustworthy.What I do know is that your thoughts and emotions are driving you crazy. She seems to be a control freak. She crosses boundaries. She is her own person and doesn't want you to cramp her style.Think very carefully before you opt to marry her. I forsee lot of heartache ( for you!)Your gf has a wild (?) side to her. She is too much of a party girl.You do not know what she gets up to when she goes on tours. She is almost always with the married man anyways. Too close for comfort???Do your homework man. Something is amiss.Too many coincidences or are there merit in your unease?LoveGirl
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): Although I don't necessarily agree with her actions you should realize one thing. Your going down a path that gets darker and your not holding a flashlight.Be honest with her about your insecurity and what makes you insecure. After that, try to see a therapist about the insecurity issues you have. It's never good to be insecure, but it's also no good being completely naive and ignorant. See if she's willing to cut out people you deem to be a poor influence or no good. Or perhaps make you feel more comfortable about it.... Many times issues like this cause the person being accused to actually lie or do things intentionally since they are already being accused of it. Then you'll feel neglected and think since she's cheating you should too. That's when things can get really ugly....In my experience this goes two ways:1) she continues getting mad/angry over your insecurity and things get worse and she breaks up with you....2) you accept the fact she hangs out with these people and suck it up Either way you'll have to sacrifice something or she will.If she's not willing to compromise and you simply can't accept this fact it's best you find out if she's really the one...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): if i was in your place i would go ahead and tell her that I was unsecure and that you do not like all that is happning around and you do not havbe a good gut around this and we should wait a wile to get married till she makes you fully secure.
The way it looks is that she has more authority over you, i do not know which country you are from and if this kind of shit happens in your home country you shall be paying for Divorce and alamony
Either get a pre nup or just be sure before you fully commit.
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