A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:The following may seem wierd and overhyped but it's just a small part of my life which I need help in, and I have given everything you need to know in detail (thats why so long) so that no wrong opinions and conculsions are there...it's long but if you have time please read because I desperately need help...I broke up with my ex girlfriend 6 months ago but I'm still insecure about many things...we broke up mainly due to my insecurity and her frustration...we are now friends and its extremely hard...im depressed all day and waste my time and dont know how to pass it...ive lost interest in life and concentration in anything I do...i was never like this before (i mean insecurity) but some incidents triggered them...me and my ex argue a lot still and we want to clear our issues and I desperately want to clear my problems...to understand clearly u need to hear the whole story...so i wrote it (yes i need help so much)...its long but for ur reading ease i divided it into parts...please help me...ive become desperate...ive decided to undergo psychiatric treatment to save whatever relationship we have left...Beginning - How we met (January 25th 2008 to February end 2008): I was very good friends with this guy, say B, who is one year junior to me at school. We had been friends for about 4 years. His best friend was a girl, say A, in his class. They had been best friends since they were two year olds, for 14 years. I had seen them many times before, but never payed attention to her much. From what I heard many times was that they were going out, and I believed what people said, even though my friend, B, always denied. However I never took it seriously and later succumbed and thought it to be a rumour. Well one day there was a concert in our town and I asked B for tickets. He asked A if she had any and she did and we got them. On the social networking site Netlog she was in my friends list as she was a friend of a friend. So I thanked her. We exchanged few lines and eventually added eachother up on GoogleTalk. This was late January 2008. We chatted a lot. And eventually moved onto phone calls within the 1st 2 weeks of chatting, in early February. We talked endlessly. Hours a day and just to say good morning and good night too. We sometimes talked all night in hiding. We had everything freakishly in common. Food, music, movies, TV, everything. Very few differences, which we could surpass. And most importantly is that we believed in commitment in relationships. Both of us. Both of us wanted to get married when we grow up and live a nice life. We met up few times and by the end of Feb I was in love with her.Love and Me Leaving for Canada and friendship (February end to March 20th 2008) : She was the 1st girl I ever touched or hugged. Nothing sexual though. In the meantime my friend B and I were still very good friends. A, B and me hung out a lot. It was perfect. They really were 'physically interactive' but again not sexually. I noticed but never thought too much into it. She took piggyback rides from him, hugged him for long times, wrestled and tickled him. I never was so physically interactive with her but I did hug her one or two times and we tickled eachother often. She had many guy friends and even a friend C whom she met online and talked on the phone with often and even met him in person many times. I noticed she had many more guy friends than gal friends but never minded it. I must also add that she broke up with her ex arnd the end of February. They were in a relationship for 2 years and I helped make her forget it. In the middle of March I had to go to Canada to visit my parents (we live in India by the way). This was supposed to be for 2 and half months. I was devastated as I had never contemplated the fact of being away from her. We had an emotional farewell where we clung to eachother for a long time. It was evident we loved eachother. However none of us expressed our feelings. We promised to write eachother long mails.Canada and the time without insecurity (March 20th to beginning May 2008) : When I went to Canada my father noticed that I had become moody and defensive within the first few days. We had a row and I expressed my feelings to A via email. She replied saying she loved me too. It was the time of my life. In the meantime I told my dad and he said if I wouldve waited 1 more year till my class 12 finished it wouldve been better. A and I exchanged very long mails, chatted and video chatted. My father thought it was too much and imposed internet usage restrictions on me. I felt pretty bad. I wanted to be with her and keep my promise. I wanted to show her how much I cared. I wanted to give her all the attention I could give her. I also needed her too. I started breaking the restrictions. I snuck the lappy into the bathroom (clean don't worry :D) and chatted with her. I walked 45-60 mins every few days to the library to use the internet facilities. Whatever pocket money was given to me to eat I saved up to buy calling cards to call her and to buy her a lovely gift for her birthday. I tried everything.Canada and the beginning of insecurity (beginning May to June 5th 2008) : One day I received a mail saying "B loves to smell my hair so we sit back and front hours at a time so that he can smell my hair. He also forces me too shampoo sometimes." The thing is I used to love smelling her hair. She let me smell it sometimes for 1-2 mins. I felt very hurt that she could do something with B. It was something special between us. I felt devastated. I was doing a lot to make sure she never even felt that we were in a long distance relationship. Soon she wrote "B was supposed to sleep over today but it got cancelled because of some problem". She repeated these on the phone. I started suffocating. Losing concentration. Never thought straight. I became a bit paranoid. She mentioned him so much. She was with him at least 5 hours a day in person and few more on phone and chat. I felt unloved. I couldn't stand it. I still didn't express my feelings. I decided to wait and see if things get better when I went back to India. However I had no other problem. She was being very supportive and I felt good. But I never could get over the grief of hearing those sentences. I really started suffering. And for the most of the end of May and beginning of June I was totally depressed. It was at traumatic wait. I cried myself to sleep many days but still had loads of hope. I still loved her like anything. We were so far apart. I wrote poems for her and bought her loads of gifts. I also must mention that a new person, D had entered her life. Her physics private tutor. She used to say that he used to stare at her often and sometimes said some things which indicated flirting. I just said to be careful and to tell her parents.India and the beginning of our physical presence as a couple (June 5th to September 20th 2008) : I came back to India on June 5. My grandparents were under strict orders not to let me use the phone much. So me and A couldn't talk much. I visited her as much as I could. I met her at B's house and we used to go for walks together. I used to go out to meet her telling my grandparents I had tuition. But we barely met more than 1 hour a day (many days 2 hours) and barely talked more than 10-15 mins (unless I managed something). When I called her up one day she was returning from tuition with B. She then told B that she would go to his house at 1 PM. I felt sort of sick. She had spent 1 and half hours with him in the car to go to tuition (far away) and the she said she would visit him in the afternoon. And here, being her boyfriend I barely spend 1 and half hours with her a day. I broke down and expressed my feelings to her. She said she had known him for 14 years and it was wierd of me to think of it as something more than friendship. I felt even worse because she didn't understand. We had few talks about this and then she agreed. She said she would limit it. However to me that limit didn't work. She still talked to him for long times and met him up. Even if it was for a while I would feel bad. And then I started getting paranoid about things I never noticed before. How she talked to C (the person she met online) so much. She even once told me "I will call you back" while she was talking to me when she got a call from C. I asked myself "I barely get to spend time with her in a day and she hangs up on me". I became mad. I started noticing how she always used to hang out with guys only and talk to guys only. I rarely had seen her with a girl. I got paranoid. I told her about it. Shouted. Maybe forced. She started hanging out with guys less and less. We did come up with an agreement that she would meet B once a week but that didnt last long. I again got paranoid and felt left out. Why did they need to be alone I thought. Then we agreed that I wouldnt call up A when she and B were in the car to tuition (1 and half hours). This agreement was more or less kept. By the beginning of July her contact with most guy friends stopped. I still was paranoid. Even if she talked to classmates for few mins I'd get sad. She started stopping these small things too. Just for me. However I must add that apart from this issue we were perfect. We were happy and started spending many hours together a day (after restrictions eased within a few weeks). I gave her all I could. All attention I could. I surprised her. She even gifted me a cellphone so we could talk. She was happy in the beginning. However she started getting frustarted. She would feel scared to talk on the phone because I'd start asking her questions. She was suffocating. I never realised :(. She never told me initially. And when she did all I did was get emotional again and think she didn't love me. Somehow she got this wrong impression that I was preventing her from having gal friends too. I never said that rather encouraged her. Soon she started lying to me and asked B to come over secretly without telling me (i found out much later, after we broke up). We did try to reach compromises but they really were never compromises. Always I would try to get my way. In September we had a HUGE fight. It was so huge and I cried like anything. She was about to leave me. I became suicidal that day. Still she said she wanted to leave me. She said I should have no problem with B and her being friends. I succumbed. Apologised. And begged her to give me another chance. She did. Few days later I had to go to Canada again to visit my parents, for one month. This was September end. I tried my best to show that I was normal with B and her. Even if i felt bad I still invited him over to her house to spend sometime with us. I hid my feelings.Canada again and the drift (September 25th to October 20th 2008) i went to Canada. Now recently D (the physics tutor) was a bit of a problem to me. I felt he was hitting on her. But later i thought perhaps of my insecurity i thought so. However one day while I was online in Canada A said she was on the whole day just to chat with me. So once when I got time I went to chat with her but she wasn't online. I was a bit surprised and so I went to her account (yes we had eachothers passwords) to see if she said bye to anyone she chatted with. This was the 1st time I ever went to chat history. What I found was an intimate chat with D, where they chatted like they were practically very close and even mentioned hugging eachother. I was shocked. Again paranoid. I didn't get it. I gave her the freedom she wanted so that means she could do everything/anything she liked? When she came back online I confronted her. I asked what was that. And used bold letters to emphasise hurt and anger. I couldn't swallow, My heart was beating and found it difficult to breathe. For 40-45 minutes she said sweet words and PROMISED never to be so intimate with anyone again and shed stop being friends with revanth. This was on October 3rd by the way. Throughout the chat i said I'd never forgive her. But I did. At the end. But my intense paranoia started again. I found it hard to hide my feelings again. She again mentioned her and B few times. The problem was if she did mention someone it was mostly B, as if he was the only one in her life. I read her previous chats with B. I found few shocking things. I felt worse. i confronted her. She cried and said why I was questioning her. In the meantime I did everything I could to make her happy otherwise. One day we went on vacation to the rocky mountains. At 4am in the morning i went out for a walk (thats what I told my parents) to take pics. I called A up (she even saved up money for me so that I can buy calling cards ... we both did). It was -12C temperature. Suddenly she said she was waiting for B to come as theyd go for a walk. I couldn't stand it. Again B. B B B B B. It was always B. I said we had to breakup. I told her I loved her. I hung up. I went back to the hotel but as soon as i entered I felt ashamed at what I did. I was angry. Not thinking straight. How can I do this? I left again around 7am to call her up. To say sorry and ask for forgiveness. She said she'd think. She said she went through a lot of trauma the past 3 hours. I said ok. In the meantime I bought her gifts. Throughout mid-October I was in Canada but she was adamant and wouldn't forgive me.India and the disaster (October 25th to November middle) I went back on the 23rd. I went to meet her. It was awkward. As if we were two people who barely knew eachother. We smiled but both of us were fake perhaps. I spent a day with her. She requested me that she needed a break. For about 6 months, "to get used to my ways". I was reluctant at first. But agreed. She said that I should try to hang out with her less for the next 6 months and try to be friends. I said id try. However I felt she was pushing me away. Once I rebuked her at night and felt bad. I went to her in the morning and she said "please try to get away from me". I felt devasted. I could never in my life imagined SHE could say that. But then I never in my life imagined I would turn this way. One day we were talking near her house. She was in tears. She said I'm not trying to get away from her. I said I loved her and if I love her the solution was not to get away from her rather to help her. I said I would help her by being there. She said she didnt need my help. She said few other stupid things and I said "What are you talking about. Do you know what youre saying. Ill slap you back to your senses". She said "I'm not taking any slaps from you". But i slapped her. I did. Even i cant believe it. Pretty hard too. Perhaps it sounds weird but we did slap eachother before but for fun, while giving punishment for small things. It is normal between us. But not like this. No excuses. She said "If you love me then leave". I did. I went to B to say what I did and that I need to fix things up immediately. He gave me shocking news. THAT D WAS DOING MY JOB. D had given her a cellphone to talk to him with. A private phone to her. So that they could talk. He was acting as a makeshift boyfriend he said. I was shocked. I didn't know what to say. I called up A to say that forget about the break. We're breaking up. I said many things I now regret saying. She broke a promise about not being friends with D and she lied to me. She even lied to me in August I heard. She invited B over without telling me. For 3-4 days we werent in contact. I called her up one day to say sorry. We talked normally and decided to be friends. She said she didn't regret taking the phone from D and he had been an excellent friend. My heart was the heaviest in my life. We tried being friends from October 28th to Nov 7th (we broke up Oct 25). However when I went to her house I saw two phones lying there. One her normal phone and one the one she used to talk to D with. I was shocked. Even more heartbroken. She didn't even regret it and say sorry. I snatched the phone from her and showed her mom. She said shed talk to A about it. A later said what I did was fine. Howveer when I went to her house once I found D calling her on her normal phone. I left. And didn't talk to her till Dec 10th. Around November 21st I went to A's house to return a book. I found D there. I cried all the way to a friends house to seek comfort. Also from a person who knows D I heard many things about him and also that he had spoken of A sexually before. He said many inappropriate things about her. I told A. She believed me at 1st. But then I don't know what happened. She still continued friendship. I didnt have enough evidence and perhaps she didnt believe me. I tried to forget her. But never could forget them.Intervals of friendship (december 10th 2008 to present) On Dec 10th what happened was B spread rumours that we were sexually active, A and me that is. It spread. Few things were partially true (when i was extrememly upset on Oct 25th when B told me about A and D I told him without thinking we did do few things but never sex). He told few people. And it spread. I told A. She couldn't believe it. She said she'd never talk to B again. We became friends A and me. However whenver I visited A i would try to get close to her and hug and perhaps kiss her and she didnt like it. We had few arguments and then again broke the friendship on December 29th. I found D going to her house one day. Again my heart was heavy. The whole of Janurary was depressing. We both did terrible on exams. I found B and A had again become friends and still intimate. I found them hugging in the badminton court of school. I wept myself to sleep that day, yet again. In the middle of February, 2 weeks before my Class 12 Board exams we became friends again. We couldn't be apart. She missed me and I missed her. However again I found her talking with D and I left again around Feb 21. I didnt reply to her sms's after that. I didn't pick up her calls. I had exams and needed to concentrate. I saw her and D a day before my mathematics exam. I lost all concentration that I had. I messed it up (i expected 95-100 but i doubt i'll get 90+, we both are good students). I couldnt concentrate for a week. I messed up my computer science exam too. I had my college entrance exams after that. On April 12th I had IIT JEE (an exam given by 400,000 students across India). I saw her and B on April 1st. Walking. I couldnt concentrate till the 7th or 8th. No studies. I saw them again on April 13th. I couldnt study till the 17th or 18th. I had WBJEE on April 19th (100,000 students). On 26th Apr I had AIEEE (1,000,000 students...believe me...google it if u want). However I feared going out. I didn't want to see her and B or her and D. I didn't go out the days I expected them to go out. I avoived the places near her house as much as possible. If i did see them I'd lose a week of my life. Then on April 24th she mailed me and I replied. We continued our friendship till now. I can't live without her. It's the truth.Summary of Our Relationship : What I have written is most of the bad stuff. If I wouldve written the good stuff this mail would be 5 times longer. We were great as a couple. Only one problem. This insecurity and the fact that she had mainly guy friends. We had great times. We are two extroverts. We are really gregarious people who talk a lot. We are fun loving. And have many many many things in common. W have great families and are from well educated backgrounds. We both are good in studies and are more or less pretty intelligent. And we both are pretty popular in school and outside it. Just because of this one difference our relationship was ruined. I love her a lot. I still love her like anything. I can do anything for her. We are really perfect for eachother but this one problem. We desperately need a solution. We are really free with eachother. I express my feelings and she expresses hers. Even I forwarded the previous mails and I will forward this mail to her. I have nothing to hide from her. Please don't assume us to be incompatible just because of all the problems I wrote. Perhaps we are now because of that. But if we can sort this out it would be great. We both want this problem resolved. I must also add that few days back I met her ex boyfriend (the one before me). He said he broke up with her because he didn't like the relationship A and B shared. I was shocked when I heard this. I felt as if I wasn't alone. Many of my friends told me that I didn't feel wrong but somehow never felt as good hearing that than this.The problems we have now : We both want our problems resolved, as I said. But when we start talking about it we get into an ugly argument. We put eachother to blame. Defend ourselves. Never willing to compromise anything. I am willing to compromise but she won't move one inch. We can never have 5 minutes of a mature conversation. She blames me. I blame her. We point fingers. The problem is ever since we have become friends my life has been like a pendulum. Sometimes elated sometimes depressed. I think the same can be said about her. Not sure. Happiness is accompanied by pain. Nothing can be done. Anyways. I still feel the same way I used to feel when I was first insecure when I see her with B, hear her with B. I suffocate. I'm depressed. I can't study. I have an exam in 4 days and I can't concentrate. When we had our 1st argument. She defended all her friendships, with B, C and D. I wrote her a mail expressing my feelings. She said what I felt was wrong. She outright said that. She said she wasn't my girlfriend anymore so I couldn't request the things I requested. I requested her to stop contact with C and D and to try to limit physical contact with B. She said it was absurd and I'm not supposed to feel this way. Even I know I'm not supposd to feel this way but what am I supposed to do? It's my feeling. I can't get over it. And she's not willing to compromise anything. I succumbed and said she will get whatever she wants. However I'm suffocating like anything. I'm depressed and I have to hide these feelings in me when I talk to her. If I didn't she'd say I shouldn't feel this way and that I'm not trying. Then I'll feel she doesn't want to talk to me. I feel she always puts me to blame. How can I get over these feelings? She says that whatever I say is totally wrong, in these matters that is. And her friendship with D is right, according to her. I told her "you lied to me about it and it was the reason for the breakup then imagine how I would feel". She said that's the past and she doesn't regret being his friend and will not stop the friendship no matter what. She is so adamant. She said I should try to forget it. How can i? I asked her "he came into your life just 6 months ago and he is so important? You promised me too that you wouldnt be friends". She said that's the past. She questions my feelings always. She asks me "Why should u feel this way?". That question hurts me more than anything I guess. How am I supposed to answer? I am trying. But my word isn't going across. What I belive is that she should be able to compromise on the things whch she doesnt desperately need. I told her I'll manage to not be sad about her friendship with B. But please try and limit the physcal contact. She said what I was asking for is absurd. THEN PLEASE TELL ME WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? EVRYHTING I SAY IS ABSURD. EVERYTHING I FEEL IS ABSURD. EVERYTHING I REQUEST IS ABSURD. I am a human being. This frustration and pain is killing me and ruining my life. She doesn't bother about my feelings and my happiness. Am I wrong about everything? Perhaps that is true. I don't know. But I get the feeling I'm not always wrong and she just thinks that just because I'm insecure then whatevre I say is wrong. MY FEELINGS ARE COMPLETELY IGNORED. That's how i feel at least. Few days back A just suddenly told be that she hadn't talked to C or D for a long time. I was elated. I said "why didn't you tell me before? I'm so happy hearing it". For once I felt loved. I dont know why. Awkward I know but I did. Even though she didn't do it for me. She said I had no right to be happy about this and she still would continue the friendships. Then what am I supposed to be happy about? I cnt help it if this makes me feel good. She just does somethings just becaue she doesnt see anythign wrong in them. Well just because something is right doesnt mean u have to do it. I asked her to think of me. If it was right to put me in such pain. She again said I shouldnt feel this way. I feel more upset (if possible) I when hear this. She doesnt understand how I feel and she said she needs to see valid reasons. I give them to her but she always says its the past and/or I shouldnt feel this way. She says my feelings arent justified and my feelings are no reason to give up that friendship. I Understand. But is it worth it i asked? I mean youre defending it so much and youre putting me in pain. I agreed to A and B's friendship because they were friends for life. All I'm asking is to try and stop physical contact. A and me had something special. What she did with D was wrong and I believe she can stop it. She should. Also is A and B's friendship defined by physcial contact? Why can't she try not to cling to him. For me. Someone she says she cares about. She agreed to help me out through this problem. But honestly arguments and her being adamant doesnt help me. She always thinks that whatever she is doing is right, and wont stop even if it hurts me. Somethings i cannot change I know. In fact I cant chnage anything. But she can for me. Thats what upsets me. She's not willing to do that for me. No matter how hard i try to make her understand my feelings. Whether I am her boyfriend or not, I have feelings and she can do something for me at least. I also have always been emotional. But never this much. Ever since I read those mails in Canada I cry a lot. Way too much prhaps. Everyday nowadays. She has seen me cry so much that it doesn't matter to her much anymore. She doens't show the care she used to show. She just tells me to stop crying nowadays. I feel worse. Also I still am sensitive about many issues. Like I feel sad when she doesn't call at night when she said she would. Perhaps she fell asleep I know. But I still feel a bit bad. I try to think of her needs to but she acts as if she needs everything. Everything she has she needs it desperately. I know she doesn't because she has spent one months without them. Then I ask myself why is she doing this? Does my happiness mean nothing to her? She always says that she is never sexually in love or involved with anyone else. I always tell her that's not always the matter. Life is not only about sex. And cheating and being unfaithful isnt always about sex too. Lies are equally bad. She says her physcal contacts with B are never sexual but honestly that doesnt matter much to me. I just wish she would once think of my happiness.Final Words : I feel helpless. I'm wasting my time like anything. I have 2 exams coming up and have no prep whatsoever as of now. I feel continuous pain which goes away only when I'm talking to her normally. I love her a lot. And maybe I'm wrong about what I'm saying. But I can't ignore my feelings. I've decided to undergo psychiatric treatment. Then perhaps she won't feel so frustrated. I know I'm wrong about many things I say. But just because I'm insecure doenst mean I'm wrong in EVERYTHING I say. She treats it that way. She is also adamant way too much. But I love her. Whether I'm the boyfriend or not. I promised her before that I'll always get what she wants and I intend to keep that promise. Perhaps we can then prove ourselves wrong. About how we are. We can perhaps laugh at this one day. Laugh at terrible time we had. For now that scene is the one of the only things which brings my mood up :). We both are considerate people who are willing to sacrifice. Just that now she says that we're not in a relationship so it shouldnt work that way. But we both have promised not to give up till this problem is solved :).My Questions:1. Where am I right or wrong?2. What can I do to make things better? I think I should see a psychologist.3. What can she do to make things better?4. Where is she right or wrong and how do I make her understand?5. Is it justifiable that I have turned insecure due to those mails?6. If I don't take medication is it even remotely possible that I can get better?7. I know that I cannot tell her to do anything but what is your opinion on all this? I mean if she cared for me one bit at least she would do something on her own right?Please express your general opinions too. Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Who  +, writes (12 May 2009):
 "...it's long but if you have time please read..."
Well, sorry, I did not read the entire question. And a lot of what I did read I did not understand. But this question has been here 2 days without an answer so I'll take a crack anyway.
"I desperately need help...Please express your general opinions too."
It is my general opinion you do NOT desperately need help. You are quite capable of helping your self all you need. What you are going through is no different that almost all other young men go through, when they first get their heart broken really bad. Just look how many stories, songs and poems have been written about this, around the world and throughout history. And like all those other young men, both in real life and in stories/songs/poems, you are now faced with a choice. You can get over it and move on to the next girl, or you can let this eat at you from the inside until you are broken shell of a man. I advise the get-over-it choice.
"My Questions:..."
STFU with all the questions. No one else in the history of the earth has answered these questions, what makes you think you are going to get answers?
"If I don't take medication is it even remotely possible that I can get better?"
Medication will not make you better. Nothing repeat nothing mends a broken heart except time and finding the girl that is really right for you. You are young and you have time, although you don't believe it now. You also don't believe you will find the girl that is right for you. You will if you stop obsessing with this last girl, and snap out of it. You and only you can decide to snap out of it.
Good luck and hope this helps.
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