A
female
age
30-35,
*Bell
writes:First off, I never really realized it until now, but I am extremely insecure in relationships. I am not clingy or anything, or naggy, I just expect to be cheated on (maybe not physically, but emotionally...like he'll like someone more than me and be closer with them, but use me for whatever he can get) and I don't trust my partner as much as I should. Although I do let them do what they want, and don't vocalize my concern often; I just plan and worry about the worst happening. Maybe this would all be okay except he told me that he would always have feelings for his ex. (he didn't tell me this in a mean way, we were being honest with each other). He said that she was his first love and that you never truely get over those, but he likes me in a different way then he likes her. What worries me is that I can't understand this... I totally got over my first love, who I dated for a year and broke up with just a few months ago (who I did love very much, but he treated me badly). Apparently his first love treated him badly in that she never really liked him and they hardly even kissed! That was 3 years ago and they only dated for 4 months, so I don't understand. It's early in our relationship, so I'm not that worried for now, it's okay if he doesn't have complete feelings for me yet. But I would like to know that maybe if me and this guy dated for a year... would he be able to care about me more than he cares about this girl who never liked him and never kissed him then? Do you ever truely get over your first love? (I really feel like I have). And any information on how to stop being so insecure and feeling so inadequate all the time would be appriciated as well, I really don't want to ruin our relationship with these problems!!And he is fantastic, I have talked to him a little bit about how insecure I am, but not really about how much his ex bothers me (because talking won't change how he feels about her, and will just cause problems). So yes I have talked to him a little, if that was going to be one of the suggestions for ways to help. Thanks so much for your answers! :).
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (13 March 2010):
 "I just expect to be cheated on (maybe not physically, but emotionally...like he'll like someone more than me and be closer with them, but use me for whatever he can get) and I don't trust my partner as much as I should."
Forgive me for asking, and I don't mean to be rude, but sometimes when people feel like this it's because they have had a difficult childhood. Was your relationship with you mother and father ok. Did they love you and love each other.. Many children with divorced or fighting parents feel this way. Some children who have younger sisters or brothers also feel abandoned and left out. Your statement is leading me to wonder why you feel like this. It was be most helpful if you could update your post.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 March 2010):
Ok, there's a lot going on here. Sorry you had to wait so long for an answer, but there are no quick solutions to give you what you want.
First you are very young, many young people feel like you do. You are unsure about your place in the world, you criticize yourself harshly, you can't believe that your life will end up happily, you compare yourself with other people and you think your are inferior. All normal feelings, you lack confidence, I did, and many people do when they are young like you. Age and experience gives you more confidence, you learn to live with the way you are and accept yourself.
Do people forget their first love. You did, it was easy for you, I didn't, but the thoughts eventually went away as I got a new partner and discovered other things. People are all different, some remember, some forget, some care, some don't.
Of course he will like other people. He won't like them better, he'll just like them different. The same as when a mother has a new baby. She loves the new baby, but she loves her other children as well, she just loves them all different, because they are all different people. Do people love their mother or their dad, they love them both. Do you love your parents less because you now have a boyfriend? People can love many things at one time, love dosen't dry up, their is never a closed sign. Actually the more people you love, the better you get a giving love and treating people nice. Just like smiling, if you share them with the whole world the whole world gets happier.
Now if you mean will he leave you because he loves someone else, that I don't know. But people stay together because they want to. They stay as long as they are happy, they stay because they will be sad and miss you when you are gone. The happier he is, the more likely it is that he will stay. The same goes for you, if you become too unhappy you will leave him and find someone else.
You want to be number one in his eyes, and if your happy and you treat him right, then maybe this will happen. But it's not fair to expect him to forget everything else he's experienced, forget people he's known and loved. The experiences he has had in the past are what brought you both together. He dosen't love his ex enough, if he did he would still want to be with her. But he's not, he's with you. Stop worrying about what MAY happen, try to concentrate on happiness right now in the real world. If you worry and get sad, then he'll get sad and your relationship will fail. You would have pushed him away. Isn't it better to try to make each other happy, and maybe you'll stay happy and your love will grow strong.
There is no point worrying about the past, it's dead and gone. You can however worry about your present, make happiness here on earth. The future, well it hasn't happened yet. Be happy right now, and it's more likely you'll get the future you want.
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