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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Ok, I'm very insecure looks-wise. Media images mostly make me insecure, and porn. I know it's very plastic though.However, I just see how guys drool over actresses and porn. It's just fantasy they say. But I just get so down every time I see these over sexualized girls all over and I don't look like them. Sure, I'm not ugly, but I'm just an average, non-hot girl. Kinda chubby, yet not fat, but not porn material.My boyfriend says I'm hot and sexy, and beautiful, that that's why he first approached me. I know he also admires airbrushed perfection, but our sex life doesn't suffer as he gets very turned on by my body. He says media images are just ideals, and that those girls are paid to look like that, but that normal people don't look like that.However, I'm afraid. I've read so much how guys can become desensitized to normal women after such exposure to mainstram porn and sexy images (for instance http://www.oneangrygirl.net/Not_Tonight.html). I suffer because I feel as if I can't compete. I know how love is based on more important and deep connections, but I don't want just to be loved I want to be desired and feel sexy and confident too! I should, because my boyfriend acts attracted to me, and also worships my mind and talents, well my personality.I've discussed this with him. He gets mad, he says he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy and that's what counts. That it's not his fault that the media ideal is what it is (I've never blamed him though, he just gets defensive), and that he doesn't hear me complaining about him not being Brad Pitt so why should I be afraid that I don't look like a porn star? He says those girls are out of reach anyway, and that I'm here with him. However this makes me feel as if I'm just what's available and that he has to live with it. That if he met such a hot girl, he'd choose her for a relationship (no, I don't see them as mere objects, they're people too like me, only hotter, they have minds and all... did you know there are pornstars in the MENSA organization?). Let's say he's not very reassuring,even though that's his intention (tough love I guess), and sometimes too honest about hot girls on TV, he just tells me he draws the line between reality and fantasy and that he finds me hotter anyway 'cos he can have me. That they put overly hot people because it sells. That I have to deal with it. I just can't see myself as sexy, if the standard for sexy is so perfect. I believe the media portrayal of sexiness (for women anyway, I hate the standars for me, average does it for me when it comes to guys).I'm consumed by my body image insecurity, help me, what can I do? Not just thoughts to sink into my head like "he loves me because of my brains, he says I'm beautiful, 99% of the population look like me, beauty is in the eye of the beholder", but an actual plan of action. I'm gonna drive myself crazy trying to sink these ideas into my head; I compulsively read body image articles to no avail. Help me please! Or will I grow out of this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): Hi - not saying this is the answer but you may see yourself in a new light - I did. I went to one of these make-over type photography sessions for women (make sure you just select one print if you are on a tight budget as they can be pricey so find out first) but I tell you they made me look fantastic and in the process I had a great time being made-up and felt great. When I went back to view the results I was just staggered and I couldn't wait to show the man in my life what I can look like and it is a permanent reminder on the days my hair is greasy, I'm spotty and wearing a tracksuit around the house that I can look like a star. There is no shame in the way you feel - but its time you set yourself free and indulged a bit.
A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (7 February 2008):
 Hi,
I dont think you are odd at all. Its normal to feel these things when you are young. Most people, as they get older become more confidant with themselves, and to try and look at people in a magazine as less important.
I can also tell you, that I have worked in the fashion industry for many years, I also now do Photography. So I have mixed with lots of models, and I can honestly tell you, that they are not that great. Yes they are photogenic, and look great in pictures, but in real life they are not that hot. I have also made some dresses for (lap/pole) dancer's, that really showed a lot of flesh. You know what! not one of them liked showing anything when they wern't working. They were totally insecure about thier body's.
I could go on and on to tell you a hundred things as to why it shouldnt bother you, but you need to start believing in yourself.
There are prettier girls on the street than there are in
magazines, and films. Maybe they just dont take such a great photo, or are just a little to short to model the latest creation made for an abnormally thin girl. Or maybe they just dont want to have sex and get paid.
I am not knocking anyone in any of these industry's by the way, I am all for them. But we do need to understand that they are just doing a job.
You are a lucky girl, you have found a man that says your Gorgeous, and means it. Trust him in what he tells you.
XXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): Hi Hunny,
Take a step back hunny, Ive got two sons of 18 and 25 and they think oh yea these girls are ok to look at, But Ive overheard them talking and as they have gone through say the top 100 whatever sexiest girls well Id much rather be me, I never new men could be so bitchy :) I wouldnt like to be spoken about like that...Its an imagage... Yea its sells and I wish Id come up with the idea first.
You are beautiful, My mate used to feel this way and in the end I threw her mags away as she drove me nuts, I took her to oneside and did a complete make over on her, Hair nails face the works, As she was so busy reading and looking at all this and worrying.. She never bothered seeing the real her. By the time Id finished ( I wouldnt let her look by the way) We were going out and all she did was moan!!!! still driving me nuts her mouth didnt close untill I turned the mirror around.
Then the only thing to move was her jaw and it dropped to the floor!!! Sometimes its like when you cook for yourself you dont feel hungry, So when you look in the mirror and see your own face staring back at you, You dont want to see yourself in any different light. Hunny she looked drop dead and for the first time she realised it.
Your b/f thinks your hot and sexy WOW! Thats enough for me, I used to be the ugly duckling at school or so I thought, I didnt have any confidence in myself then I started to try out new styles from the magazines and buy nice makeup and slowly my confidence got stronger, I BET YOU ANY MONEY YOU COULD BE IN A MAGAZINE!!!!Always have faith in yourself hunny never feel you are less than you really are, Im sending you a link for self esteem hunny I hope it helps.
http://www.selfesteem4women.com/
Take care of you sweetheart LOVE N HUGS MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (7 February 2008):
 I think it was Jamie Lee Curtis was given a compliment about a photoshoot of hers, the person said 'I wish my bum looked as good as yours'.
She replied "I wish my bum looked as good as mine too".
She meant of course that her bum in real life looking nothing like it did in those photos.
The images we see are not only of particularly photogenic people (who often look pretty strange in person), but they're incredibly retouched. Not even the celebs themselves look anything like as good in real life as the images we see of them. And they go through endless rounds of plastic surgery, personal training and special diets.
I have two recommendations for you. The first is to read this book:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Beauty_Myth
The second is to go and see a personal councillor or therapist. It sounds like your insecurity is getting to be an obsession for you. When that happens, its very hard to get yourself out of that state of mind without the help of others. A councillor / therapist is trained to do just that.
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (7 February 2008):
You really think too much and need to give yourself a break.So do you think you'll look much better when you look like a porn star? Are you interested in all guys drooling over you? You need to stop thinking too much and concetrate on you! If you are not satisfied with your current looks.GO AHEAD and do everything possible to change your looks but i can promise you one thing.You'll lose your bf and will definitely miss your old looks so don't do something you'll regret for the rest of your life.Be content with what you are and have my dear.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (7 February 2008):
 Any form of obsession can be dangerous. You know, my exterior is a bit big. When I was your age I had the six pack and everything. My kids tell me I traded my six pack in for a pony kaig. It's OK though because I am me and I love who I am, who I have become and I'm not looking at superficially pleasing anyone, nor will I go out with anyone who does.
True beauty lies within. I'm sure he gets turned on by your body, but that's a very small part of you. Your real beauty has very little to do with your body. You could be a knock out on the outside and be very dull on the inside. That could be the opposite as well. What I want to know is why do you feel so unsure about yourself that you're looking at "plastics" to fix your sense of self?
The problem our society has is a distorted view of how people should look. I did watch a show with models and how if they printed how they really look, they wouldn't be qualified for the magazine. Just push a few buttons the computer does a nip and tuck and life a few areas, erases stretch marks and creates this new image. All though they are in the magazine, they go home not looking like their picture.
Guys do see some of that as attractive, but girls are just as guilty. Do you watch chick flicks? How about the moivie Greese? Those movies are unrealistic as far as how relationships work. They're staged, given scrips, written in a manner that is proven to produce a desired emotional response, but still unrealistic.
Work on being real. Change the way you view the imitations. Work on being the best you, you can. Keep developing your identity. I'll tell you this. There is no one else out there that is exactly like you. That makes you a very special person, and it does so without using airbrush or scripts. You're special because you are who you are and one of a kind.
Take care. Be good to your boyfriend, it sounds like you're perfect to him.
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