A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please help me... I'm really suffering. I have done countless Google searches, read through hundreds of forums and advice columns, and sought the help of family, friends, and even my significant other, but nothing will silence my thoughts and nothing will debunk my insecurities. This may be long, but it's needed...I'm 20 years old. I recently got over an eating disorder of five years (bulimia). I've been completely sober of it for nearly 2 months now, and I'm very proud of myself. I moved up to where I am currently to be with a now-ex-boyfriend. We met over MySpace and were in long-distance for nine months until I moved up where, at which time we began living together. I was 17 at the start of that relationship, and after turning 18/19 and living with the guy for about 6 months, I realized that I never really loved him and we broke up. He continued to live with me until I became infatuated with another guy (we'll call him Peter) and asked him to move out. It was hard on him, but it needed to happen for me to be happy.I'm currently with a long-term boyfriend (we'll call him Kevin). Kevin is 22 (as of recently) and we have been dating for almost ten months. I met him through the same guy that I became infatuated with (Peter) while still living with my ex. Kevin and Peter grew up together and played soccer together when I met him. I never technically "dated" Peter. We hung out a lot, and made-out a couple times, but that was it. After a while of me begging him to date me, and him refusing several times, our friendship ended. I then began hanging out with another guy (Mark). We hung out for about two weeks, made-out quite a bit, but again, never officially dated.During this time, my current boyfriend (Kevin) was in love with me. He claims that he fell in love with me the moment he met me. He asked me out a few times, and I knew he was into me, but I knew that if I began dating him, it would be sink or swim, all or nothing, long-term relationship or no friendship, and I wasn't ready for anything serious again. I rejected him many times, saying that I liked him, but that I just couldn't be with anyone like that at the time. He was heartbroken and hurt on many occasions as being the referee and not the player. He always sat back and watched me "date" other guys, but was never in my line of site to go out with. After a few months of being messed with, I decided to just remain single and focus on myself. I told Kevin this, and he was still heartbroken.We met up in January of this year, just after Christmas vacation. We went to see a movie, and then went out for coffee. During this time, yet another discussion of us dating came up. I again told him my stance on it, and he told me he was giving up. He said that he couldn't be only my friend - that it hurt too much. I was actually happy for a moment to hear that that would be the end of being pressured by him. Then after a couple days, something clicked in my mind, and I thought, "Why not give this a try?"So we began dating, and it's been the most remarkable 10 months of my life. He's such an amazing guy, and I couldn't imagine my life without him. I even lost my virginity to him after only being together a month. We barely ever argue, and we have the most fun together. We haven't taken a single "break" from each other, and are now living together (in the same apartment as I lived in with my ex) and have been for about 3 1/2 months.The thing is, our relationship is not my problem... Before he and I got together, a few months before I even met him, he had just gotten out of a serious relationship of 3 years on-and-off with a girl named (we'll call her Chantal). Now, when I first met Kevin, I knew nothing of Chantal. I never heard a word spoken about her, and I didn't even know Kevin had been in a relationship prior to meeting me.When we got together, I began to hear and learn more and more about their relationship. We first discussed past relationships to convey what we were looking for in partners and what we expected out of one another, and also what we wouldn't tolerate. Apparently, Kevin and Chantal's relationship was not a good one. From what I've heard (from pretty much everyone Kevin associates with), Chantal was a horrible person. She cheated on him several times, belittled him, disrespected him, was irresponsible, irrational, and immature. They supposedly broke up on many occasions (at least 1-2 times per month). They were both fairly young when they dated (she being 14-17 and he being 17-20). He lost his virginity to the girl he dated before her, but she was "a virgin" when she met him (though he honestly doesn't think she was).He tells me that they fought constantly, and that he never truly loved her. Now, I've never been in that situation, so I couldn't pose a valid argument, but I can't help but wonder: Why would you go back to someone over and over that you know you're not happy with? How could he just take her back knowing the kind of person she was and what she would do to him? I've asked him this, and he said that, if he was honest, it was because of the sex. Great, now I've got that lingering in my mind. The questions go through my mind constantly of: What was she like? Was she better than me? How do I compare to her when doing X, Y, or Z? Does he miss the way she used to do "this" or "that"? Does he imagine her doing "X" when I'm doing "X"? Like I said, I was a virgin when I met him, and knowing that he stayed with her through all her bull**** just for the sex really worries me.But then I start thinking: Sex can't really be that good for someone to be abused like that and stick around, can it? So then my mind starts thinking: Did he really not love her? Or was he SO in love with her, that no matter what she did, or how badly she hurt him, he would always forgive her and take her back? I've never been in a position where I've been cheated on (and caught them in the act) and wanted to stay with that person and forgive them. How could he? Was he really that in love with her? Or was he just insecure? He told me once that she had belittled him so much that she had convinced him that she was the best he was ever going to get.Which brings me to my next thought: If he was so insecure as to stay with her for so long after being abused, would he stay with me if he wasn't "truly" happy as a form of settling? It scares me to death to think about that. I want him to be the happiest he can with me. He's always been very honest with me, and he seems very level-headed about relationships and life in general. So why would he put himself in that situation? How could he allow her to do that to him? If he didn't truly love her, then why did it matter if she was there or not?She became pregnant shortly after he finally broke up with her (and they had hooked up one last time). For the first few months after I met him, he was worried that it might be his. He spoke to her a couple times over the course of those few months to figure things out (we weren't dating at that time). Turns out that it would've been physically impossible for the child to have been his, but still, it turns my stomach to even think about... He never speaks to her anymore. Not even via text message/MySpace/Facebook. He cut all forms of contact with her when they split. He claimed for the longest time that he hated her. It pained me to see him still so hurt over her, and it made me worry that he wasn't fully over her. After all, he had taken her back so many times before, what made me think he wouldn't again?I'm going insane... I'm pretty attractive, I think. I'm told daily that I'm beautiful, and I get hit on constantly (not trying to get vain here...), but in reality, I'm extremely insecure. I have been my whole life. In high school I was ridiculed daily for my weight being "too low", which became an obsession and soon an eating disorder. I've always had image issues with myself. I've been cheated on by all of my boyfriends (except for this one), and I've been the rebound girl for quite a few guys, who in turn cheated on me or left me to get back with their exes. It's something that I think about quite often. I've asked Kevin over and over: Are you over her? He always assures me that he is. He always tells me that, if he saw her, he probably wouldn't recognize her, and even if he did, he would be so indifferent that he wouldn't even care to.I can't go on like this. I Google her name. I look at her pictures (MySpace, Facebook, his old yearbook) daily. I'm constantly looking at her pictures and wondering: What did you have that could've kept him going back to you so many times? What did you do to him to make him want you back after all that you did to him? I asked him: If I ever cheated on you, would you take me back? He said no. I asked him why, and he said that it's because he knows I'm better than that - better than her. So why would he have ever settled for anything less than the best? Especially for so long?The worst part: He's fine. He never questions me on anything about my past. He never asks me how I could move so far away from home, giving up my family, friends, and a scholarship, just to be with a guy whom I "thought" I loved. He never mentions the fact that we live in the same apartment as where my ex and I lived for a year. He never talks about the fact that I "dated" a few other guys before him, which hurt him pretty badly to go through. Why am I the one who's so insecure with everything? Why am I the one thinking about his ex day-in and day-out, when I've never even met the girl? Why is he so confident with everything surrounding us? I'm glad that he is, but it just makes what's wrong with me that much more prominent.He's said he's the happiest I've ever been now that he's with me. He says I'm the best (sex) he's ever had. We talk about marriage and kids and buying a house one day. His mother refers to me as her "daughter", and his family does nothing but dote on me. *Note* His mother has hated all the girls he's dated, especially Chantal. We talk about 10, 15, 20 years into our future, and we're still painting it with both of us in mind, together. So why does this bother me so much? Why does this girl make my skin crawl at the very thought of her? I've never met her, and probably never will. She's engaged and she's dropped out of high school and I've heard has no plans for college. So why do I feel so threatened by her memory (or lack thereof in my case). How do I let go of this obession? It's ruining my life, and it's threatening my relationship. I'm hurting, and I'll do anything to make the pain stop...
View related questions:
broke up, cheated on me, christmas, engaged, facebook, fell in love, heartbroken, his ex, immature, insecure, lost my virginity, my ex, myspace, player, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): I know that he loves me more than he ever loved her. I know that he wouldn't go back to her, and that he's happy to have gotten her out of his life. I guess I'm just so baffled by everything. I compare his situation with Chantal with ANY situation that might be similar. I see T.V. shows, movies, read articles in magazine or hear stories from friends that bear any kind of resemblance to what his situation was like, and I analyze it to death. I try to justify his actions, because I just don't understand them, but nothing helps...Another thing he mentioned was that towards the end (final end) of their relationship, he broke up with her, and she flipped out and sawed her wrist open with a kitchen knife right in front of him. At that point, I'm sure he was afraid for her safety (and sanity).I don't know why it's such a big deal to me. I don't know why it weighs down so much on my thoughts and my self-esteem. I'm so tired of feeling this way. I'm so tired of having these thoughts in the back of my mind with every word he says to me. With every situation he describes about his past, I think of her, and wonder: "Does he think of her, too?" I'm lost... and I don't know how I got here. I've always been the type of girlfriend who doesn't get "jealous", even though I've been cheated on many times. I know I'm attractive. I look in the mirror and I do notice my good qualities. I know that my boyfriend is attracted to me, and I know that he doesn't notice my flaws like I do.He wrote a song for me (he's a musician) a week after we started dating. It made me cry when I heard it because it was so beautiful. He had also written lyrics about me (which he never showed me, but I found by chance when he was moving from his old place into mine). They were just about how beautiful I was and how I could pierce his. How he could beg on his hands and knees forever, but never would that change how I saw him (this was before we were dating). He still doesn't know I've found these lyrics.I read these lyrics from time to time, and I realize that I've done something to him that no one ever has before. I've made him feel things that Chantal never could. So what is my problem? Why do I feel so horrible about this? I feel even worse knowing that these are completely irrational thoughts, and yet I continue to have them...
A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (18 November 2009):
 It pains me to read your post and what you are going through. I really feel for you. I can feel your insecurity. I don't actually think you have anything to worry about and think it is very much in your own head. Kevin is not interested in her at all anymore. He loved her or felt he did at the time but now he has moved on. It is the same as with any past relationship, that was then, now is now. He makes no attempt to see what she is up to on Facebook or anything and he doesn't ring her or text her because he doesn't want to. There is no reason for you to compare yourself to this girl and you must stop looking at her on these social networking sites.
I don't think he loved her any more than he loves you or the sex was any better or any other thing that you are concerned about. These are all things that you might worry about if he was still with her or clearly still held a torch but he doesn't. You are torturing yourself unnecessarily over this. I don't think he was so in love with her that he kept going back to her I imagine it was a case of what he knew. When you are young emotions can run high and it isn't even that you feel so much for someone that you will go back to thwm time and time again it is just a comfortable feeling of what you know.
I honestly think you have absolutely nothing to worry about here. Kevin loves you, his family love you and he talks about the future. Do not look at or concern yourself over the Chantal issue anymore. you are clearly a strong woman and this thought process is well beneath you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Another_Kapiti  +, writes (18 November 2009):
 Teenagers are a lot more insecure than adults, all those extra hormones flying around our bodies, I'd guess. Your boyfriend was a totally different person as a teenager than he is now, so things he would have forgiven then (he probably didn't know any better) he wouldn't forgive now.
Since this girl treated him so badly, I'd say it was probably like that 'Stockholm Syndrom', where even though people treat you horribly, you're so sucked in by them you start to believe them.
You had a similar experience when you were younger you said? When people at school commented on your weight (or lack thereof) you experienced an eating disorder from those comments. It's like someone telling you're that you're ugly, the more they tell you, the more you feel ugly.
You need to distract yourself from googling this girl, it sounds like you've already become obsessed with someone you've never met, and probably never will meet. I think it would be best for you to concentrate on your wonderful relationship and forget all memory of 'chantal'.
Please don't take this as a bad thing, but it might be worth talking to a therapist about your feelings in this matter, I might be able to speculate, but I'm not qualified to give the right advice about this particular problem. Your boyfriend has moved on from Chantal, you need to move on, you know this, but are unable to forget her, so I think a therapist might be a good thing for you.
...............................
|
