A
male
age
51-59,
*altJohn
writes:I'm 42, consider myself mature, and am no means weak minded or overly sensitive (I'm in the middle of my third combat tour in Iraq).The closest term I can use to describe my problem is infidelity flashback.I have a long history of being cheated on. I know this, and I know this is the source of my problem... but knowing doesn't seem to help.Quick history, mother cheated on dad, every woman (except current marriage) ended up cheating on me, including first marriage.This is the problem. The woman I'm married to is wonderful, and while I have absolutely no reason to doubt her, when we're in certain situations or she simply says certain things, I swear there's an uncontrollable, unreasonable anxiety that comes over me that I cannot intellectually counter. Quick example tonight. She is going to a college and finishing her degree. I'm over here in Iraq. She mentioned that she had been invited to a Psi Epse.. whatever frat party by three girls in one of her classes. She mentioned it, and in the same sentence finshed with "yea.. right, like I'm going to go to something like that..". I know this, she knows this, but my stomache flipped, I started sweating and my heart just about started bursting out of my chest almost like she told me she went to it and met a guy! It's insane, and again, I know why. The why is my past, but I can't figure out how the hell to get over this. I was honest with her and she was understanding (knows my past), but I hate the fact that we're burdened with it. I feel sometimes I should just repress it all and not even say something to her, but I know that road as well (repressing it when, in past relationships, I should have said something). As I said above... I'm not a whimp, but boy do I feel like one when this happens. Any advice?
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female
reader, Hopeful Romantic +, writes (6 October 2008):
 It's hard, I know. I have a similar situation, but vise versa by genders. My dad cheated on my mom, both of my sisters husbands cheated on them, one of my friends boyfriend cheats on her all the time & she keeps taking him back, and all of my boyfriends in the past have cheated on me (except for the one I am currently with).
I know what "fear" you are talking about because I have the same fear and it is hard to trust anyone even if you want to and even if they have given you no reason to not trust them.
If you want, do what the first poster wrote by talking to your wife one more time & tell her of your fears, but let her know that you trust her very much, but if at all possible, could she reassure you of her love for you and promise not to ever do this to you.
I was once friends w/ a girl whose husband’s ex-wife cheated on him & he was always freaking out over my friend (his wife) about cheating on him no matter what she did or where she went, even though she was completely faithful. You don't want to be that man... that really upsets the girl & hurts her because she then believes you don't trust her, which isn't cool when she's faithful.
The longer you are with this woman and the stronger your trust will grow and it will get easier. I am sure it will also get easier once you are able to go back home and be with her daily. You being away isn't helping you with your fears and your woman. So, keep calling and writing sweet little nothings and she will continue to wait with anxiety to see you and be with you again! Good luck & be careful over there! :)
Just remember & keep telling yourself that she loves you, that is why she is married to you and that is why she is waiting on you to return home. :)
A
female
reader, loundav4eva  +, writes (6 October 2008):
the only answer is talking to her. you say you told her about your past but have you told her when your scared about her cheating and why if you sit down and explain to her everytime you feel that way maybe it might help you and her to get past it if she completly understands i hope this helps :)
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