A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, my wife and I have been married for just over 10 years. We've never succeeded in having a baby over the last 8 years. Over these years we tried numerous IUI, IVF, surgeries, etc, but without luck. Now, my wife is 41 and I am almost 50. My sex drive had gone down a lot recently and got a whisky dick. We only have intercourse once every few months. I know myself that I've got a lot of stress from work and from my wife too. She is the big sister in her own family of seven. Also, I don't know if it also has to do with my habit of watching many porn movies. Also before marriage, I also seen many girls. While a lot of men who have this problem can get their wife's understanding, I have to deal with my wife's desperate desire to have a baby. It's getting harder and harder as we grow older. The situation is getting really bad as it's a CYCLE issue. The more we want the harder it gets. My wife is considering leaving me and I can understand it's not easy for her. She is also an immigrant, so her family is not around with her. Therefore, I always treat her like a VIP and care for her. Like any couple, there is always pain living together. Still, I just don't know what to do. I feel helpless and fearful. And I think she feels pretty much the same plus loneliness. It's like we got inside a dark cage never be able to get out. I've accepted the fact that I won't have a child. But, my wife really aggressive and really want one. And she cannot do anything else but thinking about it. She has sleepless nights. This adds stress to me and I cannot perform with her. Having her leaving me may help. But, why does it have to end this way?? I know we still want to be together, but the force of infertility and whisky dick is so great. I tried erection pills before and now that won't help either. I am so down and depress, and knowing my wife feels even worst keeps us sinking deeper and deeper, down and down and more and more depressed. Any help would be appreciated.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (19 December 2012):
 I'm sorry to hear that as I suffer from infertility as well. I know exactly how your wife feels.
While men can come to terms and accept never being a parent, sometimes the woman cannot. We go through the emotions of feeling broken, like less of a woman, depressed, anxiety, angry, grieving for a child we may never have. Men get off in not feeling any of that! Infertile women have to live with that pain every day...being around family makes it worse, people with their snide remarks, etc. It's all very taxing and only gets worse the longer you go in this heartbreaking journey.
Infertility can also tear apart a marriage if the wife doesn't feel supported by her husband.
Provided that you two got IF testing done, which one of you carries the IF? True her age factors into play as her eggs decline with age, but with everything functioning properly she can still conceive.
If you two are going through IF treatments then you should've cut the alcohol out a long time ago. You also need to work on reducing your stress.
I don't have the answer to conceiving a baby, but I do know you need to support your wife in order to stay together. Perhaps see the urologist about your issues down south. Also So's advice on seeking a counselor to talk out the devastating issues of IF will help the both of you. Your wife may be suffering from depression and anxiety stemmed from IF and not know it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 December 2012):
 I doubt you will be able to adopt for several reasons.
1. Your age. 50 is a bit old to begin parenting unless you adopt older (read usually troubled) children
2. Whisky dick indicates you have a drinking issue. These things are looked at in the adoption process.
3. The marriage is not stable (a requirement for adoption
So I will not recommend looking into adoption as it will probably bring more heartbreak.
You can’t fix your wife’s issues but you can address yours.
1. See the doctor for a full workup including blood work to determine if the loss of drive is due to LOW-T. That can easily be fixed. It also would help with any other issues such as fatigue and depression you are experiencing.
2. Stop watching so much porn.
3. Stop drinking to such excess that you have whisky dick. If you are drinking that much, then you are harming your liver.
You say “Like any couple, there is always pain living together.” I am not sure what you mean… sure couples fight but there is not pain living together… what do you mean by this?
Feeling helpless and fearful is not good nor is it normal. You need to seek counseling to work on those issues.
If you are doing IVF and such, then the issue is more with her than you or are they using donor sperm? If the issue is with her being unable to conceive, then leaving you won’t really fix that problem will it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2012): "Like any couple, there is always pain living together. Still, I just don't know what to do. I feel helpless and fearful. And I think she feels pretty much the same plus loneliness. "
No, it is not "like any couple" to have "pain living together" and feeling helpless, fearful and lonely. That is NOT what a marriage should be like, and yours sounds like it's definitely on the brink of divorce.
I would suggest that you adopt children. She's already 41. If she leaves you, how soon can she find a new guy to marry her and then get pregnant?
If you've already tried all the medical routes, then your only hope is adoption. I am surprised you haven't already done that by now. Problem solved.
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