A
male
age
41-50,
*annytreehorn
writes:[MOD NOTE : OP's OWN TITLE]Hi all i'm a 27 year old man, 6 weeks ago my girlfriend of 5 years and I broke up, no particular reason, we hadn't been getting on for a few months, weren't looking forward to seeing each other and weren't enjoying each others company. It was mutual and amicable. After 2 days of no contact we started chatting again by text, and a couple of weeks later we agreed to meet up for a drink as 'friends', one thing led to another and i ended up back at her house and we slept together. We then agreed upon a 'friends with benefits' deal, which continued until 2 days ago when i brought it to a head, saying i couldn't deal with the thought of her with other men and so i said we either get back together or remain strictly friends. We decided to give it another go. Yesterday she was having a bad day, job, friends, etc so i went round to comfort her. I hadn't seen her in this state in 6 years of knowing her. I thought there might be something more as to why she was so upset so i checked her phone messages when she went to the bathroom. I found messages from a mutual friend of ours (who has always liked her and who is in a relationship) with explicit content, which also indicated they had slept together recently. I came up with some convoluted story about having heard a rumour and whether or not it was true, and she denied this, to the extent where she broke down and cried and got upset about 'people talking sh*t' about her. I said I believed her. As you can tell i now have a dilemma. 1) she's lying to me, and if we are to try again then trust will be an issue, 2) who's to say that she won't do it again because she thinks she got away with it, and 3) i obviously know the truth but have no way of saying so without bringing up the fact i invaded her privacy. I technically have no real right to be upset about this as she slept with this person while we were broken up, but now I know i can't help but keep picturing it in my head, and wondering if it happened more than once or even if it is still happening. I'm also not sure how well i even know her anymore given that she slept with someone she knew had a girlfriend, even though she has always professed that cheating is horrible. The fact that she said she wants to try again too must mean something though? Can someone please try and help me with this as it's ruining my head, it is the first time i have been physically sick over an emotional issue, i love her so much and want nothing more than to try again, but with the trust issue i'm not sure what to do for the best. Many thanks in advance to you all.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2010): Don't let the others tell you that it was wrong to go through her phone. You had suspicions and you have a right to know what is going on. It happened during a break so its not the same as cheating. One thing you might want to do is call your so called friend (friends don't boink your GF even during a break) and tell him you know everything (even say that she confessed) and ask him how long has it been going on. But go into this with your eyes open because she has lied to you, she has started an initmate relationship with someone else (a friend no less) and she may have done this before.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2010): She slept with someone while the two of you were apart. In that, she did nothing wrong relative to your relationship.
You checked her cell phone - invaded her privacy - while you were together. In that, you did do something wrong.
She lied to you about something she did while you were apart. I, too, would be upset about this, but I can also see how it can happen - people often don't want to own up to things that happened when they were with someone. Still, I would be upset and say she was wrong to lie. (I'm lucky in that my BF was truthful in a similar situation with me; but I do understand how he could have lied about it. I wouldn't have liked it, but I would have UNDERSTOOD it.)
I think trust will be an issue for a really long time - until she builds that trust back up - if you stay with her. I don't personally think you have to worry about her cheating on you, if you don't believe she ever has (keeping in mind she slept with this person while you were apart) or about her continuing to sleep with this guy (if naturally she ISN'T a cheater), but you will worry about her lying, and I can understand that. It's just what will she lie about (perhaps she's always lied?). I think you need to reconcile this in your own mind. It's difficult when you found out information doing something you shouldn't have been doing in the first place, but because of how you found out the information, you've put yourself in this tough spot.
...Perhaps she'll come around and tell you what really happened.
You haven't said why it was she was so upset that day - or did you not find out? Perhaps she was upset knowing she had slept with this other person yet wanting to make it with you and trying to figure out how to reconcile it all in her head before she told you? Then you jumped the gun, she got scared, and couldn't just admit it? Human nature is funny that way ...
I'm thinking that if you really love her and want to make a go of it, then you need to reconcile the lying issue in your own mind. How might you have reacted, had the situation been reversed? How would you feel if you thought she snooped through your phone? Can you understand why she might have lied about this particular issue and maybe accept it? (I'm not saying you should - I'm just saying you should try to consider both sides and see where you can put yourself.) If you can get to a place where you're accepting of the hows and whys of the lie, then maybe give it some time and see what happens.
As to whether or not she's still sleeping with this guy, that I think is a completely different question. She did it WHILE YOU WERE APART. Period. If you don't think she's a cheater, then let that go maybe? You both maybe did things while you were apart?
I'm going to go out on a limb and will probably get flamed for this, but SHE wasn't in a relationship while SHE slept with this guy. If the guy was in a relationship, HE is the cheater. I know most people won't agree with that position. But I feel it's not MY place to keep that other relationship together. Is it wrong to sleep with someone in a relationship? Yes, personally, I think it's morally wrong and I wouldn't knowingly do it. But he who took the wedding vows is the one with the responsibility for his relationship - not all the single women (or men) out there in the world.
Now that I've blathered on about all that...what is/are your issue(s): lying, cheating, or the specific person she slept with? All three different matters. And people have done worse and their mates have stood by them. You need to decide if you're willing do that and which issues are bothering you.
When I read between the lines, I feel like it's the person she slept with ("keep picturing it in my head"). Can you deal with that in the longterm?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (30 August 2010):
 Your relationship has problems and that's the main issue, not who you slept with. After 5 years, you break up for no particular reason, you two just didn't enjoy each other's company. Stuff like that hurts, and then going to FWB, that hurts as well. It's not your fault, it's not her's. But it was and is an unstable relationship, where you both don't seem to try hard enough to build love and keep it going.
Poor girl, probably she felt hurt, rejected, confused and ugly. She turned to someone who flattered her, made her feel pretty and actually wanted her. You didn't want her, she wasn't in a proper relationship with you. She had a right to sleep with anyone, and so she did. She slept with a guy who was wrong for her and wasn't decent, but at least she felt wanted and didn't have to sleep alone like she was doing.
After 5years, your relationship breaks up. No good reason, no cheating, no major disagreements, it just fizzles out and she's left alone. Stuff like that makes a woman feel bad, and sometimes we do the wrong thing trying to feel pretty again.
This is not a question of trust. She has not betrayed you in anyway. The fact that she got upset about the message, indicates that the sex she had she now massively regrets.
She was alone and hurting. Please try to understand and have a little empathy and sympathy. Work on your relationship harder, keep the love and the romance going, and then it won't get to the point, when you split up for no reason at all.
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A
male
reader, multitalented  +, writes (30 August 2010):
Hey Danny,
I'm so sorry that your hurting over this issue. Without knowing the whole background to the personalities involved it's difficult to give you a definitive answer.
Given the details, it is pretty simple. You cant trust her.
You can however talk to each other. Find out why she slept with your friend. Was it because she was emotionally unbalanced because of the situation with you, went to him to be able to talk to a common friend, and that friend takes advantage of a situation (a lot of men would). or was it due to other reasons.
If you can talk to each other you will be able to find out by conducting an audit of all the reasons you should and shouldn't be together. By talking you will find the answer, and be able to make the decision as to whether to part as friends, be friends with benefits (both accepting the fact that each may have other partners) or even to avoid one another thereafter.
Whatever the outcome, you will feel better about yourself in as much as you participated in the decision making and it wasn't forced.
I truly hope that both of you can find a mutually happy outcome.
Good luck
MT
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2010): hi. it sounds like you have been through the mill with this relationship. your biggest mistake wasnt going through her phone, as everyone makes that mistake at some time, but you did lie about how you found out that she had slept with someone.
she hasnt really done anything wrong and may have not wanted to hurt your feelings (this sounds most liekly as she reacted so forcefully). you now have to be honest, if you dont the feelings of resentment will grow towards her without her having any idea why you feel that way, destroying any relationship (romantic or platonic) that you both may have in the future.
this is something your both need to work through and hopefully too much hurt hasnt been caused to form a healthy relationship.
i wish you well for the future what ever the outcome.
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