A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it me or him?? So last night, I was busy doing household chores, when my boyfriend said it was too late to do things and he wanted to spend some time with him. So I stopped what I was doing and went upstairs with him. We both showered but when I got out a couple minutes after him, he said, "honey, I will be there in a minute, I am going to get something started in preparation for tomorrow's dinner." so I waited a couple minutes, and since he didnt come back, I went back downstairs and filled time by making a snack, and coming up with things to do in the kitchen. While I was finishing up the clean up, he went out to the porch with his computer. I waited a couple minutes and I went out there. An hour and a half had passed since we had originally gone up stairs at this point. I asked what he was doing and he said he had to look up something for his work and if I would stir the sauce one last time, he would be ready to go in. Well, I do this and wait and thus spend 20 minutes more cleaning. He comes in and tries to be open and loving with me, but at this point I am kind of perturbed. I am not angry, but I do feel like he didnt respect my time or feelings. So, I tell him. "You know, you said you would be right in but 20 minutes passed by and now it is late and we dont have very much time together." And he says, "well at least you have a clean kitchen." That is true, but I was hoping to get to spend some time with you. He goes on to say "This is rediculous." I decide to go upstairs and finish up some cleaning and not get into a fight.15 minutes later I go downstairs and check on him, and he says, "it is up to you to decide how to react about this". I was feeling affection towards you but b/c of they way you were I dont feel like being near you now. I said, "well it is not just my reaction, i feel as though you didnt validate my feelings. By saying, this is rediculous, it sounds like you are telling me that I am rediculous." He doesnt respond and I go back to upstairs and do my own thing. 20 minutes later he sets off the alarm and I go back down and turn it off. And he says, sorry about that I am just incompetent. And I said, "no, not all, I dont understand why this is such a fight. I should be able to express my feelings positive or negative without your getting angry every time I express something. I feel that you could have just said, when I called you out on not coming in, oh, you are right. In the future, I will try to be more sensitive to your feelings.He goes on to say, "see, you just fight to win a fight." are you happy? you won. The night deteriorated from there and actually turned into a fight and now we are not talking. I am blind sided b/c I dont know how such a small thing turned into something huge. Am I doing something wrong? Should I not be annoyed? Am I a negative person who only sees the glass half full? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): My partner uses blame "you are so this... you are so that". I know that there is no point in blame, because when you blame others, you are actually only blaming yourself for your own unacceptable behaviour.
Then there is the "I told you last week saga". I know what Im being told and when and I stand my ground. But when I do stand my ground I get the sulking.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): yes, you should be annoyed. Your bf displays passive/aggressive behavior. He twist and distorts what you are saying. Disregarding your feelings and time. He deflects his poor behavior by turning things around on you, You r right to feel invalidated. Look at his language,"this is ridiculus", "you decide how you react to this" "incompetent""he no longer is feeling affectionate towards u, b'cause of they YOU react", "He will try to be more sensitive to YOUR feelings" "YOU fight just to win a fight, Are YOU happy now"
"YOU won".
The one with the problem is NOT YOU!! This my dear is the subtle behavior of verbal abuse. This how it starts and progresses after a period of time. It will not get better it will only get worse! I know because I have had first hand knowledge of verbal abuse for fifteen years w/bf.
In your last paragraph you are already questioning your own
perceptions and feelings. Emotional abuse is characterized by the abuser's manipulation and invalidation of his partner. You need to end this now, no matter how much you love him! Before he ravages your self-confidence, your self-esteem, making think your crazy, your the one with problems! If you dont' act soon, it will be to late. You will begin to believe all his bullshit. Get out while you still believe in yourself, that you still have value. I did and that's all I can say to help you. One more piece of advice, google "verbal abuse" do your research it will open your eyes....it opened mine and I left the son of bitch!
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (30 August 2010):
 If a couple has a little spat like this, it's not the end of the world. However, it seems to me like your annoyance with him is more long term... like this isn't the first time he's done this to you. Would you say that is true?
If something like this is happening more and more, it's a major lack of communication. I know it's easier said than done, but you two have to be able to sit down once things calm down and talk about it. Not in a hostile way, just listening to each other. How long have you been with your boyfriend?
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (30 August 2010):
 Pick and choose your battles. It seems like he had intentions of spending time with you but between the prep of next night's dinner(if it was the sauce he was making for an italian dish then i get it) and realizing he forgot something about work..then I understand him. However, I do understand you when you put down what you were doing for him and he's like "I'll be there in a min" then a half hour passes and you're really annoyed. Time together is precious I get that and we love it when our man pays attention to us. Him saying this fight is ridiculous, it's because it is. There was no need for this fight to escalate, I felt it did due to a few underlying issues which this fight wasn't even about...and hey that happens to me and my husband all the time. This is nothing an "I'm sorry for arguing over something this small" on your part and some hot makeup sex can't fix.
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