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anonymous
writes: I've been with a man who cheated (massage parlor), smokes a lot of pot, and who gets verbally abusive (sometimes physically aggressive). It's been a year since I moved out and broke it off with him. Now he's showing signs of change, and growth. He would like to work on our relationship through couples counseling. Is it worth my time and emotional investment? I do love him, but am absolutely terrified of any of those three things happening again. I am overly sensitive, suspicious, and insecure about the relationship. Should I pursue professional help, or realize that such major changes are impossible to human nature? Thanks for any feedback.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2005): Charisma....Great response. Thank you for your insight. Unfortunately, I have been struggling for this past year, and have been mentally and physically ill from the doubt you spoke of. It's very intense. And he interprets my doubt as smothering. I don't know how to manage it or to express it without him feeling smothered. I tend to think that him feeling smothered is yet another indication that he has issues that are separate from me. In any case, this has been the greatest struggle of my life so far, and I appreciated your feedback. Thanks again.
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reader, Charisma +, writes (27 May 2005):
To avoid getting hurt later you need to be brutally honest with yourself. Do you trust him? (Not to cheat, to regress back to pot, to become abusive?) If you don't trust him the doubt will come between you if you try to start again. It seems he has a lot of healing to do and its good that he is addressing his problems. They are just that - his problems. I would advise you to let him know he has your support but stress the importance of addressing his own personal problems before including you. You have the right to be overly sensitive, suspicious and insecure about the relationship, these feelings are natural defence mechanisms for your heart, consider counselling for yourself, it helps to confide in someone.
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