A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Well, this is kind of a long story. I'll do my best to keep it brief, but many of the details are significant, so I guess we'll see..About 3 years ago I started a new job, and consequently met a girl there. We became close, and began dating. She was a few years younger than me, and at around 3 months of dating she lost her virginity to me. We started a lot closer, and even began loose talks of marriage, to the point we just started saying we were engaged. At around 6 months into the relationship however, things took a turn for the worse. We began arguing a lot, she was trying to finish school and I had just been recently promoted to manager. We ended up breaking up, I being the one to call it off.A few weeks later, I started talking to a girl who was still relatively new, and training to be a manager. We became very close, and eventually inseparable. We would wait in the parking lot for one another to finish our shifts, and then just sit there in the car and talk for hours, sometimes all night. We began to develop very strong feelings for each other, but she was still a little hung up on her ex boyfriend of 2 years who had dumped her 6 months prior. Eventually I began to realize I was deeply in love with girl, more than any other, includingg my ex fiancee. Now I've always been one to let my guard down too quickly and fall in love fas, this was only a 2 month period, but I had never felt anything like this. I finally broke down one night and explained this to her, and the feeling was mutual, but she still thought she loved her ex. Other people saw and felt the spark between us as well.Well, for whatever reason, I grew impatient and started getting very depressed she wouldn't just say yes to me. You see, her and I had never been physical. We never so muched as hugged, and yet I longed for her touch, to wrap her in my arms. But she wouldn't give in. She admitted it to me, and other people, that she felt the same way..but she wouldn't give in. Eventually I had, for lack of a better term, a nervous breakdown. I quit my job, and started packing to move across the country. But then, something inside of me told me to call my ex. Now, we'd only been broken up 4 months, and although she was very apathetic toward me, she still wanted to be with me. So, we hopped in the car, drove to Virginia, and eloped. That night, our "honeymoon", we concieved our son. When we got back, girl #2 kept texting me asking "why couldn't i wait just a few more weeks?"It is now almost 2 years later, and I still feel the exact same way about that girl. She lives in the area, and her social group sometimes tangents with mine, so I hear about her constantly. Currently, she is living in a dingy apartment with an abusive boyfriend who controls her, and she's pregnant with his kid. I am currently still married, but neither of us are happy anymore. We love each other, but we've come to realize that our marriage is going nowhere. We fight and argue a lot, sometimes even shoving a little. I'm not proud of it, but I get pushed to the edge. I'm only human. I should also probably mention that since that initial breakdown when we went and eloped, I've suffered sever depression and anxiety. I've been to counselling, which was unhelpful, and even took myself into the ward for a few days. We did discover that I have bipolar disorder, type 2 I believe, the one where it's not up and down all the time, but a slower more gradual switch. I've tried different medications, but none of the prescriptions work. The only thing that really honestly helps is a couple tokes of marijuana before bed.My question is, what do I do? First about my feelings for this other girl, and also about my crappy marriage? Someone please give me an answer, I'm losing my mind.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): you came here asking for advice and whatever advice you were given, you proclaim is "wrong."...ok well then guess you know what you want to hear so you don't need to ask anyone's opinion. you should make up your mind about your marriage. if you want a divorce then proceed with one and stop stringing your wife along. most divorces are unilateral decisions, so if you're waiting for your wife to agree you may never get one and in the meantime you're making her live in limbo if you talk of divorce but never actually leave.and the second woman is a lost cause because she's with someone else and they're starting their own family. it would be immoral for you to push yourself into that situation. you're in no position to be her knight in shining armor if you're still married to someone else. if you truly care for her you should leave her alone and if she doesn't love her boyfriend she'll leave him, but until she does it her love life should be none of your business.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (2 July 2011):
"I truely do believe that being with the other girl would cure my mental problems, "
I don't doubt that you do truly believe this, and right now it may be true, but the practical reality is that it's extremely unlikely to happen in the foreseeable future.
In order for you to be with her, two major tumultuous and long drawn-out processes need to happen successfully: (a) you need to be divorced from your wife and without any lingering emotional attachments to her, and (b) the other girl needs to leave her bf of her own free will, and not have any lingering emotional attachments to him.
Of these, only getting divorced from your wife is within your control (although it seems unclear if this will happen either). You can't control when or if the other girl will leave her bf, if ever. She will leave him if and when she wants to and is emotionally ready, for her own personal reasons that may or may not have anything to do with you. This could take a year, 20 years, or never. Even then, many people even after breaking up continue to have lingering emotional attachments to their ex's that create problems for their new relationship partners. (so your mental problems might not be cured even if you were with her). Leaving the father of her child, will likely be a long drawn out and messy process, if she ever will do that in the first place. So where does this leave you?
Therefore, even though right now you do believe that being with her will solve your problems and that could be true, it is just one way. It cannot be the ONLY way because realistically it's unlikely to happen in the foreseeable future so you need to find an alternative way to cure your mental problems, that doesn't involve her or what she's doing in her life.
This means focusing on what you *can* control that will make your life better such as divorcing your wife or learning a better way to live with your marriage; changing your thought patterns via therapy; changing your perspectives; meeting someone new AFTER you have divorced your wife... and learning to let the other girl go, to get over that lost love and learning to not need her so you can move on in your life without her. Lots of people go through break ups and divorces every day, many of them feel as intensely about your lost loves as you do about this other girl. And, they do manage to heal and move on eventually, so you can too, it is possible. It will be difficult and be a long drawn out process, but if other people can do it, you can too.
If your goal is to cure your mental problems and feel better in general, but the only way you know how is unrealistic or a dead-end, then you need to find an alternative way that is more realistic, and work at that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): find a way to work things out with your wife. go to marriage counseling. Get individual counseling - don't just say "I tried it and it wasn't helpful." well then find something that works for you. Put everything you've got into your marriage and family life. The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it!
Stop thinking about the other girl. that ship has sailed long ago so don't waste your time and emotions on her. she's got her own family that she needs to concentrate on now, just as you have yours. Remember, the grass isn't greener...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): ASKER'S RESPONSE.. I guess I was unclear. I love my wife, but I love her also. I don't have a need to be in a relationship, and yes, I truely do believe that being with the other girl would cure my mental problems, as they didn't really start until all this happens. I understand that this may usually be the case with other people, but this situatuion is different. I know you hear it all the time, but I'm sorry, but both of these answers are wrong, and the first one was rather rude as well.I want to end my marriage before someone gets hurt, or something bad happens. She refuses to leave, thinking it will just get better. And I didn't "blow" any chance, I left for a reason. She messed with my head, that's why I had the breakdown. But I believe a lot of was a test. She has her own issues too, no one's perfect, but I honestly feel that she is the one I'm supposed to be with.Believe me, I've been over every possible scenario in my head. I'm not an idiot, in fact I'm rather intelligent, and everything that these previous 2 answers have said, I've already thought out. Answer #2 was a bit nicer and helpful, but my question remains unanswered. I guess no one will be able to answer it, because no one else has lived this exact situation in my shoes. You see, there are a lot of smaller details of a personal nature that I do not care to discuss, and unfortunately those little things would make this a lot easier to do.. Oh well, I attempted to use this site, it's been very helpful in the past, but this time I guess I'm going solo.If anyone can give me a real answer, not just stereotype and generalize me, let me know, I'd be interested in hearing what an unbiased answer sounds like (once again, Answer #1: you are rude, sexist, biased, and stubborn. You don't belong on this site trying to help people.)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2011): how could you get married to someone, when you were still having feelings for someone else?? does marriage mean nothing to you?? no wonder your marriage is crappy, what did you expect?
even if Person A that you want to be with isn't available, how does that in any way make it a good idea to get married to Person B? have you ever thought seriously about what marriage is? It's a commitment for LIFE. that means you need to be really sure of the person before you said "I do"...it sounds like you didn't think two minutes it. rather you were hurting from the other girl's rejection so to soothe yourself you got married to your ex?? that's a disaster waiting to happen, and I guess it has happened because you're now in this crappy situation.
I hope you have learned from your past mistakes, but it sounds like you haven't. You're still spinning your wheels. Your marriage is crappy, and sounds like there may be domestic violence involved, so why are you still in it?? what is the problem? are you only still married because you can't get someone better? if so this is being weak and it's a very crappy way to treat your wife!!! set her free so she can find someone who truly wants to be with her and isn't just keeping her around as a security blanket. then if you're free you can explore any new relationships that you want. Don't stay in a crappy marriage out of weakness. Don't stay in a marriage where there is violence, or you could really be messing up your child in the future. Children brought up in homes where there is violence between parents, have serious issues when they grow up.
The other girl has moved on and is in a relationship with another guy because you went and married your wife. so, I'm sorry but you really shouldn't be eyeing her any more. So what if her bf is abusive to her? it's her life, and she's choosing to be with him, this has nothing to do with you. Let her go, move on, she's got her own life now. You had your chance and blew it, so the sooner you accept that, chalk it up to a learning experience, don't blow it out of proportion, and move forward as far as letting her go, the sooner you will start to feel better.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (29 June 2011):
I think this isn't about whether you should stay in your marriage or what to do about the other girl, this is about your personal health issues (your depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder that still needs treatment) and your patterns of thinking and behaving that have led you to be in the situation you are in and how to gain better control of those so that you can be in a better position to decide what it is you should do. I think this is about working on yourself first, and for possibly a some time to come, so that your next major life decision will be a better one.
I really think that you need to put your relationship concerns aside for now, and work on yourself. Your current situation is of your own making, you need to understand why you made the decisions you did, what drove you to make those choices, and what you need to change about yourself first, before you make any new (and possibly life altering) ones.
From the sounds of it, your depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder may need better treatment, because you were and still are all over the map as far as your emotions which drive your behavior and decisions. You need to gain more control over your emotions so that they don't rule you and lead you to make life-changing decisions (involving other people too, not just yourself) based on what alters your mood or staves off an anxiety attack in the short term.
You now know that you have severe depression and anxiety and bipolar disorder. It's good that you took steps to get help and as a result you've been diagnosed so you have some better understanding of your past behavior and your impulses. But now the next step should be getting treated for it to gain control over the symptoms so you can be emotionally healthier as an individual.
So, treatment and becoming mentally and emotionally healthy, should be your number one priority. Forget about relationships for now (maybe for a long while), you need to focus on yourself first. If you're not emotionally stable and healthy, you won't be a good life partner, or parent, or be able to function properly in a relationship regardless of who you're with.
And no, being with the girl you want won't make your problems go away and make life so much better, although right now it may seem that way or that's the simple solution. It is not. It would be just another bad decision in some way or another if you're still feeling messed up on the inside and making choices from that perspective.
For example, your history as you wrote out, strongly suggests that you really fear being on your own, that you "need" to be in a relationship, any relationship (even a crappy one is better than none) in order to get by in life. Having depression, anxiety, self esteem issues, can certainly contribute to this, but the fact is that this is still a very unhealthy and dangerous place to be and the decisions you make while in this state, are usually bad ones (hence the current situation you are in). This is probably how you ended up marrying someone that you didn't want to be with, but because it seemed the less aversive option available to you at the time (the other option being, to be alone and not in a relationship) and thus you didn't give it much thought. But the end result is that you're now stuck in a crappy marriage and there's an innocent child involved, while longing for someone else. as you can see this is definitely not a healthy situation either. It just gets worse and worse as long as you continue to make decisions while you're not emotionally healthy.
And since you now have a family to think about, the weight of your decisions will affect not just you but others as well so it's all the more important that you gain control of your life and mental health and get to where you need to be to be able to make good choices.
Therefore, I think you need to set aside your relationship angst for now (maybe for a long while) and focus entirely on yourself to become healthier. Work on your depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder and self esteem to become a more emotionally stable and independent person so that you are not dependent on being in a relationship to feel OK.
Only if you're in that stage (and realize it could take you months or years to get to that stage) then can you make a sound assessment of who you should be with, whether you truly love this other girl or not, whether you should break up your family or not.
If previous medical treatments haven't yielded much improvement, then seek out different doctors and therapists. Get second opinions, research different treatment options and discuss them with your doctor and therapist. Join support groups for people recovering from depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder (whether online or in person). Don't give up, take responsibility for your mental health and make it your top priority. You are investing in your future happiness, which has to start with being able to be happy on your own.
And in the meantime, I would suggest putting your relationship problems on hold and not making any major decisions concerning them. Temporarily move out if things are really bad between you and your wife and if removing yourself from her will help you focus on your own healing (and explain it to her), but don't try to make any plans with the other girl or seek out a new relationship. You are not in any shape to be considering relationships because you're not going to be able to be a fully functional partner yet. Whatever the other girl is doing in her life, leave her be. She has her problems to deal with on her own, just as you have yours.
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