A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am in a situation that has devastated me. I have always trusted my wife of 15 years, was not suspicious or jealous of her having multiple male friends (mostly musicians with whom she performed amateur sesssions), and in general did not worry about what was going on when she was with her friends. Just to give you some more details, I was not angry when she went out to dinner with one her friends, even though it was on a night I really wanted her to stay home (it had not been a good day for me). But recently, while organizing papers for recycling, I found an entire series of discarded e-mail printouts from one of her musician friends which are more than intimate. Perhaps the worst aspect is that she didn't think about me finding them. I have never been unfaithful to my wife, and have even been downright unfriendly to women who seemed to be coming on to me at work, in the gym, etc., flashing my wedding ring. And to make matters worse, I essentially put my career in second place compared to hers. I took care of her for more than three years after she lost her job and decided to study full time before seeking new employment, and during this time and for some time after, dealt with her severe alcoholism (which is not as bad now). She is now working at a lucrative career, while my job prospects became poor because I took dead-end jobs that paid well, rather than jobs that boosted my career. I have started my own company, but seem to have no respect from my wife even now that things are going well for my company (the success was delayed by my wife's insistence that I take on low-paying degrading consulting projects that didn't do much for my resume, just to help pay expenses. However, I thought all of the hard times were through recently. As I mentioned, my wife's alcoholism seems to be a minor problem, as she loves her job and has a lot of time to play music. I just wanted to finally relax and get on with our marriage and my career, and assume that the hard times were behind this. And now this obvious evidence of infidelity! And to make it worse, she is pushing me to father a child, even though for years she said she would never want kids! I think this final thing is what pushed me to post this--she wants me to take on the responsibility of a child while she goes out and has an affair.Sorry about the long-winded message, but is there anything I can do to save my marriage? I obviously love her, or I would not have continued to stick with her during the hard times. But I don't want more hard times! I don't really want to confront her yet, as I feel bad about reading what was in the garbage...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): Thanks, I really appreciate the replies I've received so far. One thing I didn't mention in my original question: When I said my wife went out with a friend even though I wanted her to stay home because I had had "a bad day", it was actually because the "bad day" was the major earthquake in Japan recently. What do you think of a spouse who insists on going out to dinner. leaving her spouse alone just hours after a lethal earthquake? Our house and neighborhood were not damaged, but frightening aftershocks were still occurring every few minutes. My greatest worry in earthquake-prone Japan was that I would be separated from my wife during a major disaster and unable to contact her. But we were together during the quake and she insisted upon going out by herself! Maybe this is an indicator that this marriage is not worth saving, even without considering her infidelity.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): I agree. Get a lawyer and start worrying about your own happiness and respect in life. She doesn't worry about yours from the sound of it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): "dealt with her severe alcoholism (which is not as bad now)"Look man, alcoholism only comes in one flavor - deadly! There are not grades of it, and the only way to "deal with it" is to STOP drinking 100%. If she's still drinking the disease is still raging. You sound like the spouse of an alcoholic. Someone who's made countless sacrifices, and is not a doormat.You need to go find an Al-anon meeting immediately. Find one with lots of men and TALK TO THEM! They will help you put your life back together and deal with what's going on in your life! Please do it- for your sake. You can not help her until you're healed!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): Save your marriage? Why? Get a good lawyer and take her for everything.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): "my wife's alcoholism seems to be a minor problem"No matter how minor it may seem, it is not. People who are alcoholic will do, say, and behave in ways you can't imagine while under the influence. Some examples of why can be found in this questionnaire.http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htmHere is a good resource, I'm sure it has been translated, but I don't know an online source for it in Japanese.http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/Do you want to have kids with her? Get professional help, and counseling, and read this book, which may not be available in Japanese.http://www.amazon.com/Complete-ACOA-Sourcebook-Children-Alcoholics/dp/1558749608Good luck to you, hope it works out. Protect yourself, and make sure that you do that, protect yourself.
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