A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We've been together for 5 years now, and during those 5 years I've not recieved a thing from her - Not for birthdays, Xmas', Valentines or even Anniversaries. Now I'm a romantic and try not to be materialistic or superficial about anything, let alone special occasions, but yesterday was my 5th birthday since being with her and I stupidly got my hopes up. Not even a card, an e-card or something made out of matchsticks. Any of those would have made my year.I've always tried hard not to get upset by it and this time I've not said a damn thing about it to her. Bear in mind, she does have money (though I'd be over the moon with a home made.. anything), and the amount of effort, thought and money I've put into gifts and bouqets of flowers for her each year has been huge.Now I'm asking myself if I expect too much from her. Is it me? Am I being superficial and materialistic by feeling crappy?I'd really love some input. I've had a peek at Yahoo answers.. but let's face it, dearcupid actually have some sense ;)
View related questions:
anniversary, flowers, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lec  +, writes (12 August 2012):
Considering you didn't mention any strange behavior on her part, I'll go ahead and assume that she enjoys receiving gifts and responds happily as one normally would when receiving an awesome gift.
Enough excuses have been made. If upbringing played a role, I find it very illogical that one would be raised with the ability to happily accept gifts, but never give. If her reasoning were religious in nature, then in most cases, she would not be able to even accept gifts for "wordly" celebrations.
She screams selfish and inconsiderate.
Stop passively accepting her behavior and be proactive.
Let her know that she also needs to be generous and thoughtful because she does not know how to be that on her own.
A
male
reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather +, writes (10 August 2012):
 No, I'd be hurt too - in the extreme!
What's all this 5 language stuff? 5 languages of CRAP!
She's just a plain, old tightarse, sorry. She seems to be one of life's takers, again sorry to diss your lady but I'd have to have a word with her. It's no good just withdrawing your giving side, that will only lead to utter resentment but put your feelings to her.
Let her know that what you give her, you do so with love. You don't expect the same back, just a small, token gesture, just to recognise that you MEAN something to her. Like you, I think these things are important, nothing to do with being materialistic or superficial at all.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 August 2012):
 From what I have seen a lot of girls/women believes that all they have to do is receive stuff, not give. That it's the mans job. Which.. is ridiculous. But nevertheless the truth. Just like some women expect the man to ALWAYS pay for meals. Again.. ridiculous.
The book FA and SVC is this one
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/
And it's actually quite and enlightening.
My husband grew up without gifts. So he isn't very good at receiving them, even after 14 year and he rather suck (if I don't help) at giving.
I would talk to her, I'm betting she has NO clue.
Do you ever hint at stuff you would like for your birthday? (for instance).
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 August 2012):
 What is her religious background and upbringing like? Some religions actually frown on the celebration of anything (Christmas, birthdays, holidays, etc.), so she might be behaving as her upbringing taught her to.
Also, does she give gifts and celebrate other peoples' milestones like birthdays? Has she ever talked about buying her parents/siblings/friends a gift or a card?
For the record, you're not being superficial or materialistic. Giving gifts or having nice dinners is a great way to show love, affection, and appreciation for a loved one in our life.
I think you two need to sit down and talk about this. It may just be a culture clash, or she might feel anxiety about giving you gifts she worries you'll not like. But it's vitally important that she hears how you feel about it. 5 years is 5 years too long not to talk about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 August 2012):
 Have you TOLD her you want these things?
she can't be expected to KNOW what you want and need.
her needs are different.
I second the 5 Languages of Love as a great book to help you figure out what she needs.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 August 2012):
 "but let's face it, dearcupid actually have some sense"
Hey thanks for the complement!
What you need to look into is the 5 love languages. Your case seems to be classic. You say I love you by sending flowers and gifts. The amount of time and effort is important. That is your main love language. You hear I love you the same way. That is not always the case.
She is speaking in a different love language. I wonder if she is hearing in the language you speak or in some other.
Anyway, what you need to do, is look up some information about this, perhaps take the test together, and figure out which love language you each prefer. Then when you get the urge to send a bouquet, think twice because all she may want is a phone call. Then when she wants to snuggle with you, she can make you a present instead.
FA
...............................
|
