| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: I had a four year affair with a single man who I was desperately in love with. Eventually, 4 months ago I finished it as I could no longer cope with the double life, I broke his heart but we stayed friends.I soon realised I could not live without him and a month ago left my husband. Unfortunately in the four months since I split with my lover, he has found someone else. He says he still has deep feelings for me but wants to give things a go with his girlfriend. My life has turned upside down and I cant sleep, eat and cry but we do still chat on the phone and meet for a drink occasionally.He thinks I am coping with the marriage split well and says he will always be there for me.I'm absolutely devastated, he is my world. Have I lost him and if so how do I cope?
View related questions:
affair Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, pops +, writes (22 July 2005):
Please don't even think about having a serious relationship until you have been divorced finally( all the paperwork, and court hearings are over) at least a year, and preferrably 18 months to two years. You need that time to get used to being single, and liking yourself as a single person. You didn't say what was wrong with the first marriage, but obviously it was fundamental, because you were having an affair for 4 years. You should not be surprised that your lover found another woman, or wants to make a go out that relationship, and is not interested in seeing you now. That may change in the future, but know one could possibly guess when or if that will occur. Go ahead and date, go as far as you feel you need to with the men you date, but make a pact with yourself not to think seriously about another man until you have had that time pass. It takes that long to put the first marriage behind your, both memories, arguments, bad habits, and wrong patterns of behavior. By that, I mean we all do things to try to make a relationship work, and sometimes we are not true to ourselves. We think it is better to sacrifice our own preferences and feelings to live with someone else. then that sacrifice becomes a major stumbling block in the relationship, with you subconsciously thinking, whenever he makes another demand upon you, that you have already " sacrificed " your feelings about this, and he doesn't appreciate you, so why should give more? Take the time to learn about yourself, figure out how much you were responsible for the marriage not working, decide what you can give to accomodate a new mate in a relationship, and what you won't, and can't, and still be happy. Then, and only then, are you ready for a serious relationship, where you can be honest about who you are and what you want out of a relationship. If you get into a serious relationship sooner than that, experienced observation indicates that you will drag unresolved issues from the first marriage into the new one, and the second marriage will be in trouble quicker than the first one was. Statistics on divorce bear this out. Give yourself time to heal, and to like yourself. Then go for it.
|
