A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, (warning: this is long)I've been with my girlfriend for 14 months. We've had amazing times and lots of not so good times. Over 14 months she's had issues with a lot of things about me, issues that we've never really resolved that constantly surface. Here are some things she's constantly getting upset with me over...- She gets upset over my past sexual experiences, I've had a one night stand and a friend with benefits type relationship before, along with a little fooling around. Unfortunately she's had to pleasure in finding out who the FWB was and that didn't go to well. But I've apologized constantly and have reassured her that I'd never cheat on her and that I no longer associate with anyone from the past. My sexual track record is by no means extreme (2 before her and I'm 25), it just seems really unfair that I'm being treated this way over things that happened before our relationship and things I can't change.- She gets upset over the fact that I've masturbated and have watched porn. She thinks I'm a pervert and I look at other girls etc. I tell her masturbation isn't an abnormal thing, but it still upsets her. I tell her I don't watch porn anymore, but she doesn't believe me and basically beats it out of me (like watching porn and masturbating once and while is a sin).- She is constantly thinking I'm looking at other women, when honest to God I'm not. She is beautiful, and I truly don't find any other women more attractive than her. Example: we go to a crowded theme park which is obviously packed with women, naturally you're going to look in the direction of women even IF you're not looking at them. She flips on things like this, even though I explain to her. So many nights have been ruined because she thinks I'm walking around with her looking at every piece of ass I see. Which is entirely untrue.- She is very negative towards other people, particularly a circle of people that my friends and I sometimes hang around with. Some of the females are people she used to know, but that doesn't stop her from calling them losers, ugly and fat. She tells me all of this expecting me to make negative comments as well, and when I don't she gets pissed and thinks I "like" them or something. She also gave me a lot of flak over a girl I used to like (that I stopped speaking to months before her), she's constantly calling her ugly and asking me how I could have liked her. This negative energy really brings me down.- She gets upset if I go out without her, usually when she's doing homework, and thinks I'm out there thinking other women are hot, talking shit about her, or fooling around with other women. It's almost like she loses sleep over it, it's crazy. I even go so far as to text message her constantly while I'm out. She's also gotten upset when I've asked if we could go join my friends for drinks or a party, saying all I want to do is get drunk all the time with my loser friends. I also always invite her to things, and rarely have the whole guys night out thing, and yet she says I always go out without her. The only times I go without her is when she can't come, or if we've had a fight and I just don't want to deal with it. I'm also always on edge when we're out in a group, I always think she's judging my friends and waiting for me to slip up or something. It's very uneasy.- She thinks I don't care about her, regardless of everything I do. I hang out with her at least 4 times a week and talk to her a lot everyday (she's gotten mad if I don't). I also take her out quite often, buy her drinks or ($100) dinner etc. One time I was going skateboarding with friend and she messages me right before we got out of the car. She's telling me that her mom got mad at her, (you need to know that her mom getting mad at her was a constant issue and by this time it was at a point where I'd just role my eyes and say "here we go again") I responded and said I'd call her later. She flipped on me after because "I wasn't there for her", but really I'm always there, like seriously give me some time to myself for once. She also gets mad if I don't text her enough during the day, and when I say why didn't you text me she comes up with "I didn't want to annoy you"... are you kidding me? Grow up.- In big fights she has said some really hurtful things, like how she's too good for me and I'm ugly etc. She chalks it up to the fact that she was just angry, but I'm truly starting to believe she thinks that, and deserves far more than what I give her. She wants to be treated like a princess and put on a pedestal she says, how can you expect to people to function equally in a relationship like that?She rips on me for a lot more little things too, like always over analyzing everything I say, me having to explain myself for things that should already be known etc. She also thinks it's weird of me to describe someone as "good looking" because apparently it means all I care about is looks? No. Just the other day we went to her relatives and I met a bunch of her family. So we were talking about it after and she asked what I thought of them, I said they were all nice and cool people. I also mentioned that the majority of them had blue eyes and pointed out that you guys have good genes. She agreed, so I said "yeah, you guys are a pretty good looking bunch". I thought nothing of this that night (why should I? It's harmless), but the next day she goes off on me about it. Because I said your family is good looking? Like really? All I could ask myself is what the hell is wrong with you?Bear in mind I don't short change her at all, she's absolutely stunningly gorgeous and I tell her all the time. But yet it's obvious she has some deep rooted insecurities and neediness issues and is basically looking to me to make her feel good about herself. I realized this when she started putting everyone else down by calling them hideous and fat, it's almost her way of making herself feel better, but it's a real killjoy for anyone else. She also doesn't have too many friends or interests outside of me, which I think is becoming an issue. Oh, did I mention trust? Yeah, there's none of that either.Like I said all of these issues have never fully been resolved and they've always lingered despite all the good times that hide them. It's been really hard for me since the start because her brother is my good friend, and like a bad friend, he went off and made me sound like a total womanizer/pervert to her, which needless to say, has made it a bit of a rough ride.I must digress though, I'm so in love with this girl that everything I've said hurts me to say. I can get along with her so well and have truly spent some of the best days of my life with her. I know she feels the same. Sex is awesome, and she's awesome, when she's happy, but I don't want to constantly feel like "today is a good day but tomorrow we'll probably fight over something stupid". Lately it just hurts me to think that this is something I'd have to live with the rest of my life should I chose her. I feel she'll never let these things go and she'll never stop getting mad at me over the things I can't change. I can't keep apologizing and buckling down, I know I love her but it just keeps becoming more and more crushing. Like I can't take anymore of it. It's hurting my self esteem, I mean you have an awesome night and you feel like a king and then the next morning it's back to square one.Thanks for reading,PS - Sorry this is so long.
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female
reader, charliesdevil73  +, writes (21 October 2011):
 Wow. I can understand why you are upset. She seems absolutely horrible. I know you say you love her, but you wrote the words that should make your decision easy..."lately it just hurts me to think that this is something I'd have to live with the rest of my life should I choose her." Those words should tell you that you should not stay with her. As much as it will hurt to walk away, she just isn't worth your time.
And if you have put up with her this long and tried this hard to make the relationship work, you can find someone else. You obviously aren't the type of man to give up without trying and you will find a woman that is worth your time and effort. With how nice you sound, you still probably find someone who will treat with the respect you deserve and then some.
But you seriously need to walk away from this chick. She will not change and you deserve better. Good luck.
A
male
reader, GhostChild  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Hi,Reading this is very familiar to me, I've had much the same experiences as you have.Don't take offence to this, but your girlfriend is needy, immature and possessive.Your sexual experiences before her - those are in the past. It should not matter who you slept with BEFORE her, you are allowed to have had a life before her. Make her understand that. Make her understand that it is most definitely over and that you're still now FWB with anyone, and if she can't get over that then that is her own problem. You don't owe her anything, and you especially don't owe her an apology for having sex with someone before you even started dating her.Masturbating and porn, that most definitely is not a sin. Some girls do feel uncomfortable about it, but it doesn't make you a pervert, and it's none of her business if you did it before you two began going out. If you still do it, that would be one of those situations that you'd just want to keep hidden from her. She's got her own mindset and opinion on porn and masturbation etc. and she won't change her mind. She thinks you're looking at other women because she is insecure with herself. Perhaps she had an experience in the past where an ex-boyfriend left her for someone else or something like that. She thinks she's ugly and she's afraid someone will steal you away from her. All you can really do is assure her that you're not interested in anyone else. If her paranoia doesn't subside then that's not your problem, it's hers. And you're not obligated to stay around and entertain her paranoia and accusations either.She's negative to people in your circle of friends.That is just a sign that she's rude and immature. Never join her in putting someone else down. If someone insults her, then yes, stand up for her. But if your girlfriend is the one harassing other people, then do not join her. That will only alienate you from your friends and give you a bad reputation. Her getting upset over you going out without her is another thing that comes back to jealousy and paranoia.My ex-girlfriend did that a lot. She would start fights and accuse me of all sorts of things if I so much as spent a few hours out with a couple of friends. You are allowed to have fun with your friends, and you've invited her along too, if she doesn't want to go then its up to her to deal with you being out. She has to grow up and accept that you're an adult and you have other friends and people in your life to pay attention to.If she gets upset about it, ignore her, things as petty as jealousy aren't worth getting all angry about. She'll cool down, but if it continues, sit her down and talk it through with her. Let her know that she's welcome to hang out with you and your friends, but that you still need your me-time and time with your buddies too from time to time.Your girlfriend also sounds very controlling. She says you don't care about her or spend enough time with her, but you see her at least 4-times a week, buy her things, text her constantly. This is her way of controlling you and keeping you to herself. She wants you to think that you're neglecting her, even when you're not. Right now, for a young couple, you're doing your absolute best. If she can't handle that, then once again, that is her problem.Finally, your girlfriend is abusive. She's called you ugly? She says that she's too good for you?This is abuse. It doesn't matter if it was said in the heat of an argument, a healthy couple doesn't act that way.You're in love with this girl, but you're also in a very unhealthy relationship that's bad for both of you, especially you.She's abusive, jealous, immature and selfish. What you have to do is ask yourself if she is worth putting up with all of this for?All relationships have their good moments, but are the good times worth staying around through all the rotten ones for?If yes, then you two have a lot of talking to do. I know it'll be hard, but you have to sit her down and tell her everything you've posted here and how it makes you feel. If she's reasonable and if she cares about you, she will listen with an open mind and start to work on them. But this girl sounds extremely difficult and high maintenance and like she probably won't change any time soon.Give this a lot of thought, and have a big talk with her. Best of luck!
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