A
male
age
30-35,
*sc8231
writes:So, this is going to be a little long so bear with me. +I have been talking about this on a forum anonymously for over 3 years now, and it hasn't gotten any better. I even turned to y! answers one other time to ask about this, but I am in a difficult to understand situation right now.My name is X, I am a college freshman and love every minute of school. I am 19 years old. My best friend is A (18), and his brother, my crush, is B (16). A, B, and I all went to the same High School, where B still goes. Now A and I are room mates in college and we hang out with B on the weekends. It all started about 4 years ago. I was 15 and B was 12. I wasn't attracted to him then, we were all just friends. As we got older, I started to gain an attraction to him. Then I began to feel like he may have feelings for me as well, and recently I have been obsessed with him. I don't call it infatuated, because it is more than that. Anyways, B and I got closer. He would touch me gently when we were talking, give me cute smiles from across the room, we would stand much closer than the average male, basically there was no "personal" space between us. When I told him for the first time that I loved him, which I think took him by surprise because he didn't immediately say that he loved me back. The next time I saw him, though, he told me that he loved me! I was ecstatic, but we didn't kiss or anything, so I wasn't positive if he meant it in the same way that I meant it. Don't get me wrong, this isn't just your typical "love you man", this was a full-fledged "I Love you" type of deal. So this went on for a couple of months, I would tell him I love you sometimes (didn't want it to become too common) and he would do the same. We were still very touchy with each other, would grab each other’s asses, etc...Recently A approached me asking if I B had signed into his gmail account from my laptop. I said no and asked why. Well apparently, A had been on B's computer and somehow his search history came up. In it he found multiple accounts of searches for gay porn, and searches for "relief from homosexuality", "Christians and gay porn", and "teens struggling with homosexuality". For me this was a defining moment. What straight guy acts the way he does with me AND has gay porn in his internet history. Oh, and if you haven't figured it out yet, B and A live in a very conservative Christian family (as do I but that's another story). B of course denied that the search was him claiming that it must have come from the school computer that he signed in on, but I know that's BS. It started the day he got his laptop, and the school filter is so strong that it blocks sites with swimsuit models. After this, A must have gotten to B, because he became a little less affectionate with me. It culminated in him denying that he had a sexual attraction to me. Things started getting better for me, though. He began to be even more affectionate than previously, in private, although neither of us said "I love you" anymore. He was "silly" around me, always bubbly and happy. He would put his arm around me when we were walking, sometimes he would grab my hand randomly. We even snuggled quite a few times on beds, couches, and even the floor while watching TV. Things were looking great, and I had never been happier, although I was so attracted to him that if I felt even the slightest that he didn't like me, I went into a depression. Fast forward to now. Me, B, A, and my sister G started hanging out with these two girls, D and C (if you can't tell, these are made up names). I am running out of room so I will make it quick. B and A started hanging out with D and C more and more. I started to feel less and less important. That has been continuing. B has been still very affectionate with me in private, but when the girls were around I felt as though I were on the back burner. He never talked about liking either of them in any way, there were like his "girlfriends" if you will. Well, A started dating C, and D kinda fell out of our lives. C is controlling and annoying, but for some reason both B and A see something in her. She is A's girlfriend, and B's "girlfriend" if you will. Hell, they talk about clothes. Long story short, I am having a hard time dealing with this. B seems to be pushing me away and I don't know what to do. B is also becoming better friends with my sister, although she says that he is "one of the girls". Has anyone else had to deal with a situation like this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 March 2013):
 to NOT have these feelings you need to work on your own self esteem. When you feel secure within yourself you are able to cope better with the peaks and troughs in life.
When you know who you are, what you need, where you need to go, why you need to do what you do then emotions like insecurity or jealousy will not be able to get any traction in your life.
The level of insecurity and distrust surrounding your relationships right now is a signal that this situation has to stop.
Step back. Examine what you seek and need in a relationship. When the relationship is right for you, and also is right for your then partner, then you and your partner will be suffused with a calm loving acceptance.
Then both you and your partner will mutually agree it is all you want in a relationship. Neither of you will live in fear of a partner cheating. Neither you nor your partner will want to cheat.
Certainly work on your own confidence and nurture and support you until you are stong enough emotionally to consider a new relationship.
But look for a partner whose values and attitdes are aligned with yours.
Enjoy some hobbies together or take an interest in each other's lives and hobbies or interests.
Build a good positive relationship together and your need to check up or worry will lessen.
If a partner wants to cheat then end the relationship. For cheating demonstrates their selfishess. If they cheat they were never 100% yours and you are well rid of them.
But if all you can do is worry that they might cheat then you need to develop much more confidence in your ability to choose the right person in your life.
If you are insecure and they truly have done nothing wrong, and are really loyal to you, and never intend to betray you, then your own actions will drive away potentially good loving partners.
Love you, value you. Respect you. Feel inspired by you. Trust your judgement. Be kind to you.
Then watch how much more beautiful life will seem to be for you.
My good wishes to you for a happier future.
A
male
reader, usc8231 +, writes (27 March 2013):
usc8231 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI need to get over him... I feel that it is the only way... he may BE gay, but his indecisiveness is tearing me apart emotionally. I constantly feel like there is some secret affair going on between him and my sister, or him any my roommate's girlfriend, or him and SOMEONE else but me. I barely enjoy my time with him anymore because I am constantly analyzing his every action looking for a sign that he either likes me, or likes another (right now my sister in particular). It's just that every time I feel like I need to pull away I almost throw up at the thought of "losing" him. He has been ingrained in me for so long that I feel like a part of my being is being torn out. He is something (or someone) that I have placed SO much emotional energy in, and feels like part of my soul is being ripped out.
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A
male
reader, usc8231 +, writes (25 March 2013):
usc8231 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the kind replies everyone. I know that if he is gay,he is having a hard time accepting who he is. I don't think that I really implied HOW religious his family is. His parents are EXTREMELY conservative bible thumping southern baptists, and both Josh and Stephen were raised with the same mindset. I hope that he sorts through things sooner rather than later. I honestly want to help him through it, since I had to face the same thing not too long ago...
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 March 2013):
This sounds too one sided at the moment.
And it is tough that all these people are your friends. But one is behaving like a Judas. Denying you in public.
Right now, distressing as it is, there are two things to consider.
1. He is not the only guy in the world and you will find love again in the future.
2. He is not comfortable being honest about his feelings. Try to respect that emotionally he is not where you are now. You are older and he is still finding his way. He cannot handle the situation so he is taking a different route while he works out what he wants and who he wants. He is still young and is finding his way. Do not blame him for this. And Most certainly do NOT blame you.
Patience is learned, often through adversity. But if you can be patience. Much more patient than you think your should have to be, then a very empathic caring love will find your eventually.
Right now both these situations are very distressing for you. And getting some talk therapy is very important.
College can be a whole new world. Try not to avoid new situations and new people. But also understand that guys come to accept their sexuality at different ages. Some know, some are not sure, and some are making up their mind still and are insecure about accepting their sexuality.
I suggest that you get involved in College life. Join some groups. Learn a leisure skill. See what opportunities exist for some part time work.
I think you need to distract yourself. Let him come to you if he is really interested.
But if he only wants to keep you as his secret pleasure then that seems a little disrespectful towards you.
Truly there will be other guys out there for you. But a guy who cannot be honest with you is not really a friend.
Such things are distressing in any relationship. whether it be a gay or a hetrosexual relationship. Trust and respect is very important in any relationship. without trust and respect in public and in private you don't have what you need for a successful relationship.
Often we have to kiss many toads before we find our Prince. It will happen. But not over-night. Have faith that your time will happen. And love will find you eventually.
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A
female
reader, harchi  +, writes (17 March 2013):
 If you are suspecting that he is gay, why not come out and discuss it with him, let him know how much you care about him? Because from what I have read, I see him going through a lot battling with his sexuality and his religious relief. But sometimes we help those we love make decisions, by not making decisions for them but being there for them through their hard times. I think there is more to a relationship than love and care. I think it is called trust, make him trust you, and just see how it goes.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 March 2013):
 i can't relate exactly to what you're going through, but i can say that when i was back in college, i got with this girl who had never been with a woman before. i was her first lesbian relationship. she loved me, i have no doubt, but was so uncomfortable in her own skin with being gay, that she would deny it to everyone and wouldn't want a soul to know about us. i spent three years this way. i felt unworthy and as though she was ashamed of me.
but the truth of the matter: she was ashamed of HERSELF. i always thought she would eventually realize she truly was gay and i wasn't just a phase. and i always thought that she'd come out of the closet so we didn't have to keep living a lie. well she didn't do either of those things while we were together. and as time went on, it only hurt more and more.
her and i eventually broke up after three long years because i couldn't put up with it anymore. well then i heard from her a year or so later, and she's out of the closet and living with her girlfriend. in fact, she's about to get married to her. my did things change.
what i realized from all of that is that you can't force someone to be in a place they aren't. if he's not ready to embrace who he is yet, there's not a thing you can do until HE'S ready. and all you'll be doing is waiting around hurting yourself if you hold out and keep hoping for him to realize his feelings.
you say you saw the gay porn and christian internet search thing as a positive sign. i see it as an omen that he will not come around and embrace his sexuality for a LONG time. he's having an internal battle and conflict between what he's feeling versus what his christian faith teaches him. and it's a tough battle. a lot of christians wind up ashamed of who they are and hide it forever because they don't want the stigma and to be judged by their peers for being gay.
i don't think your friend will be ready to acknowledge his feelings for men any time soon, let alone come out about it, any time in the next handful of years. and i think you'll be in for a world of hurting if you sit around and wait on him. i think you need to find a way to distance yourself and move on to a different guy. let him figure his sexuality out on his own. NOT while he's hanging out with you. and if he's still interested later on when he's okay with who he is, then go for it. until then, i would move on.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, sherrig +, writes (17 March 2013):
B is very young, and will need time to find out who he is, and what he wants. Most boys want to live wild years before they think about settling down. Resume dating, find someone to hang out with, if this boy cares about you, he will say so if he thinks you might be gone. Good Luck.
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