| A ,
anonymous
writes: Hi, I'm a 53 year old lady, with 3 kids. Husband and I are divorced and he works away, in another area of the country. My kids are all adults, 2 sons aged 29 and 18, 1 daughter, aged 31. The older 2 kids have 'boomeranged' back to living here with me. Daughter took a career change and moved back but is in the process of buying her own home. Living here temporarily. The deal was if they both lived here, it's not a free ride. I charge them a very minimal rent, they buy their own food, cook their own meals, clean up after themselves. The daughter is very considerate. She knows that the rent she pays, is peanuts to what she would pay, compared to mortgage and/or rent, elsewhere. So she makes up for it by helping around the place, like shoveling snow, mowing grass and little household chores. The sons are driving me nutty. They seem to be just out for themselves and don't help at all. Even rarely, when asked to do a menial tasks like heavy lifting, they say they will do the job, but I am to take it off the rent (which they don't pay-see below) @ 10.00 per hour! lol But here's the kicker.My older son (29) refuses to pay his rent here. Yet, he will buy new boots, new electronic gadgets, and a whack of clothing, so we know he has cash. He eats his sister's food and she asked him to stop, which he did. I tolerate that he eats my groceries but I keep reminding him that he needs to 'buy' his own food. Today, I asked for Jan rent (was payable Jan 1) and he complained I was being a 'bitch' to him as I was firm! But have nicely asked for it, before. I am frustrated. His sister is beginning to resent him, because she sees no reason why he can't pay. He is not helpful. He is so disrespectful, that he's refused to help his sister when asked, to push the car out of the a huge patch of snow, she got stuck in, due to a blizzard. She and I struggled for an hour, and was appreciative of the neighbors who finally came and helped us. He sat in the house and watched us from the front window. I told him today, that if I don't get rent money, by the end of January, he would have to move out. I set a tough boundary here, as I feel he is really taking advantage. After I said that, I was called down, told I was a horrid person and that he hated me. Plainly, being tolerant with his past antics, has given him free license to have absolutely NO respect for me, as well. So I have nothing to lose...he disrespects me either way...so I am getting tough and starting to ensure he lives up to his end of the deal. His 18 year old brother lives here, too as he was in his own place but lost his job and couldn't afford the rent, at this other place. I told him I will let him stay here, but he has 2 options. 1) if he goes back to school (he had quit) and gets some career goals, underway..I will pick up the tab on the rent and help him as much as I can or 2) he must get a job asap, move, get his own place or if he stays here, he pays me rent. He refuses to educate himself further, so he's in the process of finding a job. At present, he is totally dependent on me and he resents that. So as a result, he tends to take his self-loathing, out on me, as well. They are my sons and they have been raised well, I thought they were taught responsibility, and we were All so close at one time. But they are both so dependant on me financially, I can't stand it. Why suddenly they have gone this way, is baffling. I sit here day in and day out and wonder.. what did I do wrong!? Cried a lot of tears over this. They came from a loving good home. Even their Dad (my ex) is fanatstic... but he doesn't give them a lot. He believes that they need be men, and do it on their own. Pride of accomplishment comes from independance and self-reliance and I agree with him. They both have to go. It will be the best thing for them. I feel so sad, that in order for them to 'improve' their own life and become strong men, I have to boot them out. But I will pay a huge price, I know, they both will hate me for it. But they need to go. Just looking for opinions and thoughts on this. Anyone else out there ever have to do this. Would like to hear about it. Because right now, I feel like crap having to be this a*s of a Mother, just to get them out there and independently living their own lives. do you think they will get over this someday and even talk to me. Right now, they are both ignoring me and making fun of me, whenever my back is turned. (I hear it) This is just so hard.
View related questions:
divorce, lost his job, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (28 January 2010):
Another suggestion is find them a flat/apartment and then while they are out move their stuff there. Pay first month rent if possible and a few basic groceries. Then leave them to bicker amongst themselves how they are going to live. If you just tell them to move they will tell you for months that they can't find anything.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): Being home at 18yo isn't the same thing as a 29yo doing this. The 29yo has to go.
It's good to understand that modern kids have a harder time of it than they would have had a generation ago. The economic situation was pretty bad (particularly for young men) even before the economic crash these last 2 years.
But when your kids won't abide by basic rules that you set, it's time to take action. It's not unreasonable to demand some money out of them and some helping out around the house. I agree it has gone too far with the 29yo. I don't know about the 18yo in terms of economics & school but any verbal abuse from him needs to stop.
I don't know if this is relevant to your situation but let me mention it: When it comes to helping around the house, it's worth a lot to have the tasks agreed upon ahead of time. Even just giving someone a few hours notice or a day or two. As a teen I used to get frustrated with my mother not because I minded doing the helping on principle, but rather because I hated the arbitrary way it came up. It drove me nuts to always be wondering in the back of my mind if there was some random task coming every time I crossed paths with her and I didn't look busy enough. She wasn't asking for things all that frequently, but I really needed to have some control over when I was "open" and "closed" for business if you get my meaning. Maybe this issue is happening in your family or maybe not, its just a suggestion.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Super advice from you all. And I needed to hear it. Rest assured, the guilt is completely gone. LOL I'm just pissed now that I have to be put in such a position, to do the toughlove thing, especially to a 29 year old. Ridiculous. I should be enjoying the these semi retirement years. Like planning a trip to Mexico with the galpals..can't do that. As I am finding my grocery bill has skyrocketed (both guys are well over 6'2 and snack, eat constantly) and have even had to absorb a big spike in the water, electric and gas tabs. My daughter pays 1/3 of her share of the utilities on top of it all..the boys pay nothing. I even tried the work for rent deal with the oldest son..as I am renovating a few rooms here. That didn't work out.
Yes I am going easier on my 18 year old. In fact, he was so incredibly independent before all this. I had a hard time keeping him at home after he turned 16. He wanted to move out, back then and do it on his own way. He did well this past year with a job, hard luck hit him, and he was forced to come back here, a few weeks ago. I have told him, that if he goes back to school (he is bright)-and finishes his gr 12 and goes onto post secondary (college, tech or Uni)..I will support him, until he is graduated and lands his first career job. But I expect him to work for his clothing/entertainment/car upkeep money. So not a complete free ride. But if he doesn't like the offer, then he either pays rent or he moves out.
Thanks for all the great advice and it's wonderful to hear your comments. I knew I was on the right track, just had to hear from others.
...............................
A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (27 January 2010):
 You are completely right. Kick them both out - today.
I understand your fear that they will hate you, and for a short time, they will. But I have lived through this as a son, who moved out early and watched two of my younger brothers 'boomerang'. Love is never very far away.
You will always be their mother, and they will always be your sons. But the situation is unacceptable for both parties, that is why there is so much anger and resentment in the house.
Stand firm, do not weaken. Tell them you want them both out, and suggest they live together to share costs. Give them a deadline, and stick to it. Tell them you will change your locks, and sell their items if they are not removed. You may need to ask their father for active support, if he is able or inclined to provide it.
Sounds harsh, doesn't it? And it is, but no harsher than being called a 'bitch', and supporting grown men, who are making fun of you, and taking huge advantage.
I have done it to my own brothers. I am the big bad brother, who helped to remove their belongings from home, but both have their own homes and families today, and even though they may never thank me, we get on ok, and they are on better terms with our Mother than I am.
Be brave, and do not cave in. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (27 January 2010):
OMG! I can't believe you even feel guilty about this. By putting your foot down you are turning your sons into better men. Both need to 'go out into the world to seek their fortune', as they used to say. Whenever you start to feel bad just remember that this is for them. To improve their lives and get them independent and responsible before they start families. When I was 18 and started working, my parents expected me to contribute and pay some bills which I did. For other parents reading this; put in the ground rules when they FIRST move back home before they even put their bags down. Feeling sorry for them for several weeks then only introducing rules later creates a crisis of expectations and resentment.
...............................
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (27 January 2010):
 Time to call the ex hubby and have him assist you in a talk to your children about family values, future interactions and such, and also have hubby help you in case the older son offers resistance to moving out. He is so offensive. What is next? Hitting you? In my experience such people hardly change, but it is possible and I have seen similar stories with happy endings, so maybe this is the push he needs to become more responsible and more respectful. I also think you are definitely doing the best, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. I have seen families indulging their adult offsprings too much with the result of these not learning any responsibility and it has affected their lives. The older son obviously takes advantage of his position, I'm sure he did pay for the rent where he used to live, while he lived there. The younger son is probably copying his brother's ways. Unfortunately some family arrangements sometimes end up like this. Let them know that even if you don't any longer concede them certain benefits, you trust this is for their own good and that you will always be available with any advice and guidance they need. They will likely make this very hard for you because they will want to force you to keep nesting them, so be firm. You'll probably watch them with teary eyes as they go, but in the long run knowing it's for the best. As for the younger son, many have problems finding a job in these times of crisis so maybe he could do with a little more time in case he is serious about finding one. Maybe you can guide him in a good direction. Being so young I don't know if he knows where to look, maybe he is too picky or looking too far beyond his possibility or training, I'm guessing. Have you discussed these? All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): I say you should be milder towards your youngest son, he's just 18. The other son is 10 years older and an adult. Kick him out. Leave the youngest in but keep him firmly on track and make sure he does what he promises. Give him a time limit for example, or say that until he finds a job he works for you, instead of paying rent. That means he does yard work, or other daily duties like cleaning the house or do grocery shopping. Kick the oldest son out, he is old enough to not act like a whiny teen, but he gets away with it because you are his mother. Lets see if a landlord would accept his behavior.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): I completly agree, those boys need to learn what it's like in the 'real' world. They are taking advantage of your 'mother's guilt' and being disrespectful. If they weren't your sons would you stand for this behaviour?
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (27 January 2010):
 You are in a very tough spot, but your instincts are absolutely right on. Those boys are in some very serious need of growing up, and it isn't going to happen as long as they can sponge off you. Your daughter is being responsible and respectful -- what a terrible example for her if her brothers were to get away with their reprehensible behaviour.
If your tough love does indeed help the boys to see the light, they will come to appreciate you one day. Regardless of whether your relationship can be salvaged, you're doing the right thing. I keep reminding myself that my job as a parent is to parent, not to worry about being liked or being a friend. Hang in there!
...............................
|
